The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

I was looking for something to watch one night on Amazon Prime when I happened to come across a new segment on Amazon video called ‘ Pilot Season’, curious to see what it was all about I clicked on the link and was presented with six pilots for new and upcoming TV shows that could be contracted to become series. Out of all of these shows the one that stuck out to me the most was ‘The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ a pilot about a young adult women in the 50’s, happily married with 2 children, when her life suddenly changes overnight. In this one night her husband leaves and she realizes she has a talent that had never been noticed before. After the episode ended, that was it, I couldn’t go about my normal activities of binge watching a TV show for hours on end because, like I said it was just a pilot episode. I jumped on the link to take the survey about the pilot becoming a series and let Amazon know my opinion on why this show should be a new ‘Amazon Original’.

I can say with all honesty if you liked Gilmore Girls you’ll like this show and it may seem weird how the script seems just as fast and witty as Gilmore Girls but that’s only because the amazingly talented Amy Sherman-Palladino directed it!

Since the cancellation of ‘Good Girls Revolt’ I have felt a little bitter towards Amazon video because why would they cancel a perfectly good show that women can enjoy, now I am not saying us girls don’t like cars and action and I do not speak for all women but I loved the show because it shown us some real history, the struggle for women while working in the 60s/70s and what life was really like. The women’s revolution didn’t end when women could vote or own property, it was still going on with work place discrimination and lower wages, this show highlighted this, it was a good show and Amazon cancelled it. So, if they want to make up for it, they need to add another show highlighting similar issues and soon, this show is it, this show is what Amazon need.

   

The show is fresh, it’s new and its different. The fast pasted, witty and funny Midge is what we need, there are many amazing shows out there, but there are many boring shows out there that all do the same thing, they follow the same plots and storylines and personally I get tired and fed up with another show just like the last, but this, this is different and I am a fan of different. Maybe it’s just me but I love a show that takes us back in time, to a time that now, in 2017 you can’t believe actually existed with the extreme sexism and double standards but amazingly at the same time, you still see these things happen in the modern world, in a time that none of it should exist, the racism, sexism and homophobes should have died out a long time again but didn’t and you can watch a show and be amazed how they used to live their lives but realize, in some ways the world is still like that to some degree.

I am not going to lie, I sat down to watch this shoe expecting good things as I had high hopes that Amy would deliver again and I was not disappointed. I loved seeing Amy’s work in this show, you could see her work through out and that fast pasted wittiness reminded me of my much beloved show ‘Gilmore Girls’. The great thing is, these 2 shows are different but if you have ever seen Gilmore Girls you’ll also see the work of Amy throughout, it’s like her brand, witty and charming, it makes this show so much better, just by her being on it. Now, this isn’t just about Amy or a strong female show, its about something new and fresh, like I said earlier something we haven’t seen before and if the TV world needs something… its something fresh, witty and different. Trust me.

     

If Amazon decides to axe this show after an amazing pilot like that, its a damn shame and they are pretty stupid for doing so. Do something right Amazon, give this pilot a series.

             

After The Fire

*SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW* 

As part of the Zoella Book club this year, I ordered the bundle, which included all 8 books featured in the book club this year. One of those books was After The Fire. Out of all the books in the bundle, I wasn’t excepting to like After The Fire so much, as it is not normally my kind of book.

The book is about a young woman named Moonbean, she has grown up in a compound and raised mainly by her ‘brothers and sisters’ as her mother was banished years earlier. The compound is ran by a preacher by the name of Father John, a man who preaches the bible to get his own way and pretends he is the voice for God, on earth. The book flips from after the fire and before the fire, giving us massive insights into the life behind the fences before the fire. We learn about Moonbeans mother, her relationship with Luke and Nate. Through therapy, after the fire, Moonbean talks about what happened to people who didn’t follow the rules of Father John and why they were not allowed contact with the outside world. Throughout the ‘before’ sections of the book, we see Moonbeans faith start to shake, she starts believing other things other the in God and Father John. In the after sections we see her become stronger, shutting down the screaming words and preaches of Father John that are engraved into her mind.

One sign that I am enjoying a book, is that it’s never out of my hands. When I put the book down to do something else, I am excited to continue reading the story to see what happens next. I couldn’t put this book down, I just kept wanting to go back to it every time I had something else that needed to be done. I was drawn in after the first paragraph. If a book I didn’t think I would enjoy as it’s not the normal book genre I am interested in, I was given a nice surprise, I enjoyed this book. I really enjoyed this book. So much so that I want to read more written by Will Hill and more books based on the things highlighted in this book.

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At the end of the book there are a set of discussion questions about the book, I thought this was a nice touch to the end of the book and I thought I would answer them here, as part of my review of this book.

Father John is able to exert control over the members of the Lord’s Legion through both psychological and physical methods. Pick out some of the methods he uses and discuss why or how you think they were effective. 

Father John used both of these methods to his full advantage. Through using both of these kinds of methods he had control of everyone in the compound, they feared him and that is exactly what he wanted these methods to accomplish. I think one of the scariest punishments that was both physical abusive as well as psychological was the box. People feared going into the box, with good reason. The box was described by Moonbean as a metal box in the middle of the Texas dessert. It was insanely hot in the day time and freezing cold when the sun went down. You are left with the basics to survive and even if you do, just like in Shanti’s case, was surviving even worth it? Left with no light, just enough water and bread, you baked during the day in the steaming hot metal box and froze during the night. That is physical abuse. Leaving someone in a box with no contact with other people, alone. That is psychological abuse. This man knew what he was doing in terms of keeping people in line. Even if you thought something you were not supposed to, you hate yourself as that’s heresy. If you said or done something Father John seemed ‘unsavoury’ you’d be punished, be beating or by the box or by starvation.

Is it possible to feel empathy towards Luke, or understand his actions? Why or why not?

Some will say yes to this question, others no. I think it’s entirely possible to feel empathy for him and maybe understand his actions BUT that does not make it okay or right. You could say he was scared and that is why he was the way he was, but throughout the book, even in group sessions after the fire, you can see that there is no changing his beliefs, he was brainwashed and I did not see a way out of him even before he killed himself. Killing himself seemed quite fitting for him, it made sense somewhat, except that suicide was a sin, but then again this wasn’t normal people being taught the word of the bible, it was a man twisting a whole religion to get what he wanted, control and power. I think Luke didn’t have a chance. He grow up on the base, he knew no other life. He did not know what it was really like to live a life not shadowed with fear and punishment for even thinking something you shouldn’t. As a child, he had no parents, not even knowing if his parents were still on the base, or whether they had left must have been extremely frustrating, confusing and painful. He looked up to Father John, the was the only father figure that Luke knew all through his childhood and adolescent years. He looked at Father John like his father, he believed every word that Father John preached, he would never believe that Father John was never a true believer or that he was a fraud because for his whole like he had looked up this man and believed he was the voice of God. This makes me feel sorry for him, he believed this man, a man that told him if he did everything for God, he would ascend and life a happy afterlife. I understand his actions because he had a sheltered life in a compound that preached all sorts of nonsense, he had no contact with the outside world, he was brought up in a world that was surrounded by fear and devotion to one person, Father John. I do not accept his actions nor would I ever forgive someone for those actions but you can understand why was the way he was and his story does make you feel for him.

As Will states in his author note, this novel is not meant as an attack on Christianity, but instead an exploration of power, and how power can corrupt. Would you consider the doctrine that Father John uses a type of ‘religion’? Do you think Father John ever believes his own creed? 

I don’t this book has anything to do with a real religion of any sorts. Father John simply picked Christianity and exploited the religion for his own personal gain. When we talk about religious cults or terrorism, we aren’t talking about the real religion we are talking about extremists, plain and simple. What Father John preached within the compound was not the Christian faith. Now, I am an atheist, I do not believe. But that does not mean I do not see what Father Johns intentions are, I know enough about religion to say that what he taught, wasn’t the true teachings of the bible. Religion shouldn’t be about fear, it should be about a group of people who have the same faith coming together and being united as a group. Father John simply choose a religion to exploit, he used to words in the bible and twisted them to suit his own needs. He took extracts and flipped their meaning, he used fear as a way of controlling people. When Luke kills himself so he can ascend, it is made clear to me that Father John did not preach the true words of the bible as Suicide is a sin and an a sin won’t send you to heaven. Again, I do not believe in any of this as an atheist but true Christians do, so why didn’t Luke? Was he simply lost and confused on the teachings of the bible? Or, which is more likely, did Father John not preach to this followers that suicide was a sin? Did he tell them in an honourable way to ascend? Father John, in my eyes, was not a believer in what he was preaching, by believing what he was saying would mean he wasn’t in power and the things he said were out of his hands. He told his followers that the things he told them were from God, but truly that cannot be true, because a man who needs to be in control, he would feel powerless, if God was I fact in charge. I believe that most of his followers believed in God, they believed he was true and that he spoke to God. Some on the other hands were probably there out of sheer fear, fear that they wouldn’t ascend or they simply just feared Father John. No, Father John did not believe his own creed, he was a criminal, a fraud who was playing another angle, one that lead him to a compound were he could and did have all the power and control he wanted and craved. By believing his own creed, he’d the power and if he didn’t have the power, the control would go away as well.

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Quick Q&A – 

Favourite Character – Moonbean

Favourite Quote – What if the only way out of the darkness is to light a fire?

Most shocking part – When we found out Nate was dead and that Moonbean killed Father John( I thought he was the one to light the fire).

Best part – When Moonbean finally told the whole story – she could finally be free of any guilt and could try and get her life back together.

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It wasn’t until the end of the book that I realised that Will Hill based his book on the ‘Branch Davidians and the Waco siege in 1993. After reading about the American cult and what happened during the 51 day stand off with agencies like the FBI, it makes more sense. Although the book doesn’t talk about any 51 day stand off, it talks about a fire, in which the cause is unknown, in the book it is Luke who sets the church on fire and Moonbean who kills their leader. The book also mentions the weapons, which was the reason the raid took place. I think Will Hill did an amazing job at writing this book, it is hard to write something about a religious cult and make it not an attack on a religion.

What are your views on this book? Did you like Moonbean’s recovery? What did you think about Father Johns intentions? Did you have empathy toward Luke?

Let me know in the comments below or on Twitter – @lifeasshanx #AfterTheFire

Shannon x

 

 

It’s a period, get the fuck over it.

We are told to conceal our tampons under our sleeve while we walk to the bathroom. We are told not to talk about our periods, because we don’t want anyone to know we are on our period. We are told to say its a headache when are questioned about taking painkillers. Basically, we are told to act as if periods don’t exist. Well, I’m here to talk about why that is the completely wrong way to go.

It’s natural, I know that, hopefully you do to. You need to have a period to grow, to become a woman. So, why are we brought up to believe and think periods are disgusting and something to be ashamed of? I bleed once a month, sometimes ALOT, why is that such a big deal?

I don’t understand why a period is seen as ‘dirty’ and something a woman should shame. Where did that come from? Who was it that decided they were going to shame a woman for something completely natural and out of her control? Without periods a woman wouldn’t be able to have a child, they wouldn’t be able to ‘grow’ into woman.

Yesterday, much to my anger and shock, I received a message on snapchat from a male(whom is in his 20’s and is living with his girlfriend and her children) saying ‘Do you have to put stuff up on your story about your period’. Now, the post I put on my snapchat story was a black screen with the text ‘Period pains are killing me’, there was no image and no Emojis, just words, saying that my period pains were really hurting me. This ‘man child’ decided to message me because he was disgusted and offended that I put this on my story, now I didn’t know what to say to this message at first because I was shocked and a little pissed off to be honest. This isn’t the first time I have had a male( whom is either a friend or family member) message me TELLING me to take something down on social media. I once had an image of my legs in the bath on snapchat, now this was a racy image, everything was covered you could just see some skin from my legs under the bubbles, I was TOLD to take this picture down, I didn’t of course. I was once told I shouldn’t wear a dress that revealed my chest because ‘You look a bit like a slut’. Oh, you think I look like a slut? Well, you sound like an asshole so do me a favour and fuck off. What is it with some men thinking that can instruct me on what to wear and what I should and should not be posting on social media. What I post, as long as it doesn’t affect anyone(and by affect I mean it doesn’t hurt someone) I don’t see how its any of their business.

I don’t care if you’re my best friend, my boyfriend or a family member, I am a grown woman and I will say what I like, wear what I feel comfortable and good in and do what I please and as long as I’m not hurting anyone I don’t see why you feel your input on my life choices actually matters.

Just a word for the wise, don’t tell a grown woman what she should and shouldn’t be wearing, its her live, not yours, she’ll decide for herself, she’s more then capable of making her own life choices.

(By the way I told that lad were to go when he messaged me about my periods, I love the delete button!)

Shannon x

 

This is how I’m feeling right now – pointless.

What am I feeling right now? They say write about what you feel right now but truthfully does anyone even want to know how I feel right now? Because I don’t have some glitter to sprinkle on this shitty situation, there is no silver lining right now, there’s no nothing right now. I can’t write a piece about staying positive and bouncing back because right now, at this very minute I wouldn’t even believe it so how am I meant to get others to believe it. I can’t be smiles and laughs all the time and some people in my life find that hard to comprehend. I can’t give anyone the ‘It’s going to be alright’ speech right now because I don’t even feel alright.

I’m lost, I’m confused, hell I’m angry. I don’t know what else to say, I have no way to solve my problems right now, I do what people tell me to do, apply for unemployment, keep yourself busy, apply for new jobs. I do it all but what do I do about my passion? I don’t want to write, I can’t find something I want to write about, I feel like writing is a big part of who I am but my feelings have ruined so much in my life so why are they going to help me now? They aren’t, that’s how I feel right now.

I’m feeling hopeless, its pointless, its the same but its different all at once and none of it makes sense, I don’t make sense, I cant barely string together a sentence right now, how am I meant to form a quality blog post? Well I can’t, so I’m offering this piece instead, a piece written by me at a moment of confusion and anger and lose. I have nothing to say right now, I don’t want to say anything right now.

That’s how I am feeling right now.

THIS.

14 Songs from One Tree Hill

Want to know my top 14 from the hit TV show One Tree Hill? Here are 14 songs to save you life from one of the best TV shows – for music and much more.

I think we would all be lost without music and a lot of people my age listen to ‘top of charts’ and quite frankly it’s a load of shit. There I said it and with that loads of people my age just got really mad and defensive, well its my opinion of course, but come on, most of the music these days is auto-tuned and not even written by the actual artist, they aren’t talented, they aren’t creative, they have ‘it’. Anyone can have a music career these days, why? I don’t know, I guess people these days would rather listen to fake shit made by pretty artists then the REAL musicians out there, excluding Ed Sheeran, I can’t stand modern music. Give me 80’s music to dance to any day, give me 90’s music for a party any day, give me 00’s music any day to sing along too.

But today I have selected some of my favourite ‘One Tree Hill’ songs. Enjoy!

Here Comes A Regular – The Replacements

Half Moon – Blind Pilot

Good Life – OneRepublic

I Shall Believe – Sheryl Crow

Can’t Go Back Now – The Weepies

Coffee And Cigarettes – Michelle Featherstone

Hear You Me – Jimmy Eat World

Always Love – Nada Surf

Stay Away – The Honorary Title

Broken – Lifehouse

I Dare You To Move – Switchfoot

Boston – Augustana

Secret Crowds – Angels & Airwaves

The Girl – City And Colour

Terror Won’t Win

Today I woke up to find out that Manchester was the next city to be a victim to a terror attack. Anger and confusion are among the feelings I had the moment that I found out that the bomb went off at a concert – one in which thousands of young people where. I watched the videos that played on the news, the videos that were filmed inside the venue, I wasn’t listening to the women talking over the video footage because I was engrossed and shocked by the video I was watching. The video simply showed  girls panicking, running, screaming and all I could think was, those poor girls. Imagine getting tickets to your favourite artist, telling all your friends how excited you are about going to see them, getting ready with your friends, stepping into that arena and buying merchandise, sitting in your seat, watching your favourite artist, taking selfies and videos and next minute, after an amazing night with your friends or family, a bomb goes off. You’re walking out of that arena, talking about the concert, happy and content and then that’s it, your life had changed or worse, it’s over.

When I woke up this morning, 19 people had lost their life, just like that. Another 50 were injured. When I got home from work 22 people had lost their life, or should I say 21, because that bomber, that killed 21 people, doesn’t deserve to be classed as anything other then the terrorist that took 21 people with them in their sick, twisted plan. This evening he was named – Salman Abedi. This man, this disgusting man took the life of 21 people, including an 8 year old girl…AN EIGHT YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL. Many more are missing, including teenagers. All I can do, like everyone else is hope, hope that they are okay, that they are found and are safe and okay… as okay as someone can be after such a horrible event.

I can’t stop staring at the picture on the news of the little girl who lost her life, I stare at it and I see my sister, who is also eight, I see my sisters friends, I see every eight year old girl. I don’t understand. I really don’t. This little girl was just going to see an artist she liked, she was probably told all her friends she was going, she probably wanted to buy a top, she probably was singing hours before her death. She was probably walking out that arena at half 10 at night, tired and excited at the same time. What I cant understand, what I don’t get is, how a life can just end, how someone can end a life just like that. We hear it everyday, someone killed someone else. We hear it every month, someone took multiple lives. Last night Salman Abedi took 21 lives. He put over 50 people in hospital. He left mothers, fathers, grandparents, friends and partners scared that they may not have a girlfriend, boyfriend, daughter, son, wife, husband or CHILD anymore. He made young girls and boys panic, cry and scream, he put so much fear in them. All they were doing is enjoying a concert in an arena that holds 15,000 people.

Why do they do this? When I say ‘they’ I am not talking about a whole religion or race, I am talking about the ones who twist the religion they follow and make it their own. I will never understand those people. Why? I keep asking that question. Why do they do this? I know why I some degree but I think I’ll never know fully why they do what they do. Why do they need to take all these people with them? Why do they need to take children with them? How do they think they are going to ‘Heaven’? How can they think killing people is good? How? Just how? Again by ‘they’ I mean the few that take their religion to far, unfortunately the ‘few’ is becoming many.

What do they want? Do they want the western countries to be non-existent? Are we not allowed to live our life and be happy? Cant children and teenagers go to a concert safely? Can’t people go to a Christmas market without it ending in tragedy? Can’t we all just live our life without these people taking many peoples lives and leaving others empty inside?

I won’t stop living my life. I will still go to concerts and the theatre. I will still go on holiday this year and I will go to work tomorrow. I will dress how I always have and speak the way I always have, I will be the same person because I will not let anyone – not these sick twisted extremist, win. They won’t take away my life, they won’t fill me with fear. Anger yes, Fear no.

I hope no more die, but this won’t be the last terror attack in the UK and as much as we can prepare ourselves for it, we can’t stop living our lives either, they can’t win. They won’t. Terrorists will always be around, just as extremists will and religions. We have to live with that piece of truth, but we don’t have to live in fear. We can’t live in fear.

Q&A: Love & Relationship Edition

What is the ideal number of calls a couple should exchange in a day?

1-2

Would you compromise your happiness for the success of the relationship?

No, if the person I am with doesn’t make me happy, why would I be with them?

What’s your idea of a romantic vacation?

Anywhere other then the UK, that has the nice weather, culture and the ocean.

What’s the single most important thing for a relationship to be successful?

Trust.

What would you define as cheating?

Kissing someone else, sleeping with someone else, or purposely flirting or leading someone on.

If someone cheated on you, would you ever forgive them?

No. Like the old saying goes ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater’. I’ve forgiven a cheater one to many times and it’s only me that gets hurt, not them, if they don’t respect you enough to tell you they aren’t happy with you, why should I give away my own self respect and forgive them.

Are you friends with any of your exes?

No, I guess some people can be but I can’t personally.

How should finances be planned between a couple?

It all depends on the person and their situation. I would keep mine separate until marriage but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t buy us lunch or pay for tickets, just as with friends, I don’t keep track of how much we ‘owe each over’ If they buy lunch, I’ll get tea. It’s simpler that way.

Do you think celebrating Valentine’s Day is corny?

I don’t like the whole ‘fancy meal and rose petals on the bed’ thing anyway, so yes, for me its corny and over hyped. Give me and my boyfriend a takeaway and the night to binge watch TV, that will be more then fine.

Do you think past relationship secrets should always be kept hidden?

No, keeping secrets like past relationships has a way of coming back and biting you in the ass most of the time. They don’t need to know everything but if you dated their Boss’s son, it should probably be out in the open, otherwise you might find yourself on the other side of the question ‘ why didn’t you tell me?’.

Do you think confessions make a relationship stronger?

Sometimes, it depends on what you’re confessing.

Is it fine for a partner to use the toilet with the door open?

Personal preference I guess, but I wouldn’t not go the toilet or stop him if one of use was in the shower or bath.

After a break up, would you ask for your gifts back/would you give back all the gifts?

I wouldn’t ask for mine back, but I would give anything expensive back or things that are his.

Describe your perfect man/woman that you would like to date.

Someone loyal and trusting. Someone who understands my sarcasm and I can have banter with. Someone who doesn’t force me to live my life a certain way but is adventurous and outgoing.

In a relationship, what would make you feel happier, sharing or sacrificing?

I feel like you do both in a relationship but sharing over sacrificing. I would rather have half of something then nothing at all.

What are some annoying habits of other couples that irritate you the most?

Full on PDA. Okay, dancing in a club, I don’t mind it, full on grinding, save for it for private please, If I wanted a free sex show, I’d go online thanks. I don’t mind couples doing their ‘cute couple’ things like kissing and holding hands, hell I do that as well but I don’t need to eating my lunch and witness two people full on making out and feeling each over up, I’m just here to eat my pasta and talk to my friends, again if I wanted a free sex show, I’d be online.

Who would you prefer as a partner, a good looking person or an extremely clever person?

Is it wrong of me to say a bit of both…?

How do you vent out your frustrations in a relationship?

I read and I write and I find a way of expressing how I feel without going completely crazy for a little misunderstanding.

Is sex about constantly pushing the boundaries or playing by the rules?

The only ‘rules’ anyone needs to follow during sex is the ‘rules’ set out by the two of you before sex. Consent is a rule, playing by the rules would be to listen to your partner, they say no, you don’t have sex, they say yes, you can have sex, its simple really. As for pushing the boundaries, if that’s something you both want, fair enough but don’t push anything on someone they don’t want to do. Everything within reason.

Would you feel insecure if he/she spent a lot of time at work?

No, I spend a lot of time at work and when I’m not at work I like to spend time with other people in my life like friends and family, as long as we don’t go all week without talking and weeks without seeing each over, I wouldn’t really be concerned.

How many sexual partners have you had in the past?

Okay, quite personal, but okay… 6.

Do you like babies/how many kids would you like to have someday?

I don’t know if I want children. I’m okay with being a big sister right now and my career is just starting, children are a distant thought, if one at all.

What kind of a parent do you think you’d be?

I think I would be like my mum and I think my mums a good one, so if I have children I aspire to be like her.

When do you think a person is ready for marriage?

You can be with someone your whole life and not get married, that’s fine. If I get married I think I would have to be 100% in it, I would have to trust him with my life and believe with everything that it was going to work out.

Would you relocate for love?

Depends on how long we have been together and how far the ‘relocating’ would be.

Would you be open to disclosing all your health issues with him/her all the time?

Well, sure. I’d mention I went the doctors but I don’t feel the need to go into detail of the smear exam.

If you’re having a bad day, would you want him/her to leave you alone or spend time with you and cheer you up?

At first I would want to be alone to calm down, have a bubble bath and a sleep then I would like him to be there if he can, to vent or to chat too.

What’s more important, sexual chemistry or spending time together?

Both. If spending time together is more important, you’re more like best friends but if its all about sexual chemistry you’re just having sex. Both equal a healthy relationship.

I’ve missed doing Q&A’S! If you want more Q&A’s let me know in the comments or tweet me – What do you want to know?

Tweet me – @lifeasshanx

Shannon x

Grief isn’t easy to talk about.

Grief, as well as many other things that have happened in my life contributed to my depression.  There are supposed to be ‘Stages’ to grieving but I never found that of much help or comfort. I struggled with the death of my dad, I experienced every possible kind of emotion when dealing with his death. I spent so much time no believing it to be true, thinking about how this can’t be happening, it can’t be MY dad, My dad wouldn’t die of cancer, he just wouldn’t. But he did.

I was angry at myself for not spending enough time with him, I was angry at the doctors for not saving him, I was angry at the people around me for not understanding that I didn’t want to do certain things or act like myself – happy. I was confused and lost, I didn’t know what to do, what to say to people when they said ‘I’m sorry about your dad’, I started searching for closure or something to take the pain away but I couldn’t. I felt as if my heart was actually aching, like someone just punched me in the stomach five times in a row, I wasn’t myself, I was dazed. Weeks went by and I cried at his funeral and when my family spoke of how much he loved me but the real pain, the real sadness, that didn’t come for months after his death. Maybe I was avoiding it, maybe I was telling myself if I didn’t think about him or his death that I didn’t have to face it, but like anything in life, eventually you have to face the things you have been running from. When I started to feel the real pain, the hurting and the struggling kicked in, I become someone else completely, I went from being dazed and confused to utterly lost and alone in my own bubble.

They tell you you’re aren’t alone but these are the same people who told you to move on from everything, so what do they know.

The first time you are told that the person you love is no longer here, you feel sad and as if someone has just shot you in the heart but you’re alive to feel the pain. That pain, that sadness compares nothing to how it feels weeks and months later when you come to the realisation that, that person isn’t really here anymore, they won’t see another birthday or Christmas, they won’t congratulate you on your new job or your first baby, because they won’t be here to see any of that and once you realise that, that’s when the truly utterly painful mourning really begins, the kind that changes who you are whether that be for a couple weeks, months, years or forever.

Death changes you, whether it makes you a better person or not. I am not talking about crying into your pillow at night because you miss them, I am not talking about a sense of aloneness or of being lost. I am talking about the kind if pain in which you don’t ever think you are going to come back from, the kind of pain I felt when I lost my dad and now my auntie.

Right now I feel lost and alone yes, but I am also hurting past the point of crying into my pillow. I have a stable life, so I’m lucky I have something to fall back on when everything is feeling so bad I can’t even talk to someone, but I never always had a stable life and that’s how I almost lost mine, after my dad died. Luckily I found my way back, but right now I feel my whole existence seeping back down into the pit of nothingness and white noise.

Always Love

My boss once told me she doesn’t hate, she doesn’t like certain people but she simply just doesnt hate anyone. How do you do that? I asked one day while talking about past relationship’s and abusive partners. I don’t know how she does it, maybe its my age, maybe its my past but how can’t you hate at least one person in this world when its full of nasty disgusting people. I should see the good in people right? Because I’m young and naive but I’m not naive and I may only be 18 but my mind is years ahead, about 20 years ahead. So why, unlike my boss can’t I get over something or someone enough to let go of the hate. I think its because the pain is still raw, its only been 4 years since “B” hurt me, only 3 since my dad died and only 2 since another took all my trust for anyone away. I used to be this hurt little girl but for years I’ve known I need to be tougher and stronger and the last year I have gained confidence and strength, the kind of things I needed to be this person who takes no shit from people and doesn’t let people walk all over me. I stand up for what I believe in and tell my opinions because Im not some silly little girl, I like to be challenged and I love to learn and listen and be there for people. I sound like a 18 year old young girl but if you really listen to what I’m saying, you would think I wasa 60 year old who had seen the world and lived through it all. But I’m just me. I do hold a grunge to those who hurt me but they don’t scare me and I wont put my head down when they go past, I’m someone who’s still learning who I am and what my purpose is but I’m also that someone that found a reason to keep living even after being in the darkest of places! I don’t think its immature to hate, I just still hold the pain of what these people did close to my chest and maybe that will go away some day, that grip on the hatred I have for them, maybe it will loosen and fly away one day. Maybe it never will.

What’s left to say.

We don’t really know anyone do we? Correction, I don’t really know anyone. How do these people do it? They have friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers, sisters and parents that they understand, they get them, they’re like them. But I don’t feel connected like these people do, to anyone I know. I have friends who read this blog, I have a boyfriend who reads this blog, yet I am writing about how I don’t feel connected to them and that sounds bad but, well I guess it is. The truth is, I spent most of my teen years lying, lying to save myself the real heartache that was my life, the pain and suffering I caused myself by doing that in high school was my own fault, but since I turned a teenager I haven’t been able to connect to anyone. Yes, I have friends and I care about them and we do have things in common like TV shows, music and fashion but those are artificial things, those are normal things that make 2 people friends. But what about those things that make me, me? I have had a shitty life. Not the worst, but not the best, it was just shitty. How do you find someone out there that not only understands you but knows what you’ve been through, maybe its down to trust, but I don’t have any of that either. I don’t trust people around me, I don’t trust that they really care or that they are genuine towards me. I don’t trust myself to fall in love, because I cannot control that outcome, I don’t trust myself to believe in something, I never have been able to fully trust anyone. Why? Well that’s a good question. I would say it was because of my abusive ex boyfriend who did what he wanted to me even when I said no, even when I shouted no. Or maybe it was my best friend who broke my heart, I believed him, just like I believed my ex and it didn’t turn out well, actually it turned out really, really badly. Or it could be that I was bullied in my last years of school, those girls, those lads they tore me down, they made me feel like I was not worth even being here, and I nearly let them win, but I am here writing this post so, they didn’t win, but neither did I.

What is it going to take for me to trust someone, not just say I trust them and lie through my teeth yet again but really trust them. What is it going to take for me to say ‘I Love You’ and mean it and who will it be too. Who is going to be that person who makes me feel like I don’t need to hide behind my own wall I put up when I was a scared 10 year old girl.

When I was 10, my stepdad used to hit me, he would be drunk and pissed off and I would get the business end of his fist, in my face.

When I was 14, I was raped and abused by my ‘Boyfriend’ at the time. I believed him when he said he loved me and he was sorry. I was 14.

When I was 15, my dad died of cancer, months later I wanted to die as well.

When I was 16, I finished high school after 2 years of being bullied and talked about behind my back. I never want to go back there.

When I was 18, I went on anti-depressants. They help, but they don’t take all the pain away.