Posted in Advice♥, MyStorys, Women; It's safe here.

Why I NEED Feminism

Anyone who is a feminist out there has their own reasons for being one. Most of the time, these reasons are similar or the same to others, but their reasoning for needing it, that’s what different, because everyone’s experiences with the things that fuel the need for feminism in the first place are different.

Feminism. Yes, it’s a word and it’s not a bad one. Yet people are stigmatized for stating they are one. Just like periods, masturbation and fetishes, feminism isn’t taboo. It isn’t about some gender being a head of another. It’s about equality, something everyone should be concerned about. Yet, feminists get a reputation for being ‘crazy, lesbian, men hating ugly women’. Isn’t it funny how, when we are talking about equality and equal rights, people have to put a label on what they think the cause is about. They don’t agree with it, so they stick a label on the cause, they stigmatize these people. For what? The hope that less people will become a feminist? Because god for bid you become a ‘crazy, man hating women’ right? Wrong, it’s not funny. Not at all.

Although the feminism movement didn’t appear till the 1960s/1970s, women have been fighting for equal rights since 1848. The first women’s conference was held in Seneca Falls, America in 1848. It was at this time that women started to realise that in order to change society they would need their own organisations to do so. But it wasn’t really until 1897 that the move for women to have a vote actually started. Millicent Fawcett founded the National Union of Women’s Suffrage. The word ‘suffrage’ means the right to vote. She wanted a peaceful protest. She felt that any violence would persuade men that women could not be trusted. Her tactics were patience and logical arguments. She argued that if parliament made laws and if women had to obey those laws, then women should be part of the process of making those laws: she argued that women had to pay taxes, like men, they should have the same rights as men. It was unfortunate that her progress was very slow.

She converted some of the members of the Labour party (known as the labour representation committee back then), most men thought women wouldn’t be able to understand how parliament worked and therefore should not take part in the electoral process. This made women angry, which prompted the creation of the Women’s Social and Political Union in 1903 by Emmeline Pankhurst and her daughters.

The union became better known as the Suffragettes. The members of the suffragettes were prepared to use violence to get what they wanted. The suffragettes continued fighting for the right to vote, holding protests and even getting arrested for doing so. The Cat and Mouse Act was introduced to deal with hunger strikes that where being held by jailed suffragettes. The act would allow the suffragettes to starve while in jail if they did not want to eat, they would then release the suffragettes, so the government wasn’t responsible for the death on an inmate. Once they were fit and healthy again, they were re-arrested for any reason and this process would happen again. On the 8th June 1913, Emily Wilding Davison died after stepping out in front of King George V’s horse at the Epsom Derby on the 4th June 1913. She was a member of the Suffragette movement. She was their first martyr. In 1918, women over the age of 30( who also met a property qualification) were given the right to vote. It wasn’t until 1928 that all women over the age of 21 had the right to vote.

Of course, it didn’t end there. There was a lot that still needed to be fought. For instance, the pay gap between women and men, discrimination in the work place and sexual and physical violence issues.

In 1948, The NHS was introduced, which gave everyone access to free healthcare, where as before only the insured (mainly men) would benefit. In 1974 contraceptives become available, free under the NHS.

In 1977, the first rape crisis centre opened in London.

In 1985, The Equal Pay Act allowed women to be paid the same as men for the work of equal value.

In 1994, Rape in marriages was made illegal.

What shocks me more then the years in which some of these things were legalized or made illegal is that we are still having to fight for the most basic human rights. Men still earn more then women in some job roles or in some companies. Women and men are still subjected to physical, sexual and verbal abuse by partners, little is being done about these issues. Sexual harassment is a massive issue, one that seems to get swept under the rug more often then not.

Women and men are being sexually harassed all over the world, every second of every day. If you’re in a room filled with people right now, you can bet they have been harassed at some time in their life, and most likely it was sexual harassment. It’s to common and it shouldn’t be.

I need feminism because these women fought for my freedom. They fought for my vote, my access to free contraceptives, my right to have a legal abortion, to study anything I like, to have any Job I want, to file for a divorce, to own my own property, to have my own money. Most importantly they fought for me to be my own person. To be me, not just someone’s daughter, wife or mother. They gave me the freedom and decision to be whomever I wanted to be.

I need feminism because I am a victim of sexual abuse and our country does very little for abuse victims. Schools aren’t teaching the important issues of the world, but as long as you know algebra, who needs to know about the suffragettes and what an abusive relationship looks like… right? No, they need to learn these things in high school because too many teenage boys, boys who have grown up in the 21st century still think its acceptable to smack a girl on the ass, or stare at her chest. There are people out there that think groping, cat calling, inappropriate messages and unasked for nudes  are acceptable.

I need feminism because I am taught that walking alone at night, wearing a  short skirt or flirting is dangerous and that I should not do those things if I do not want to get raped. I live in a world, where we sexualize children, teach teenagers what to do to not get raped  and stigmatize women for living their life their own way. I live in a world where my 8 year old sister cannot take her top of at the beach, without someone telling me that it is wrong and she needs to out a top on. I live in a world where teenage boys are allowed to be young and silly. They’re allowed to be ‘boys’ but teenage girls need to careful and watch what they say and do. I live in a world where women fear walking down the street after a night out. Their heart beats faster and they start to panic when a man walks behind them in the dark. They get even more scared when that man approaches them, and he may only be asking her the time or for a lighter, but she has accepted in her head ‘this man is going to hurt me’. Why, why in 2017 is this even still possible? Why are women still living in fear? This is why I need feminism

I rejected a boy today. I was honest, I told him I didn’t have feeling for him and that I was attracted to someone else. He seemed fine about this at first, but suddenly his messages started getting meaner, he started picking at my past relationships, slut shaming me because I have talked about sex and stated I enjoyed it, I am not ashamed of that fact. Yet, he tried to make me feel like I shouldn’t talk about it openly, fuck him I thought.

So, what I took from this was, a boy who was told weeks ago of my feelings for another boy used verbal abuse to try an intimated me because he was mad at me for liking another boy or because, he wanted to make me feel bad about not liking him. It didn’t work. Neither of those reasons are okay. I respected that he may be upset but that does not mean I deserve any kind of verbal abuse for stating I did not like him, in the kindest way I could.

If I ignore a boys advances or messages, I start getting hate for it. I’ve been called a snob for ignoring a message on Instagram from someone I didn’t even know. I’ve been called a prude for not messaging back someone who sent me a nude at 1am on a Tuesday, waking me up. I have had people message me telling me I am showing a little too much of my body in pictures on Facebook. Apparently its okay for lads to pose in a mirror, flexing with no top on and caption it ‘finished my workout’ but not for a girl to post a picture in shorts and bralett captioned ‘feeling good today’. It’s the same f***ing thing!

Sexual Harassment isn’t just unwanted touching or advances. It’s all of those things I have mentioned and trust me, there are many more ways in which people are sexually harassed. It’s disgusting, we have come so far already, but we are nowhere near finished fighting for rights, for protection, for justice.

 

Shannon x

 

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Posted in MyStorys

Baby Names I Love But Probably Won’t Use

I have seen this tag, normally done by youtubers floating around and I thought I would way in on some of my favourite baby names. There is one girl name and boy name that I adore that isn’t going to be on this list because they would quite possibly be the names of my babies, if I was to ever have some. Some names I love but simply wouldn’t use because I have a friend or family member with that name. Some I wouldn’t use because of their connection to someone I would rather not remember – basically some names were ruined by people, oh well. This is a list of baby names I love but probably won’t use, their meaning, origin, rank and why I love them.

Bethany    ‘Beth’

I love names that you shorten. For instance, this one. Bethany can be shortened to Beth. There has always been something about this name that I love, but for some reason, I could never use it for my own child. I don’t really know why. I like the name, just not on my own baby.

Origin – Hebrew.

Meaning – possibly means ‘house of figs’

Bethany was first listed in 1940-1949 and reached its top rank of #99 in the U.S. during the years 1980-1989, and is presently at #420. (2015 BIRTH STATISTICS)
Read more at http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/0/Bethany#keyVy1DtgrQoyfEz.99

Amelia 

I think this name is so pretty. However, I have a niece called Amelia, so I wouldn’t be able to use this name for my own child one day. My sister is also called Millie, which is a shortened version of the name Amelia, so that is another reason why I couldn’t use this name.

Origin – Latin and Old German 

Meaning –  Rival, eager work

Amelia reached its top rank of #12 in the U.S. in the year 2015. (TOP 2000 NAMES, 2015)
Read more at http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/0/Amelia#YfrJjHyb5xewuVrp.99

Aaron

I have a friend with this name, although I like the name, it would be too weird to have a childhood friend have the same name. So, that is why this one is also on this list.

Origin – Hebrew

Meaning – Mountain of strength 

Aaron reached its top rank of #28 in the U.S. in 1994, and is currently at #52. (TOP 2000 NAMES, 2015)
Read more at http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Aaron#bWijwPSf2ITHiZYw.99

Callum

I like names that begin with C, however this name is tainted. I would like to thank my friend for that one.

Origin – Latin, Scottish and Gaelic 

Meaning – Dove

Callum was first listed in 1995 and reached its apex position of #683 in the U.S. in the year 2015. (TOP BABY NAMES, 2015)
Read more at http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Callum#24qxxoiMCGM8lJye.99

Calla (Girl)

I love this name. I think it’s simple and pretty. I don’t know when I first heard this name but ever since I have liked it. In fact the only reason it is on this list is the closeness the name has to favourite boys name. This name could be used in the future.

Origin – Greek 

Meaning – Beautiful 

Calla reached its top rank of #770 in the U.S. in the 1880s, and is presently at #1565. (TOP 2000 NAMES, 2015)
Read more at http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/0/Calla#R6jOOBfdb9WC614K.99

Cassidy (Boy)

Again another C name. I like this name on a boy more then a girl, I know it is typically a girls name but as you can see I do like a fair few rare names. I mean the names I like aren’t out there by any means but they’re not all in the top of the charts. I like this name for a boy only because its different. I don’t hear it on a boy often.

Origin –  Irish, Welsh and Gaelic  

Meaning – curly-headed; ingenious, clever

Cassidy was first listed in 1970-1979 and reached its apex position of #861 in the U.S. in the 1980s, but is not in the Top 1000 at the moment. (2015 U.S. SSA RECORDS)
Read more at http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Cassidy#MSmPzR0fcq9ZZHJu.99

 

 

Posted in Advice♥, MyStorys, Uncategorized

What is school all about? – BACK TO SCHOOL.

The year was 2014 and I fled my high school as soon as the teacher said ‘good luck’ to my entire year as we sat in assembly waiting for the teachers to finish babbling on about our future and how they’re a big part of our success – haha, they were jokers them lot!

As you can gather from my opener, I HATED high school. Now, it wasn’t the learning part. I liked that part, weird right? I didn’t the students or the place. If I was to do high school again, I’d have done it a little different but in the end I think my life would have lead a similar path either way. High school was a time of pain for me, my dad died, my boyfriend hurt me badly and I was bullied. It wasn’t the best time in my life, but regardless of all that, I tried my best to power through. Teachers in high school are so intense, they are always in your face about exams and how you need to apply yourself more to your work. I think sometimes they forget your a teenager. You’re crushing on the popular lad who sits in front of you in English. You’re falling in ‘love’ for the first time, you’re getting your heart broken for the first time or the third. You’re changing physically and mentally. You’re having your first period, you’re trying to figure out how to use a tampon, you’re worried that your pad is going to move during gym and you’re gunna have a Carrie moment right there in the changing rooms. Basically, you have a lot on and to top all those lovely feelings and emotions off, you’re dealing with teachers telling you what you do now will impact you’re entire future. Truth is, it won’t.

Now, I am not saying don’t turn up and pay attention. I still think learning is important. I just don’t think 15 year olds need the stress that is put on them by high school teachers. You may get crappy GCSE results or amazing results. What’s important is what you do after that. Do you give up? No. You go to college or get an apprenticeship or get a job. Those GCSE’s won’t define your future. They can be important if you want to go to a highly respected college or uni yes. But they aren’t a deal breaker. Not getting good results isn’t the end of the world. You’re 16, you shouldn’t be putting the world on your shoulders. Neither should any teacher, parent or friend.

School is about:

1. knowledge – I do not just mean algebra, I mean life lessons. Like sex ed, finances and how to live in the real world, employability lessons and lessons on getting your house and paying your own bills. You shouldn’t just be taught that condoms are to protect against STD’s and pregnancy. You should be teaching ALL students the meaning of the word NO, how to respect the opposite sex. Telling someone how to use a condom is useless if they’re just going to rape a girl at a party because they thought ‘she wanted it’. Teach them that smacking people on the ass on the street is not okay. Why is this not being taught? Why?

2. Socializing and Connecting  – I have never understood same sex schools. I think its important that boys and girls mix in their teenage years. Most of the time they will end up growing up not knowing how to act around the opposite sex. Males and Females need to connect with the opposite sex when growing up, I think its damaging when they don’t. School is a in which teenagers can talk to their friends about familiar issues, they can talk about things they’re all going through together. I once a teacher who said ‘ you come here to learn not talk to your friends’ – never hated a teacher more in my life. Right, I am here to listen to teacher talk like they’re a walking textbook for 6 hours and then be given 2 hours of homework, so after an *entertaining* day at school I can go home, do homework, have my tea and go to bed – how interesting.

3. Change – You’re 11 when you walk into that school for the first time, everyone is massive compared to you, the building is intimidating and you’ve got a bag full of stuff you probably will never need or lose by Friday, you’re in year 7. Over the course of the next 5 years, you’re going to change. The things in your bag will change, your body will change, your thoughts and opinions will change. It’s called growing up, but so much of it is done in high school. The lessons learned, the mistakes made, the embarrassing stories forever engraved in your brain. That all happens between Year 7 and Year 11.

I wouldn’t go back to high school if someone had a gun to my head. Overly dramatic? Yes. I guess I just really hated High School.

It is September 1st 2017. A new academic year starts Monday, my brothers go back to school Wednesday (thank god) and a new year of schooling begins. One brother is going into his last year of high school – without a care in the world, may I add. Another goes into Year 9 – He doesn’t seem to bothered either to be honest. Is it a boy thing? Have a good year whether your going into High School, College, Uni or your working!

Shannon x

 

 

Posted in MyStorys

Will finding out I am Bi-Polar change me?

Most people hear the term Bi Polar and think ‘crazy person’ but no person with a mental illness is crazy. They’re unwell, sick, ill. People break their leg, they get the flu or they are diagnosed with a disease and they get time off work. Why? because they are physically unable to do their jobs. Yet, when someone goes off work for a mental illness such as anxiety or depression, people look at you like you’re faking it, they look at you like it’s not a real reason to not be working like everyone else. When people are diagnosed with cancer, break a bone or come down with a serious illness, everyone rallies around them. They send cards and flowers, magazines, they wish them well. They write notes like ‘Get well soon’. When someone is diagnosed with a mental illness however, an overwhelming number of people don’t even bother to text or phone that person to see how they are, never mind visiting them or sending a cute card that tells them how much they are missed in the office. Why? Well, there could be a lot of reasons, like I said before, maybe some think they’re faking it, maybe some think its not that important, maybe some don’t believe that mental illnesses can’t possibly go undetected by the public because to have a mental illness you must look ‘ crazy’… right?

Wrong. Yes, there are a number of mental illness that show signs to the public everyday. For instance, Personality Disorders and some forms of Schizophrenia can be noticed by people that work with the person, people who see them regularly but most mental illnesses are hidden very well by the person who is suffering. Just because a person looks confident, doesn’t mean they don’t judge themselves or their actions in their heads. Just people a person smiles and laughs in front of you, doesn’t mean they don’t go home, close front door and cry for hours. Just because a person looks healthy, happy and content with life, doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking about suicide and ‘ending it’.

A lot of people these days are more aware of mental illnesses, they respect that they exist, they don’t stop being friends with someone because they have an illness, they don’t always understand it but they try to. But, even with family, friends and professionals looking after you in different ways, you still feel alone. Like you’re the only one on your side on the battle field. They’re all behind you, ready to defend you and help you but you’re front and centre and you feel overwhelmed, alone, scared. You think you can’t take this other side on, it’s too much and for some people, they lose the battle. Those people shouldn’t be called cowards or selfish. It isn’t fair that people say things like ‘they just gave up’. No, they didn’t ‘just give up’ they fought hard and painfully everyday. They got up every morning and breathed and they tried with everything they had to stay, to get better, to feel better. Suicide isn’t something someone with a mental illness does because they want attention or because they’re a coward. It is something that is done because mental illnesses are painful and frustrating and are cruel diseases.It pushes us away from the ones we love and it can even push us to end our own lives. Mental illnesses aren’t something to be swept under the rug, they do not deserve the stigma and they shouldn’t be something someone is ashamed of.

I’ve written countless times about anxiety and depression. I’ve wrote about their effects and how to deal with anxiety attacks and how to ease depression. I’ve written about the stigma that mental illnesses still hold and how having a mental illness affected my life and friends. Things have changed and my diagnoses has changed. You see, here in the UK, we have the NHS which is a wonderful thing, we don’t HAVE to have insurance to have access to see a doctor or to get medication. Operations are provided to us at a NHS hospital for free and Medication is only paid for if you have a job and earn over a certain amount a year. But, one thing the NHS falls short on is waiting times. It being a public service, much like the police, it has a lot of clients. ‘Walk in’ centres were created to put an ease on hospitals and doctors practices but yet their waiting lists are months long. If you go into a hospital and get admitted to A&E, you wait an average of 3 hours on a normal day. You go the walk in and you wait an average of 1.5 hours, although I have waited 3 hours in one once. You want an appointment with the doctor and sometimes have to wait a whole week before getting an appointment. They ask you if its an emergency when you call the doctor, they say you need to go the hospital if you have taken pills or cut yourself, but what they don’t tell you is that when you get the hospital, unless you’re dying, it’s not an emergency. You’re placed in a waiting room, you are put on a list, at the bottom. Just like when you go on the mental health crisis team waiting list. Six months can go by before you even hear anything back. Six months could be too late, six months isn’t acceptable. But, what else can someone with an average wage each month afford? They can’t go private. They have to rely on the NHS.

I was 14 when I first went the an NHS centre over something more serious than a water infection. It was when I was raped. They have documented proof of what I went through, my words, my ‘evidence’. They bounced me from counsellor to counsellor, each one as disappointing and unhelpful as the last. I didn’t give up though, I went through many different services, all claiming to have ‘helped me all they can’ or stating ‘we cannot help this person, they need a different company’. Because I had been raped and abused, they wanted to me to go a specialists for that, because I was attempting and contemplating suicide they suggested someone else for that as well, because I presented with mild anxiety and moderate depression, they suggested yet another company. I was 17 when I gave up going the hospital when I hurt myself. Years of bouncing from one company to another had me angry and frustrated. I kept thinking to myself, why don’t any of these people want to help me? You go the doctors and they don’t even listen, they want to get you out the door as fast as you walked through it. They don’t really listen, they ask a few questions, write something down and tell you they’re going to refer you to another company – yet again. You go the hospital and they bandage you up and send you home. How is that helpful?

I have spent many years confused. Why do I act this way? Why don’t I feel a certain way all the time? Why doesn’t my illness line up with that of someone with anxiety and depression. Did I have severe depression and anxiety or was it a completely different illness. Under 18’s are barely ever given meds, but as soon as I hit 18 they had me on an anti-depressant, at 19 I was on a beta blocker. They didn’t do much, maybe the anti-depressant dosage wasn’t high enough, but it was only helping make part of me feel better. Had they spent more time with me when I was 14, 15, 16, 17 or 18 maybe they would have diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder, something that only this year  I found out I suffer with.

Bi Polar disorder. Makes sense I thought before I was officially examined and diagnosed. At first I felt happy. I felt like everything finally made sense. The mood changes, the depressive episodes and the mad episodes. They are called super depressive and mania. I could be flying high for days, go without sleep for over 24 hours, I could laugh uncontrollably and talk really fast, I could do things I wouldn’t normally do, I could be wreck less. Then I could crash, I could be scared, alone and angry, I could be fearful of the world and resent everyone. I could stay in bed all day and sleep. Then sometimes, in-between the sadness and the madness I could be ‘normal’, I call this my ‘content period’. A time in which I do not feel really depressed and suicidal but I don’t feel wide awake and ‘over the top’.  It all made sense, to me, my best friends and my mum. But, after I got the diagnosis I was all of a sudden ashamed. I didn’t want anyone to know. I was so open about my anxiety and depression because so many people suffered from it. People in the public eye like Zoe Sugg suffers with anxiety, suffering from something successful people suffered from made me feel like I wasn’t alone, it made me feel hopeful that I could some day do something that amazing with my life. I don’t know anyone in the public eye with Bi-Polar, either because there aren’t a lot of people with it or because they aren’t comfortable being open about it, either way this made me feel ashamed and alone all over again. I hide my pills so no one will see them and ask what they are and what I am taking them for. I don’t talk about it to people I know. I’ve become closed off again. I may have people surrounding me and supporting me but I feel all alone.

Most people who know me think this is who I am. Oh, it’s Shannon. She’s fun sometimes, other times not so much. They must just think its my personality or mood swings. They probably do think I am a little strange or different. But I don’t know who I am so how can I expect them to know who the real me is. I thought I had myself figured out. I thought I knew what I wanted and who I was. I thought I knew what I liked and didn’t like but I don’t anymore. I am questioning everything. Over the last few months I have questioned who I am, why did I choose the people that are in my life? Are they friends with me because they like the Shannon that isn’t really who I am or are they my friends because they see through that? I can’t see through it. I have been pushed, slapped, abused and spoke down too. I have been told I’m not good enough, I’ve walked down a hall with people looking at me as I pass and whispering about me when I have my back to them. I have had people call me every word imaginable. I was raped by my boyfriend, my first ever boyfriend. I was hit by my stepdad when I was 10 because he didn’t like the person I was/am. I live in a house with the mother I love with everything, but a stepdad who acts as if I am invisible. So, when people ask me if I have ‘built a wall’, you can surely bet on my answer being yes. After years of tear downs and mean words and abusive men I stopped caring. I stopped caring so much what men said to me or did. I still cry but every time someone hurts me, I get a thicker skin, a harder shell. I am all the clichés. I am the ‘tough nut to crack’. I’m seen as cold and vindictive and bitchy sometimes, because I don’t open up or because I close myself off. I don’t get excited with my friends about boys or going on holiday. I guess I always assume the boy is going to hurt them and that something bad is going to happen. I have become negative and tough on the outside but inside I don’t always feel like that. Sometimes it feels like an act. Sometimes a word or a name or an action can hurt like a punch to the stomach. I just act as if I am not the least bit bothered. So, who am I? If I get better on these meds, does that mean my personality changes? The person I have taught myself to be to the world, will that change? Will my laugh and smile go away? Most of the time, the only time I actually smile and laugh is when I am being manic. Will I not be the same person or will I stay the same? Mybe this is who I am, but it scares me. It’s hard to admit but it scares me to think about my future and the person I don’t know inside me.

I don’t like uncertainty. It’s one of the only things left that still scare me to death.


This a hard post for my to share, sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes. I have only done one re-read. The issues talked about in this post are upsetting to me and posting this post makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. However, I know other people suffer with similar illnesses and even know this post doesn’t offer any advice only my opinion and experience, it could still help other people, that and the fact I needed to get some things off my chest is why this post is public.

Shannon x

Posted in MyStorys, Uncategorized

Best Episodes Of One Tree Hill

It’s a magical place, son. I’ve seen that magic in your eyes for the past nine years. There’s only one Tree Hill, Jamie Scott. And it’s your home.”

There are plenty of good shows out there, shows that make us laugh, make us cry, make us think, make us change what we believe in but One Tree Hill did all of those things. A show that started about two brothers brought up very differently turned into a show that would set the standards high for any future shows. To choose the best episode or season would be impossible because there are so many episodes that scream out at me for being important in their own way. There are so many reasons why this show is special, how it’s different. This was the show that changed my outlook on life, the way I thought about life and ambitions and dreams, family and friends, love and heartache. The storylines were interesting and drama filled, the characters relatable and full of depth but what made this show stand out was the music, the show centres around music, the music helps the scene, it tells a story all by its self.

01-16-2004-Planet-Hollywood-bethany-joy-lenz-and-james-lafferty-6438518-2560-1786
(Left to right) – Haley, Nathan, Jake, Peyton, Lucas, Brooke.

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Like I said its impossible to name ONE favourite episode, so I’m going to name ALL my favourite episodes.

Season 3 Episode 16 –

With tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept.

This episode gave us a wake up call that not everything  ‘turns out okay in the end’ when two people don’t make it out of Tree Hill High School alive. This episode makes it on to this list for multiple reasons. The first being the amazing acting done in this episode done by Colin Fickes (Jimmy Edwards), Craig Sheffer (Keith Scott), Bethany Joy Lenz ( Haley James Scott, James Lafferty (Nathan Scott), Sophia Bush (Brooke Davis), Chad Michael Murray (Lucas Scott), Hilarie Burton (Peyton Sawyer) and the rest of the cast of the season 3 episode. The tragic and anger ridden ending we were given left me speechless. From this day on, Dan Scott was nothing but an evil man in my eyes, someone who made your blood boil, someone who didn’t deserve the forgiveness he so much wanted.

Season 3 Episode 22 –

The Show Must Go On.

Something I wanted to see all through season three was Nathan and Haley rekindle their relationship, so this episode was meant to be all smiles and happy tears but instead of ending the season with Nathan and Haley leaving for their honeymoon to London, we get a car plummeting off a bridge into the river below with Nathan’s uncle and Rachel inside. The screams from Haley ended the season. Oh, and we find out Karen is pregnant and someone else.

Season 4 Episode 09 –

Some You Give Away.

This is probably one of my favourite episodes from the whole series, I don’t really know why, whenever they focus around the basket ball games and all the main characters are together, it makes me a littler happier. This episode makes me happy but it also made my bring up my hands to cover my mouth in shock. This episode, to me, sees all these characters looking into the future and the past. Haley is pregnant with Nathans child, they’re her future. Nathan is going to be father and is about to lose one of his other loves – basketball. Luca’s doesn’t think about the future when he doesn’t take his meds and Skillz is looking at impressing scouts for college. This episode is about the future and how what you do today can affect your future.

Season 4 Episode 17 –

It gets worse at night

Something a little uplifting. After Nathan and Haley’s not so romantic prom (pregnant with a healing broken leg) and Brooke and Peyton’s Prom of Horror (Pysco Derek), they all needed( and us honestly) a break away from Tree Hill, so what better place to save Mouth and crash a Prom then Honey Grove, Texas. Oh and Chris Keller is joining them. of course.

Season 7 Episode 22

Almost everything I wish I’d said the last time I saw you.

As you can tell, I like an episode when all the main characters are together. I loved how they ended this episode, well not the shooting 2 people part, the Haley part. The season had been hard on Haley, losing her mother and seeing her go through those stages of depression was relatable and made me love Haley so much more and I loved the way she found her way back. Depression doesn’t take a day to heal, I loved that they didn’t condense her depression into one episode, but I was glad she was finally healing at the end of this episode. Lot’s of amazingly cute things also happened in this episode, proposals and pregnancies!

Season 8 Episode 11

Darkness on the Edge of Town

This episode made me cry, I actually thought we had lost Brooke Davis and I was crying for Julien and for myself because she was one of the best female leads in this show, but luckily, she doesn’t die and it became one of the best, albeit upsetting episodes of one tree hill.

Season 8 Episode 13 –

The other half of me

Finally. That is all I can say about this episode. We watched Brooke Davis get cheated on by her high school boyfriend Lucas with her best friend, she was brought up in a family that didn’t seem to care much about her and was attacked, twice. She was told she couldn’t have kids and she had her heart broken a few times. She lost Sam, she didn’t even get to meet the baby she was going to adopt, so when Brooke Davis got marred in season 8, I thought, finally the girl gets some happiness. Finally.

Season 8 Episode 18

Quite little voices

Season 8 was full of memorable episodes, this one being one. With flash backs of Naleys past, we see them about to welcome a second baby into the Scott family, everyone is excited and happy for them, but Brooke’s heart is breaking again after she finds out, she isn’t going to be a mother…yet.

Season 9 Episode 10

Hardcore will never die, but you will.

Nathan is rescued, thank god. But his dad has been shot. Chris Keller is there, of course and this is probably one of the only times that I liked Dan Scott. And quick question… why did they have to bring back the disgusting man that attacked Brooke!

Season 9 Episode 13

One Tree Hill

Come on, I had to mention the last ever episode of One Tree Hill. This episode made me happy, from start to finish. The flashbacks, the music, the words. Not many shows get that great ending, but this one did and when I ended One Tree Hill, I didn’t know what to do next, it had become such a massive part of who I was. I loved this show, not just because of the music or the characters but for the storylines and plots, for everything really.

 


Quick Q & A

Favourite Character – Brooke Davis

Favourite Couple – Nathan Scott and Haley James Scott ‘NALEY’

Favourite Friendship – Brooke Davis and Haley James Scott

Hated at first but grew to love – Alex Dupre

Favourite season – Seasons 3 and 8

nathan scottquotehaley jamesquote

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Advice♥, MyStorys

10 things I wish I knew at 15

Being 15 is hard. You’re dealing with feelings you’re not yet used to having every day, you are dealing with fake friends and first love.

There are things I wish I knew at 15, if you’re 15 or nearly 15, you should know these things as well.

  1. You won’t be friends with 95% of these people when you leave, so whether you’re ‘popular’ or not, it doesn’t matter. In 5 years you won’t even remember their second names.
  2. The exam results/grades your teachers are pressuring you to get aren’t the most important thing in the world – your health is. Teacher’s say things like ‘ these tests will define your future’ but they don’t and they won’t. You’ll define your future. You have your whole life to learn.
  3. You’ll say and do things you regret. Don’t feel bad, everyone makes mistakes, all you need to remember is to learn from them.
  4. It hurts now, but it won’t forever. The person you like doesn’t like you back, your girlfriend/boyfriend broke up with you, your best friend hurt you. They feel like the worst kind of pain when you’re 15 and it’s all new to you but you won’t feel like that forever. Give it time.
  5. It’s okay to say no. It’s high school and all your friends are going to parties, getting high, drinking and having sex. You aren’t any less of a person for saying no, you aren’t any less fun for not wanting to do something. Even if its as small as your boyfriend not wanting to wear a condom, if you don’t want to put yourself at risk of STDs and pregnancy but he does, say NO. It’s your right and you shouldn’t feel bad about saying the word NO.
  6. But its okay to say yes. If you want to do something, do it. If you want to wear something, wear it. If you want to say something, say it. Do what feels right to you and don’t let other peoples small minds keep you from being who you are.
  7. Don’t stand for bullies or anyone who knocks you down. If a friend is bringing you down, leave that negative person, tell them to get out of your life. High school is hard enough, you need people who support you, make you laugh and understand you in your life. Don’t let anyone make you feel worthless.
  8. Respect your family. They have their rules and you’re probably going to break them, that’s what being a teenager is all about BUT respect your mum and dad. I lost my dad at 15 and I will always feel guilty for the argument we had a few months before he got sick. Help them, let them know you’re okay, tell them you love them.
  9. Enjoy yourself. You’re only a teenager for a couple of years, soon you’ll be doing exams and picking a collage and being pressured to pick a career path but right now, you don’t need to worry about that.
  10. Smile, laugh, work hard and be hopeful. You’ll be older soon, you’ll be out of high school soon. You’ll be away from the people you don’t like, the bullies and the cliques. You will be an adult soon and it comes around faster then you would expect.
Posted in MyStorys, Uncategorized

Grief isn’t easy to talk about.

Grief, as well as many other things that have happened in my life contributed to my depression.  There are supposed to be ‘Stages’ to grieving but I never found that of much help or comfort. I struggled with the death of my dad, I experienced every possible kind of emotion when dealing with his death. I spent so much time no believing it to be true, thinking about how this can’t be happening, it can’t be MY dad, My dad wouldn’t die of cancer, he just wouldn’t. But he did.

I was angry at myself for not spending enough time with him, I was angry at the doctors for not saving him, I was angry at the people around me for not understanding that I didn’t want to do certain things or act like myself – happy. I was confused and lost, I didn’t know what to do, what to say to people when they said ‘I’m sorry about your dad’, I started searching for closure or something to take the pain away but I couldn’t. I felt as if my heart was actually aching, like someone just punched me in the stomach five times in a row, I wasn’t myself, I was dazed. Weeks went by and I cried at his funeral and when my family spoke of how much he loved me but the real pain, the real sadness, that didn’t come for months after his death. Maybe I was avoiding it, maybe I was telling myself if I didn’t think about him or his death that I didn’t have to face it, but like anything in life, eventually you have to face the things you have been running from. When I started to feel the real pain, the hurting and the struggling kicked in, I become someone else completely, I went from being dazed and confused to utterly lost and alone in my own bubble.

They tell you you’re aren’t alone but these are the same people who told you to move on from everything, so what do they know.

The first time you are told that the person you love is no longer here, you feel sad and as if someone has just shot you in the heart but you’re alive to feel the pain. That pain, that sadness compares nothing to how it feels weeks and months later when you come to the realisation that, that person isn’t really here anymore, they won’t see another birthday or Christmas, they won’t congratulate you on your new job or your first baby, because they won’t be here to see any of that and once you realise that, that’s when the truly utterly painful mourning really begins, the kind that changes who you are whether that be for a couple weeks, months, years or forever.

Death changes you, whether it makes you a better person or not. I am not talking about crying into your pillow at night because you miss them, I am not talking about a sense of aloneness or of being lost. I am talking about the kind if pain in which you don’t ever think you are going to come back from, the kind of pain I felt when I lost my dad and now my auntie.

Right now I feel lost and alone yes, but I am also hurting past the point of crying into my pillow. I have a stable life, so I’m lucky I have something to fall back on when everything is feeling so bad I can’t even talk to someone, but I never always had a stable life and that’s how I almost lost mine, after my dad died. Luckily I found my way back, but right now I feel my whole existence seeping back down into the pit of nothingness and white noise.

Posted in MyStorys, TV Shows and Movies, Uncategorized

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

I was looking for something to watch one night on Amazon Prime when I happened to come across a new segment on Amazon video called ‘ Pilot Season’, curious to see what it was all about I clicked on the link and was presented with six pilots for new and upcoming TV shows that could be contracted to become series. Out of all of these shows the one that stuck out to me the most was ‘The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ a pilot about a young adult women in the 50’s, happily married with 2 children, when her life suddenly changes overnight. In this one night her husband leaves and she realizes she has a talent that had never been noticed before. After the episode ended, that was it, I couldn’t go about my normal activities of binge watching a TV show for hours on end because, like I said it was just a pilot episode. I jumped on the link to take the survey about the pilot becoming a series and let Amazon know my opinion on why this show should be a new ‘Amazon Original’.

Image result for the marvelous mrs maisel

I can say with all honesty if you liked Gilmore Girls you’ll like this show and it may seem weird how the script seems just as fast and witty as Gilmore Girls but that’s only because the amazingly talented Amy Sherman-Palladino directed it!

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Since the cancellation of ‘Good Girls Revolt’ I have felt a little bitter towards Amazon video because why would they cancel a perfectly good show that women can enjoy, now I am not saying us girls don’t like cars and action and I do not speak for all women but I loved the show because it shown us some real history, the struggle for women while working in the 60s/70s and what life was really like. The women’s revolution didn’t end when women could vote or own property, it was still going on with work place discrimination and lower wages, this show highlighted this, it was a good show and Amazon cancelled it. So, if they want to make up for it, they need to add another show highlighting similar issues and soon, this show is it, this show is what Amazon need.

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The show is fresh, it’s new and its different. The fast pasted, witty and funny Midge is what we need, there are many amazing shows out there, but there are many boring shows out there that all do the same thing, they follow the same plots and storylines and personally I get tired and fed up with another show just like the last, but this, this is different and I am a fan of different. Maybe it’s just me but I love a show that takes us back in time, to a time that now, in 2017 you can’t believe actually existed with the extreme sexism and double standards but amazingly at the same time, you still see these things happen in the modern world, in a time that none of it should exist, the racism, sexism and homophobes should have died out a long time again but didn’t and you can watch a show and be amazed how they used to live their lives but realize, in some ways the world is still like that to some degree.

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I am not going to lie, I sat down to watch this shoe expecting good things as I had high hopes that Amy would deliver again and I was not disappointed. I loved seeing Amy’s work in this show, you could see her work through out and that fast pasted wittiness reminded me of my much beloved show ‘Gilmore Girls’. The great thing is, these 2 shows are different but if you have ever seen Gilmore Girls you’ll also see the work of Amy throughout, it’s like her brand, witty and charming, it makes this show so much better, just by her being on it. Now, this isn’t just about Amy or a strong female show, its about something new and fresh, like I said earlier something we haven’t seen before and if the TV world needs something… its something fresh, witty and different. Trust me.

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If Amazon decides to axe this show after an amazing pilot like that, its a damn shame and they are pretty stupid for doing so. Do something right Amazon, give this pilot a series.

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Posted in MyStorys, Uncategorized

What’s left to say.

We don’t really know anyone do we? Correction, I don’t really know anyone. How do these people do it? They have friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers, sisters and parents that they understand, they get them, they’re like them. But I don’t feel connected like these people do, to anyone I know. I have friends who read this blog, I have a boyfriend who reads this blog, yet I am writing about how I don’t feel connected to them and that sounds bad but, well I guess it is. The truth is, I spent most of my teen years lying, lying to save myself the real heartache that was my life, the pain and suffering I caused myself by doing that in high school was my own fault, but since I turned a teenager I haven’t been able to connect to anyone. Yes, I have friends and I care about them and we do have things in common like TV shows, music and fashion but those are artificial things, those are normal things that make 2 people friends. But what about those things that make me, me? I have had a shitty life. Not the worst, but not the best, it was just shitty. How do you find someone out there that not only understands you but knows what you’ve been through, maybe its down to trust, but I don’t have any of that either. I don’t trust people around me, I don’t trust that they really care or that they are genuine towards me. I don’t trust myself to fall in love, because I cannot control that outcome, I don’t trust myself to believe in something, I never have been able to fully trust anyone. Why? Well that’s a good question. I would say it was because of my abusive ex boyfriend who did what he wanted to me even when I said no, even when I shouted no. Or maybe it was my best friend who broke my heart, I believed him, just like I believed my ex and it didn’t turn out well, actually it turned out really, really badly. Or it could be that I was bullied in my last years of school, those girls, those lads they tore me down, they made me feel like I was not worth even being here, and I nearly let them win, but I am here writing this post so, they didn’t win, but neither did I.

What is it going to take for me to trust someone, not just say I trust them and lie through my teeth yet again but really trust them. What is it going to take for me to say ‘I Love You’ and mean it and who will it be too. Who is going to be that person who makes me feel like I don’t need to hide behind my own wall I put up when I was a scared 10 year old girl.

When I was 10, my stepdad used to hit me, he would be drunk and pissed off and I would get the business end of his fist, in my face.

When I was 14, I was raped and abused by my ‘Boyfriend’ at the time. I believed him when he said he loved me and he was sorry. I was 14.

When I was 15, my dad died of cancer, months later I wanted to die as well.

When I was 16, I finished high school after 2 years of being bullied and talked about behind my back. I never want to go back there.

When I was 18, I went on anti-depressants. They help, but they don’t take all the pain away.

 

 

Posted in Advice♥, MyStorys

Goodbye 2016 Hello 2017

Sometimes the pain will never go away. The pain of losing a family member or the heart ache from losing someone you loved. It all hurts and I wish I could say it will go away, but sometimes it just…doesn’t. I wish I could give everyone an easy fix to heartache or death but I can’t and maybe that’s because I haven’t gotten over it yet or maybe, just maybe it’s because you never get over somethings, some people. I am not talking about a May – December romance, I am talking years of trust, comprise and commitment to one person, do you ever forget that kind of love? Do you ever hear their names after years and not feel anything? Maybe after time, you do get over it but how? Because as far as I am aware loving someone for so long, and I mean LOVING someone, you must feel something when their name is mentioned or when you see them around… that’s normal right?

I’ll never forget the people that left my life, some left not because they wanted too but because they had to and some left because they wanted too. I let some leave, as much as it killed me but I needed to let them go, but no matter what, I miss them. I miss them friends I had, not because they made me a better person or because they made me happy but for one stupid reason, they remind me of a younger me and as much as I cannot be that person anymore, sometimes it’s nice to think of a time when life was easier and simpler and the only thing that made me sad was liking someone I couldn’t have and I didn’t have anxiety and I wasn’t depressed, it was all just so much easier.

Over the years I have asked my self so many questions… Where do I go from here? What will I do? Who will I be? What will I be? Questions circled my mind for what seemed like years, ever since I left high school I haven’t known what to do with myself. High school should have been this amazing thing, but it wasn’t and I couldn’t have been out those doors any faster and to be honest the thought of school now sends shivers down my spine and makes me feel sick, I hated high school, I hated my classmates the most, not the learning part, I liked that part, I still do. I tried being a chef, but decided that wasn’t for me and that it would simply be a hobby, I tried childcare but that wasn’t for me and even though I love to write, Business Admin was definitely not for me. Finally I settled on Animal Care, but until 2016, I had no idea who I wanted to be and what I wanted to be, it was scary.

However, this year a lot of things became clearer to me, my feelings, my future, my pain. It all started to make sense, it all started to become manageable.

Earlier, I talked about love and loss, something that has been a big factor in my life since I was 14. The pain of my past hasn’t gone away after 4 long years, by now, I wished it would have, but like I said, there aren’t any quick fixes to not being in pain anymore and it sucks, it really does, but its the truth. You can read article after article about moving on and getting over someone or dealing with grieve and maybe for some they work but sometimes not even the age old saying ‘It takes time’ works because no matter how much time passes I will never get over my dad dying and I will never forget my abusive first boyfriend, or my best friend who broke my heart, when I didn’t even love him.  Loving someone can be confusing, it is confusing. But so is losing someone.

I have learnt a lot the last couple years, I am not the same person I was 4 years ago, hell, I’m not even the same person I was a year ago. Everyone says that with the new year they are going to do so many new things, most never keep to these ‘New Year Resolutions’, after 3 days it’s back to life before the 31st December, we have all done it, made unrealistic resolutions we cannot keep to, but this time last year I made a couple resolutions, the most important one; To be happy. Am I the happiest I will ever be? No, but I am happy, I am very happy. I may not have everything I want and feel the way I want too all the time, but for the most part I am happy and to me, being this happy right now is all I need and want.

This time last year I was a wreck, I actually made a show of myself at a wedding in front of someone I once liked because I was so upset, angry and confused, it wasn’t one of my finest moments, let’s just say that. This time last year, I was more confused and scared about my future then I had ever been before, although I was in college during this period and getting my grades/marks up to where they needed to be, I was worried about the upcoming year. What would it hold? What would happen to me? Would I get a job? Would I pick a career path by the time I leave college? Again, lots of questions I didn’t know how to answer. I entered 2016 not knowing what was ahead for me, I was nervous.

February 2016 rolled around pretty fast, I was leaving college, insert a very nervous and over panicked(is that a word? It is now) Shannon. I passed my exams(yay) and I left my college with more confidence and more qualifications. Although March was filled with job applications and disappointment, I finally found a career path and luckily a job, an apprenticeship actually. As of April I was working, I had made new friends, I was going out on nights out and having a good time, my life felt together, but somethings aren’t meant to be and some people aren’t meant to be in your life… who knew I wouldn’t be there longer then 6 months? August was the breaking point for me, after losing one of my best friends for a new ‘friend’ and being walked all over I had to leave, I had to run as far away from that place as I could, before I found myself not wanting to be here anymore, again. Suddenly I found myself in that place again, confused, angry and upset, a place I know very well. But I am lucky, my college tutors got me a placement nearer to home and they took me on, I guess luck is on my side… well sometimes it is.

I am still at this placement, in fact as I am writing this, we still have 104 dogs in before Christmas! Don’t worry, when you read this, I’ll be relaxing, probably being lazy in bed, not waking up till 11am, eating chocolate all day and watching TV.

But, this last year hasn’t all been about work and college, no. This year I turned 18, I wore a beautiful dress to a massive wedding, went on days out with my family, I laughed with my friends and family. I faced my fears and went to a new college! I made loads of new friends, the only downside to that is… Christmas just got a whole lot more expensive, but that’s okay. I reconnected with old family members and took a step back into my childhood, remembering my dad and our happy memories. I bought clothes and shoes that I wouldn’t normally wear, I faced my fear and built up my confidence to do something daring. I found my passion to travel, explore and have adventures again, somewhere along the line I had lost that, but I found it again and my bucket list is growing evermore.