A few years ago I made a blog post titled ‘an open letter to my abusive ex boyfriend’ and today I wanted to make another open letter blog post, but for a different person who was once a massive part of my life.
Dear ‘A’
I don’t think I can count the amount of times I’ve wrote to you. I’ve wrote a few letters over the years and I recently found some of them when I was cleaning for my move, and as I read through them, I was transported back to the time in which I wrote them. I could tell by the way I was writing how I felt about you, I didn’t need to read between the lines with my own writing, I may have tried to hide my sadness or bitterness but it was plainly there on the pages I wrote in the many letters over the years. One of the first letters I spoke about how much you hurt me, how confused and sad I was, I just didn’t understand why my best friend would hurt me like he did. As I kept reading through the letters, the words on the paper turned from confusion and loss to sadness and pain to anger and betrayal. I think I must have went through every emotion throughout the many letters I wrote. I sat and thought about the letters for a while, about our past, about what you did and said back then, and then I ripped the letters up and throw them in the bin. I had no use for them anymore. You see, I wrote those letters when I always expected you to walk back into my life, a time when I wanted you to because I missed you or I wanted answers from you, after a while I learned that the new ‘A’ wasn’t going to be the same person anymore and I needed to expect I’ll never get the ending I wanted.
I put so much effort into you, into our friendship. I often ask myself ‘why?’, now because let’s me honest, you’re not worth the sacrifice of my dignity and pride. I guess the reason why I thought you was worth it was because the old you was worth it, he was a generally good person. I often tell my friend Megan that lads will hurt you but that doesn’t define you, you let your emotions out and you move on. No lad is ever worth the pain I went through with you, you’re not special enough to have me shed another tear over you.
I remember when we was younger, you told me you wanted to leave Liverpool. You said you wanted to join the army and get as far away from Liverpool as possible, I guess leaving Liverpool isn’t even a thought that crosses you’re mind anymore does it? I honestly cannot imagine what goes through you’re mind these days, but those thoughts probably aren’t about plans of a bright future, which is a shame, you could have had a good future, a generally happy one. You cannot tell me that the meaningless ‘pocket change’ jobs you have these days are what you wanted for your career path. You cannot tell me that doing drugs every weekend and not being able to stay loyal to one girl is giving you a ‘fulfilled life’ feeling.
What happened A? What happened to the friend who I went out with every night after school, what happened to the friend who was always there for me, always supported me and cared about me? Where has he gone A? He faded a long time again, but has he completely disappeared? I hope for your own humanity and the ones who still care about you, that he hasn’t completely disappeared.
I could say I will always care about you, but honestly, you don’t deserve my affection or care. I tried my best and I suppose I’ll be the one leaving Liverpool and having a fulfilling life. Funny how things work out.
Love you loads (haha, not really)
Shannon.
Life With Shan 