Posted in MyStorys, Uncategorized

Grief isn’t easy to talk about.

Grief, as well as many other things that have happened in my life contributed to my depression.  There are supposed to be ‘Stages’ to grieving but I never found that of much help or comfort. I struggled with the death of my dad, I experienced every possible kind of emotion when dealing with his death. I spent so much time no believing it to be true, thinking about how this can’t be happening, it can’t be MY dad, My dad wouldn’t die of cancer, he just wouldn’t. But he did.

I was angry at myself for not spending enough time with him, I was angry at the doctors for not saving him, I was angry at the people around me for not understanding that I didn’t want to do certain things or act like myself – happy. I was confused and lost, I didn’t know what to do, what to say to people when they said ‘I’m sorry about your dad’, I started searching for closure or something to take the pain away but I couldn’t. I felt as if my heart was actually aching, like someone just punched me in the stomach five times in a row, I wasn’t myself, I was dazed. Weeks went by and I cried at his funeral and when my family spoke of how much he loved me but the real pain, the real sadness, that didn’t come for months after his death. Maybe I was avoiding it, maybe I was telling myself if I didn’t think about him or his death that I didn’t have to face it, but like anything in life, eventually you have to face the things you have been running from. When I started to feel the real pain, the hurting and the struggling kicked in, I become someone else completely, I went from being dazed and confused to utterly lost and alone in my own bubble.

They tell you you’re aren’t alone but these are the same people who told you to move on from everything, so what do they know.

The first time you are told that the person you love is no longer here, you feel sad and as if someone has just shot you in the heart but you’re alive to feel the pain. That pain, that sadness compares nothing to how it feels weeks and months later when you come to the realisation that, that person isn’t really here anymore, they won’t see another birthday or Christmas, they won’t congratulate you on your new job or your first baby, because they won’t be here to see any of that and once you realise that, that’s when the truly utterly painful mourning really begins, the kind that changes who you are whether that be for a couple weeks, months, years or forever.

Death changes you, whether it makes you a better person or not. I am not talking about crying into your pillow at night because you miss them, I am not talking about a sense of aloneness or of being lost. I am talking about the kind if pain in which you don’t ever think you are going to come back from, the kind of pain I felt when I lost my dad and now my auntie.

Right now I feel lost and alone yes, but I am also hurting past the point of crying into my pillow. I have a stable life, so I’m lucky I have something to fall back on when everything is feeling so bad I can’t even talk to someone, but I never always had a stable life and that’s how I almost lost mine, after my dad died. Luckily I found my way back, but right now I feel my whole existence seeping back down into the pit of nothingness and white noise.

Posted in MyStorys, TV Shows and Movies, Uncategorized

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

I was looking for something to watch one night on Amazon Prime when I happened to come across a new segment on Amazon video called ‘ Pilot Season’, curious to see what it was all about I clicked on the link and was presented with six pilots for new and upcoming TV shows that could be contracted to become series. Out of all of these shows the one that stuck out to me the most was ‘The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ a pilot about a young adult women in the 50’s, happily married with 2 children, when her life suddenly changes overnight. In this one night her husband leaves and she realizes she has a talent that had never been noticed before. After the episode ended, that was it, I couldn’t go about my normal activities of binge watching a TV show for hours on end because, like I said it was just a pilot episode. I jumped on the link to take the survey about the pilot becoming a series and let Amazon know my opinion on why this show should be a new ‘Amazon Original’.

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I can say with all honesty if you liked Gilmore Girls you’ll like this show and it may seem weird how the script seems just as fast and witty as Gilmore Girls but that’s only because the amazingly talented Amy Sherman-Palladino directed it!

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Since the cancellation of ‘Good Girls Revolt’ I have felt a little bitter towards Amazon video because why would they cancel a perfectly good show that women can enjoy, now I am not saying us girls don’t like cars and action and I do not speak for all women but I loved the show because it shown us some real history, the struggle for women while working in the 60s/70s and what life was really like. The women’s revolution didn’t end when women could vote or own property, it was still going on with work place discrimination and lower wages, this show highlighted this, it was a good show and Amazon cancelled it. So, if they want to make up for it, they need to add another show highlighting similar issues and soon, this show is it, this show is what Amazon need.

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The show is fresh, it’s new and its different. The fast pasted, witty and funny Midge is what we need, there are many amazing shows out there, but there are many boring shows out there that all do the same thing, they follow the same plots and storylines and personally I get tired and fed up with another show just like the last, but this, this is different and I am a fan of different. Maybe it’s just me but I love a show that takes us back in time, to a time that now, in 2017 you can’t believe actually existed with the extreme sexism and double standards but amazingly at the same time, you still see these things happen in the modern world, in a time that none of it should exist, the racism, sexism and homophobes should have died out a long time again but didn’t and you can watch a show and be amazed how they used to live their lives but realize, in some ways the world is still like that to some degree.

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I am not going to lie, I sat down to watch this shoe expecting good things as I had high hopes that Amy would deliver again and I was not disappointed. I loved seeing Amy’s work in this show, you could see her work through out and that fast pasted wittiness reminded me of my much beloved show ‘Gilmore Girls’. The great thing is, these 2 shows are different but if you have ever seen Gilmore Girls you’ll also see the work of Amy throughout, it’s like her brand, witty and charming, it makes this show so much better, just by her being on it. Now, this isn’t just about Amy or a strong female show, its about something new and fresh, like I said earlier something we haven’t seen before and if the TV world needs something… its something fresh, witty and different. Trust me.

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If Amazon decides to axe this show after an amazing pilot like that, its a damn shame and they are pretty stupid for doing so. Do something right Amazon, give this pilot a series.

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Posted in MyStorys, Uncategorized

What’s left to say.

We don’t really know anyone do we? Correction, I don’t really know anyone. How do these people do it? They have friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers, sisters and parents that they understand, they get them, they’re like them. But I don’t feel connected like these people do, to anyone I know. I have friends who read this blog, I have a boyfriend who reads this blog, yet I am writing about how I don’t feel connected to them and that sounds bad but, well I guess it is. The truth is, I spent most of my teen years lying, lying to save myself the real heartache that was my life, the pain and suffering I caused myself by doing that in high school was my own fault, but since I turned a teenager I haven’t been able to connect to anyone. Yes, I have friends and I care about them and we do have things in common like TV shows, music and fashion but those are artificial things, those are normal things that make 2 people friends. But what about those things that make me, me? I have had a shitty life. Not the worst, but not the best, it was just shitty. How do you find someone out there that not only understands you but knows what you’ve been through, maybe its down to trust, but I don’t have any of that either. I don’t trust people around me, I don’t trust that they really care or that they are genuine towards me. I don’t trust myself to fall in love, because I cannot control that outcome, I don’t trust myself to believe in something, I never have been able to fully trust anyone. Why? Well that’s a good question. I would say it was because of my abusive ex boyfriend who did what he wanted to me even when I said no, even when I shouted no. Or maybe it was my best friend who broke my heart, I believed him, just like I believed my ex and it didn’t turn out well, actually it turned out really, really badly. Or it could be that I was bullied in my last years of school, those girls, those lads they tore me down, they made me feel like I was not worth even being here, and I nearly let them win, but I am here writing this post so, they didn’t win, but neither did I.

What is it going to take for me to trust someone, not just say I trust them and lie through my teeth yet again but really trust them. What is it going to take for me to say ‘I Love You’ and mean it and who will it be too. Who is going to be that person who makes me feel like I don’t need to hide behind my own wall I put up when I was a scared 10 year old girl.

When I was 10, my stepdad used to hit me, he would be drunk and pissed off and I would get the business end of his fist, in my face.

When I was 14, I was raped and abused by my ‘Boyfriend’ at the time. I believed him when he said he loved me and he was sorry. I was 14.

When I was 15, my dad died of cancer, months later I wanted to die as well.

When I was 16, I finished high school after 2 years of being bullied and talked about behind my back. I never want to go back there.

When I was 18, I went on anti-depressants. They help, but they don’t take all the pain away.

 

 

Posted in Advice♥, MyStorys

Goodbye 2016 Hello 2017

Sometimes the pain will never go away. The pain of losing a family member or the heart ache from losing someone you loved. It all hurts and I wish I could say it will go away, but sometimes it just…doesn’t. I wish I could give everyone an easy fix to heartache or death but I can’t and maybe that’s because I haven’t gotten over it yet or maybe, just maybe it’s because you never get over somethings, some people. I am not talking about a May – December romance, I am talking years of trust, comprise and commitment to one person, do you ever forget that kind of love? Do you ever hear their names after years and not feel anything? Maybe after time, you do get over it but how? Because as far as I am aware loving someone for so long, and I mean LOVING someone, you must feel something when their name is mentioned or when you see them around… that’s normal right?

I’ll never forget the people that left my life, some left not because they wanted too but because they had to and some left because they wanted too. I let some leave, as much as it killed me but I needed to let them go, but no matter what, I miss them. I miss them friends I had, not because they made me a better person or because they made me happy but for one stupid reason, they remind me of a younger me and as much as I cannot be that person anymore, sometimes it’s nice to think of a time when life was easier and simpler and the only thing that made me sad was liking someone I couldn’t have and I didn’t have anxiety and I wasn’t depressed, it was all just so much easier.

Over the years I have asked my self so many questions… Where do I go from here? What will I do? Who will I be? What will I be? Questions circled my mind for what seemed like years, ever since I left high school I haven’t known what to do with myself. High school should have been this amazing thing, but it wasn’t and I couldn’t have been out those doors any faster and to be honest the thought of school now sends shivers down my spine and makes me feel sick, I hated high school, I hated my classmates the most, not the learning part, I liked that part, I still do. I tried being a chef, but decided that wasn’t for me and that it would simply be a hobby, I tried childcare but that wasn’t for me and even though I love to write, Business Admin was definitely not for me. Finally I settled on Animal Care, but until 2016, I had no idea who I wanted to be and what I wanted to be, it was scary.

However, this year a lot of things became clearer to me, my feelings, my future, my pain. It all started to make sense, it all started to become manageable.

Earlier, I talked about love and loss, something that has been a big factor in my life since I was 14. The pain of my past hasn’t gone away after 4 long years, by now, I wished it would have, but like I said, there aren’t any quick fixes to not being in pain anymore and it sucks, it really does, but its the truth. You can read article after article about moving on and getting over someone or dealing with grieve and maybe for some they work but sometimes not even the age old saying ‘It takes time’ works because no matter how much time passes I will never get over my dad dying and I will never forget my abusive first boyfriend, or my best friend who broke my heart, when I didn’t even love him.  Loving someone can be confusing, it is confusing. But so is losing someone.

I have learnt a lot the last couple years, I am not the same person I was 4 years ago, hell, I’m not even the same person I was a year ago. Everyone says that with the new year they are going to do so many new things, most never keep to these ‘New Year Resolutions’, after 3 days it’s back to life before the 31st December, we have all done it, made unrealistic resolutions we cannot keep to, but this time last year I made a couple resolutions, the most important one; To be happy. Am I the happiest I will ever be? No, but I am happy, I am very happy. I may not have everything I want and feel the way I want too all the time, but for the most part I am happy and to me, being this happy right now is all I need and want.

This time last year I was a wreck, I actually made a show of myself at a wedding in front of someone I once liked because I was so upset, angry and confused, it wasn’t one of my finest moments, let’s just say that. This time last year, I was more confused and scared about my future then I had ever been before, although I was in college during this period and getting my grades/marks up to where they needed to be, I was worried about the upcoming year. What would it hold? What would happen to me? Would I get a job? Would I pick a career path by the time I leave college? Again, lots of questions I didn’t know how to answer. I entered 2016 not knowing what was ahead for me, I was nervous.

February 2016 rolled around pretty fast, I was leaving college, insert a very nervous and over panicked(is that a word? It is now) Shannon. I passed my exams(yay) and I left my college with more confidence and more qualifications. Although March was filled with job applications and disappointment, I finally found a career path and luckily a job, an apprenticeship actually. As of April I was working, I had made new friends, I was going out on nights out and having a good time, my life felt together, but somethings aren’t meant to be and some people aren’t meant to be in your life… who knew I wouldn’t be there longer then 6 months? August was the breaking point for me, after losing one of my best friends for a new ‘friend’ and being walked all over I had to leave, I had to run as far away from that place as I could, before I found myself not wanting to be here anymore, again. Suddenly I found myself in that place again, confused, angry and upset, a place I know very well. But I am lucky, my college tutors got me a placement nearer to home and they took me on, I guess luck is on my side… well sometimes it is.

I am still at this placement, in fact as I am writing this, we still have 104 dogs in before Christmas! Don’t worry, when you read this, I’ll be relaxing, probably being lazy in bed, not waking up till 11am, eating chocolate all day and watching TV.

But, this last year hasn’t all been about work and college, no. This year I turned 18, I wore a beautiful dress to a massive wedding, went on days out with my family, I laughed with my friends and family. I faced my fears and went to a new college! I made loads of new friends, the only downside to that is… Christmas just got a whole lot more expensive, but that’s okay. I reconnected with old family members and took a step back into my childhood, remembering my dad and our happy memories. I bought clothes and shoes that I wouldn’t normally wear, I faced my fear and built up my confidence to do something daring. I found my passion to travel, explore and have adventures again, somewhere along the line I had lost that, but I found it again and my bucket list is growing evermore.

Posted in MyStorys

My Favourite 23 Classic Christmas Songs

Christmas is just around the corner and it wouldn’t be Christmas without the songs we all know and love at this time of year. To me, the Christmas classics will always be the best, never will I accept today’s Justin Bieber’s or Ariana Grande’s ‘Christmas’ songs to be REAL classic Christmas songs. Don’t get me wrong, I would love some new Christmas songs, but music these days is a load of crap… unless you’re Ed Sheeran.

If you want to listen to a playlist of the songs below, I have set up a Spotify Playlist just for you! You can follow the playlist and if you have premium, you can download the playlist to listen to without internet(WIFI) on the go. If you want to find the playlist, simply type in ‘lifeasshan’ or Classic Christmas ( oldies) and my playlist will come up… or you can click the link below…

So, here are my favourite Christmas songs!

  1. My Only Wish ( This Year) –
  2. Winter Wonderland – Tony Bennett
  3. It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas
  4. Fairytale of New York
  5. Driving Home For Christmas
  6. Santa Baby
  7. Happy Xmas ( War Is Over )
  8. Do They Know It’s Christmas
  9. Step Into Christmas
  10. Last Christmas
  11. All I Want For Christmas Is You
  12. Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town
  13. Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow
  14. Lonely This Christmas
  15. Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree
  16. Mistletoe & Wine
  17. Merry Christmas Everyone
  18. Never Do a Tango With an Eskimo
  19. Baby, It’s Cold Outside
  20. Christmas ( Baby Please Come Home )
  21. What If
  22. It’s Christmas Time
  23. Please Come Home For Christmas

What’s Your Favourite Christmas Song? Let me know in the comments below…

As normal.. you can Tweet me, Facebook me or Dm on Instagram, simply type in LifeAsShanx

See you tomorrow with another Christmas blog post!

Shannon x

Posted in Advice♥, MyStorys

Some things I’ve learnt while being a dog groomer

So, as I have stated in previous blog posts I am currently an apprentice dog groomer doing my level 2 in animal care. I have been at a grooming salon( well 2) for around 9 months now and I have learned a few things while working at a dog grooming salon. Here is my list:

People think I play with puppies all day

So, once I mention that I am a dog groomer I often get a lot of responses along the lines of ‘ oh that’s nice, you have a really easy job’ , ‘ why are you so tired? All you do is play with dogs all day’ and I have even heard ‘ I am in the wrong business, that must be really easy money’ . Now can I just say, before anyone agrees with any of these statements, that they are all wrong. No, my job isn’t easy, I am tired because I do a lot more then play with dogs and No, it is not an easy money making business contrary to popular believe. The last thing I do at work is play with dogs. You may see a 60 second video on dog grooming facebook pages of us playing on the floor with your pampered pooch, but that is not all we do, you see, those dogs have been washed, dried, brushed and groomed within 1 and half hours by 1 to 2 people who haven’t sat down all day and before the dog goes home they go out for a wee, and might get a treat, so for 2 minutes a dog, we can stroke them and play with them, but 2 minutes is not the same to all day. I do not play with puppies all day, If that is what I wanted to do, I’d be in the wrong profession.

People lie

Okay, something we all know, people will lie, but I have never come across this as much as I do now I have a job and deal with the public. Now, I am not saying these are massive lies, but I do not understand why people need to lie. When you tell us your poodle gets brushed daily and doesn’t need shaving, doesn’t mean anything if your dog comes in matted, it’s going to get shaved and it’s obvious you either haven’t been brushing the dog daily or brushing him correctly.   When you tell us your dog is ‘good’ and ‘doesn’t bite’ on your first visit, we believe you, but when the dogs hanging off our hand over its leg being touched, we aren’t going to believe you anymore.

Small dogs will attack you

I can tell you many stories about a small dog like a ‘fluffy and cute’ Bichon or an adorable Pomeranian that doesn’t like to be groomed and shows you their hatred for it by hanging of your fingers, hands and arms. You see, the smaller the dog, the more likely it is to have you off in 2 seconds flat. I don’t know why this is and it is not the case with every small dog, I know many well behaved smaller dogs but the percentage of aggressive small dogs is massive compared to bigger dogs. Not everyone agrees with me here but come work at my place for a couple weeks and you’ll be walking( or running) out agreeing with me.

Some days are hard

Sometimes you’ll get home and you don’t wanna go back in the next day. You’ve have probably dealt with one too many naughty dogs or rude customers and just want to give it all in. Yes, I have lied there at night and wondered why I am doing this job but I get up the next morning and I carry on like everyone else.  I love my job but sometimes I feel the need to drive into the middle of nowhere and scream my lungs out in the middle of a field, but instead I have a bath, watch Netflix, have some chocolate and get an early night.

 

Posted in Advice♥, MyStorys

How my apprenticeship is going…

If you know me, I have probably talked your ear off about apprenticeships, since I started mine, I realised how much I was missing out before by deciding to go to college after school then go on an apprenticeship.

After high school ended for me in 2014, I opted to go to a big college, with no one I knew, in a different area.Now at the time this seemed like the perfect idea for  me because I wanted to be away from where I lived and who I lived around, but I soon realised a big college like that one wasn’t for me and I backed out a lot sooner then I am proud to say. After dropping out of college, I needed somewhere new, so after a long needed break, I started looking for an apprenticeship, as I had decided this would be best for me to gain my qualifications. In college I was going professional cookery and first looked for apprenticeships in that field, no luck. After months of looking, a company got in touch with me and I found a training provider, which was much smaller and closer to home. In September 2015 I started at my new ‘mini college’ and for the next 6 months I studied for my maths and English functional skills level 2 and also gained a certificate in ’employability’ which helps you write a CV, understand the laws at work and trains you what to do during an interview for a job. In Feb 2016, I left that college with my maths and English level 2 and other certificates. I was again on the hunt for an apprenticeship, through this time I was unsure what I wanted to do anymore… did I want to go into business admin? or childcare? or cooking? or animal care? I looked on the apprenticeship site for these and found a couple I liked in different fields and applied online for them. The gov.uk apprentice site is where I applied for the apprenticeship I later got in animal care.

I started at a dog groomers in April 2016, I started with a trail week and later was given the job, I then went to the training provider for an induction. That was it, I had my apprenticeship. My apprenticeship was my first job and for 4 months at my placement I was very happy, I felt like my anxiety and depression was decreasing and I felt better with myself, I was enjoying it. I liked the people I worked with and the place I worked but things where not working out for me there, the happiness went away and I was filled with anger everyday, I didn’t enjoy it anymore, it was a nightmare every week for me and the thing I struggle with most now, is trying to think back to when the job I loved turned into a job I hated and I am still trying to figure out how to tell people about the change I made during my apprenticeship, but it was so many things, it is hard to name all the reasons why I am no longer there. The last month at my former placement was the hardest and all those little things I could deal with, become one massive issue and I couldn’t handle it anymore, I had to leave and August 2016, I was gone. What happened? My friends and family say… ‘ you seemed so happy there’.

I don’t know the ins and out of the business I worked for, I do not know what kind of person my boss was and what were her real reasons for hiring me, whether it was cheap labour as I was being paid apprentice wage or if I wasn’t cut out for that kind of business.

In the simplest terms, here is what I was struggling with while working there:

  • I wasn’t getting my breaks as they did not think I was working fast enough( can I just add that they overbooked dogs in and excepted the cleaning to be also done during this time)
  • I wasn’t getting home till 7pm, even though I finished at half 5 because I was not allowed to leave 2 minutes early to get a bus that would take me straight home(even after offering to come in earlier, plus I wasn’t getting my last 15 minute break anyway)
  • My breaks and dinners where never my own and I was always getting up to get dogs for customers and answering the phone during the only time during the day I could sit down and enjoy my dinner.
  • Talking of dinners, I wasn’t getting mine till around 2.30 – 3pm
  • I was being asked to come in on my days off, the night before(by night I mean 10pm, when I had already made plans the next day).
  • When I got home at 7pm, after having a bath, putting my uniform in the wash and cooking my tea, it was time to go to bed for work the next day, I was so tired my last month, I was constantly drinking energy drinks( which aren’t good for my anxiety but I had no choice).

After I had left my former placement, one of the girls, whom I thought was my friend started putting things on social media, calling me selfish, a loser and other colourful things, I was at this point(before seeing these) debating going back to this placement if my tutor at college could resolve some of the issues there, but after this I was sure I did not want to go back to that place, with them girls. For a couple weeks I didn’t know what I was going to do about my apprenticeship, luckily my assessor at my college helped me through the process of finding a new placement, one nearer to home, one where I would be happy. That is when I heard about a dog grooming salon nearer to home, 15 minutes away infact. It all happened within a week, I called the manager Monday, went in for an interview Tuesday,in college Wednesday and started working at this new place on Thursday, I was relieved, I had a place again.

I have been at my new placement for around 5 weeks now and I am so much happier. I feel like the people I work with know what they are doing in regards to running a business. It takes me 15 minutes to get home( 5 minutes on a non busy bus and 10 minutes walking from the bus stop). The environment is very different, it’s the kind of place I feel like I fit in, the kind of place I need to be at, not at all like my old placement. My assessor recently came out to assess me and everything is going well and the bonus is I don’t have to start my course again, so I am not behind. I have no settled into college again(after the summer break and new people starting) and settled into my job at my placement.

I do believe that change is good and sometimes change is a much needed thing. I know I needed a change and even though it was scary, I am happier because of the change.

 

 

 

Posted in MyStorys, Uncategorized

I’m Not Over it… Or Am I?

Every time I tell my friends that I’m okay and I’m passed it, I hate myself a little for lying. I don’t know what to say to the people closest to me anymore, they are so concerned and want me to move on, but it’s not that easy. I wish it was easy to tell them the truth, that I still cry when I hear that one song or that I spend my spare time going over memories in my head. My mind is filled with ‘what if’ scenarios, what if it had gone this way, what if that never happened, what if I said something different. What happened wasn’t down to me, so why do I feel so guilty. I know there is nothing I could have said or done to change the situation and I wasn’t going to change who I am to save a relationship that wouldn’t have worked anyway.

It’s been hard these last couple months, I keep telling myself that my feelings are normal and will go away with time, but sometimes I feel like the intense pain I am feeling will never go away. I don’t know what to say to people when they ask about him, I do not hate him but I do not like him either, he hurt me, so much. I want to believe he’s out there changing his life, but I don’t think that’s the case. I wish he’d understand where he’s going with his life, the drugs, the drinking and the lying, soon he’s going to lose more than the people that care about him. I wish I could understand this feeling, it isn’t just one feeling, it’s so many. I am so angry at him for all those things he said and all those times he let me down. I am sad that someone I cared about so much, hurt me the way he has and I also feel conflicted. Off course, I would love to kick him in the balls and give him a mouthful, but I also kind of miss him, the old him, the nice, humble him, not the lad he’s turned into.

I keep reliving our memories in my head, late at night when I can’t sleep. Sometimes thinking about him, makes me tear up. I am pretty sure I know what caused the mess between us, but I keep wondering if something had gone differently in the past, would our friendship have worked? I guess we’ll never know. The pain I feel losing a friend is sharp and heavy, I hate losing someone close to me and I am still not over this friendship breakup. It’s weird that other friendship-breakups never hit me as hard as this one, maybe I will never be able to get over this one! Was it that we was ‘too close’ or because he changed? Maybe it was because of my anxiety and depression, here I go with the ‘maybes’ again.

When you have known someone for so long, when you have been through so much while they have been in your life, it’s hard not to be hurt when that person isn’t there anymore. It hurts to not have him as a friend but what he’s doing to his body hurts me more. I am not the ‘get jealous’ of course I get unhappy and sad when someone hurts me, but I don’t feel jealous, I just feel sad and heavy-hearted that someone I used to talk to every day about everything is no longer in my life. I have so many amazing people in my life, loyal, caring friends who listen to my rants and comfort me when I’m sad, recently I’ve had the opportunity to meet so many new people and make so many new friends, some of who I can talk about anything too, but for some reason, talking to him about all these things had a different feeling to it. I get a job or pass an exam and I have the urge to tell him but he’s not there anymore and when I tell my other friends and family members, they say ‘well done’, ‘I’m proud of you’ and ‘congrats’, why do I feel like I need to hear those words from the one person who only had horrible things to say about me? I have moved on in so many ways, but there is always going to be this lingering feeling when I think about him, it’s not love, it’s not anger, it’s something different, something I cannot name.

I am healing, in fact, I started this last year and never finished what I had to say, but now I have a clearer mind. I have been through hell these last 4 years, losing my dad, being in an abusive relationship, being bullied for my past, suicide attempts and dealing with having a mental illness – depression and anxiety. I finally feel like I’m settling into the life I haven’t been able to live these last few years. I am feeling happier and more confident, every week that goes by, I have an apprenticeship and I am building a future for myself, I am doing good. Really good. Funny how when I started this post, I was so unhappy and felt so alone and now, I’m smiling more and crying less. That’s a win in my books. I’ve waited 4 years to say ‘I’m Happy’ and mean it. I’m happy. I’m not alone. I’m smiling. I’ve changed in so many ways but I’m me again, finally.

 

 

 

Posted in Advice♥, MyStorys, Q&AS, Uncategorized

Let’s Talk About Sex | Peer Pressure

Peer pressure and sex have been a massive problem for many years now. There are a couple different types of peer pressure. See the table below from the NHS site for a little more information.

obvious peer pressure “Everyone’s doing it, so should you.”
underhand peer pressure “You’re a virgin, you wouldn’t understand.”
controlling peer pressure “You would do it if you loved me.”

When it comes to sex, peer pressure can play a big part in someone’s first sexual experience. Peer pressure could come not just from your boyfriend or girlfriend but sometimes your friends as well. When someone is pressuring you into doing something you are not 100% comfortable with, it’s hard, it’s not easy to say how you really feel. You feel like you’re disappointing them or worried that they won’t like you anymore if you do not do what they are ready to do.

One of the most important things I tell people is that you can always say no. If you’re not ready to do something or do not want to, you have the right to say no, you need to remember you are not obliged to do anything. Sex should be something you do, not because they want you to do it, but because you want to do it. If you feel like you want to wait or that you do not want to do it, be clear with the person you are talking about having sex with, let them know how you feel, do not go ahead with having sex with them if you’re not 100% comfortable and happy to do that.

In a world, where it feels like everyone your age is having sex, it can be hard to separate your feelings, your mind is telling you ‘I think you’re ready because everyone else your age is having sex’ but also saying ‘ I don’t think I am ready even know everyone else my age is having sex’. Now, I can you, some of those people who claim to be having sex, are not. They are simply lying because they want people to think they are having sex or maybe they’re been pressured. Some are having sex, I was on those, I lost my virginity while still in high school, but not because everyone else was. Unfortunately, some of those who are currently having sex, don’t feel 100% about doing it.

Sex comes with many adult responsibilities, it is important that you know everything you need to know about sex and all things that come with sex. Knowing you are ready to have sex isn’t just about a feeling or an age(of consent), it’s also about being aware of what sex is. Once you know all you need to know about having sex, you’ll be one step closer to being ready.  Make sure you have someone to talk to about sex, whether that’s a parent, family member, friend, teacher or in an online chat( in a REAL, helpful chatroom/private chatroom, like Kooth or Childline), you can use these legit sites to talk to real professionals about sex, birth control, pregnancies and STD’s with no judgement and they won’t tell your parents ( they legally can’t, unless you’re in physical danger or they think you’re going to hurt someone, which does not apply here as you will only be asking for sex advice). Also, make sure you know about what contraceptives there are out there and where you can get them, make sure you know how to practice safe sex, to prevent pregnancies and STD’s. The last thing I can say here, is make sure you have spoken to your partner about their sexual history( I do not mean prey on who they have slept with, I mean ask them when they last got checked and if you feel like it’s necessary, ask them if they will go and get tested, if they won’t, you can’t make them, but it is your choice whether you decide to sleep with them or not). Remember, every time you have sex, whether you use birth control or not, there is always a chance of STD’s or pregnancy. It is important to practice safe sex and know who you are sleeping with.

Weirdly, not all peer pressure comes from friends at school, it can also come from parents. Parents like to think they know best all the time and I have to tell you, that’s not true, yes most parents know how to bring up their children but sometimes they can take a little too much control of their children’s lives. Most parents don’t like to think about their children having sex( I know my dad would have went mad if he found out I was having sex, when he was here), but it is something that is happening and it is completely normal. Some parents tell their children about sex and give them the best start in life. Unfortunately, some tell their children not to have sex, others avoid the subject, hoping their children won’t have sex because they haven’t spoke to them about sex.

My biggest issue with not telling children about sex is that they are going to have sex whether parents tell them about sex, birth control and std’s but these parents assume that their children won’t have sex because they haven’t spoke to them about it, that’s not true, not talking to teens about sex is wrong, if you don’t give them the right information, they are going to and ask their friends who might give them the wrong information, or even worse, they might not ask anyone and just go have sex without knowledge of std’s or birth control. Telling your child they cannot have sex; isn’t going to change anything, these are the children who are going to sneak out and do it behind your back. Have you ever heard the saying ‘strict parents equal sneaky children’. If you are open to your teens and treat them like adults when it comes to sex, they might treat you like equals when it comes to talking to you about sex. My mum always brought me up to tell her about things going in my life, now I didn’t go and tell her every detail, even she didn’t want to hear every detail but she always taught me to open with her, and she’s never judged me for anything, including having sex. I have told her who I have had sex with and I thought at one point she’d be angry with me but she wasn’t, luckily I have a pretty amazing mum and I’m lucky to have her, as I know not all parents are like her. Trust me I know, I had complete opposite parents, they tried to bring me up 2 different ways and as much I love my dad, and have some his family’s traits, I followed my mums way of life. Moral of the story, your parents aren’t in control of your sex life, so if you are of change of consent ( 16 in the UK, although I am not going to lie, I started having sex before I was 16) and know all about sex and the responsibilities, then it’s up to you when and who(with) you start having sex.

If someone is pressuring you into anything including sex, please remember you can say NO, you have a choice. Remember never to pressure anyone who clearly doesn’t want to do something, into doing what you want them to do, it’s wrong. You also do not have to tell anyone about your sex life, if they ask how many people you have slept with etc, you do not have to answer unless you want to. No one is alone, so do not feel like you are, peer pressure affects a lot of people and in my opinion, a form of bullying, so don’t stand for it!

 

Posted in Advice♥, MyStorys, Q&AS

Let’s Talk About Sex! – Introduction

Hello, it’s been a long time since I last posted on this site and I would just like to quickly say sorry for not posting on here, I have been focusing on my new blog ‘creations and cravings’ which is a food blog, but I am back! I promise to be more active here from now on.

Today, I decided to start a new series on my blog called ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’. As you already know, I am a very open person, I was brought up in a house that was very open about things such as sex. I have previously stated on this site that I have had sex before, but never really went into detail, so over this new series on my blog, I will be answering questions relating to sex. I will be talking about sex, virginity, contraceptives and many other things.  

First things first, I am no expert, I am a teenage girl who has only been having sex for around 2 years. I am certainly no professional. Secondly, everything I talk about is my opinion and based on my own experiences and thirdly, these blog posts are been written for the purpose of educating people about sex and sharing my stories and views on the subject, if you believe you are too young to read these posts or don’t want to read about sex, stop reading now. I have many other posts that are ‘child-friendly’. These posts are for mature teenagers and adults, who want to read about sex and I do not need mean comments about how it is inappropriate for younger readers. I will be posting these posts in no routine, one week you may get 2 blog posts, next week you may only get one. If you have any questions relating to the subject, please feel free to tweet me, DM me or leave a comment below. It will be answered on here, anonymously.

Okay, so for the first installment, I want to talk about sex, I want to talk about how we think and talk about sex. If you feel like talking about sex is wrong, you need to get out of that mindset, sex if normal, I don’t care what part of the world you live in or what kind of household you grow up in, sex is normal, say it, say sex is normal, if you believe it isn’t you are never going to have a fulfilling sex life, it is impossible to enjoy and seek pleasure from something you feel is wrong and bad. For a couple minutes, I want you to forget the teachers at school and parents who told you that sex is wrong, I am telling you it’s a natural human thing.

Now before we move on, it is important to know the difference between ‘natural’ sex and the sex that isn’t. Yes, I did say sex is natural, but there are times when sex is made into a crime. I am talking about non-consensual sex. I am a strong believer that children and teenagers don’t just need to learn about puberty and contraceptives, but they also need to learn about consent, about what is wrong when it comes to sex, so many children fall victim to child abuse and sexual assault, because they are unaware that what is happening to them is wrong, because no-one’s told them what’s happening is not right. Yes, it’s not a nice subject to talk about, but what’s worse if a child or teenager going through abuse, alone and scared, unaware that they have rights when it comes to sex. Maybe, you can prevent teenagers pressuring other teenagers, like their girlfriend/boyfriends to have sex, by telling them at a young age that it is wrong to force someone to do something they are unready to do.

When having sex for the first time, or the 50th or 150th time, it is okay to say NO, it’s okay to say you’re NOT READY and it’s even okay to say ‘I DO NOT WANT TO’. Whether you are a girl or boy, these words are okay to say, I never want anyone to feel like they can’t say these words. I don’t care if you are in the middle of having sex, if you want to stop, say the word, you are not obligated to have sex with anyone. If you’re thinking about having sex, you need to be aware that you can say NO. I also don’t want people confusing peer pressure with being ready if you have friends or a partner that are pressuring you to do anything… let them go. NOW. Pressuring someone to do anything is disgusting and I cannot stand people like this. I have friends who had sex and others who haven’t, but I cannot imagine ever pressuring them to have sex, just because I have. Have sex when you are ready to, not when they are, everyone is different. You’re normal if you want to have sex or are having sex and you’re normal if you aren’t having sex. Remember this, when thinking about having sex.

Back to what I was saying, before I went off on one of my tangents… Talking about sex is a normal, natural thing. Whether you talk about it with your friends, parents, family member, doctor or someone like me, online ( I mean someone who has an advice blog, not same random person on the internet! REMEMBER, be careful on the internet, I will talk about sex and the internet in another post). I feel that talking about sex before having it is important, you may have questions about sex and there are people out there with legitimate, helpful answers. So, in light of this being my first blog post in my new series ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ I thought I would answer an FAQ about ‘thinking about sex’

  • How painful is sex the first time?

It depends, for me personally, it hurt like hell, it was a horrible first experience, but everyone is different. It depends on lots of different things, firstly, his size matters, if he is bigger than average(like the boy I first had sex with) then it may hurt more. Some girls find that they did not bleed or feel any pain at all, some say there was little blood and it was a little bit painful. To avoid some of the pain, be in a comfortable setting, like your bedroom, use lube or a condom for ease and take it slow and steady.

  • Is sex fun/enjoyable?

Yes, sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable, although it may not be a first, it should become enjoyable and fun after a couple of times. Don’t be scared to talk to the person you are having sex with about what you do and do not enjoy, to maximise your enjoyment while having sex, they say communication is key, the same applies when it comes to sex, talk to your partner about the sex, while having sex, let them know what you like and don’t like and vice visa. If sex isn’t fun and enjoyable for you then something needs to change in the bedroom!

  • I want to start using birth control but I don’t want to tell my parents I’m having sex.

Unfortunately, not all parents are like my mum, some do not like the idea that their children are having sex, they think that if they do not talk about sex or contraceptives that their children won’t have sex, but that is a big mistake made by so many parents, not talking about sex doesn’t change your children having sex, they are still going to have sex, they are just going to be less informed and end up catching an STD or getting pregnant. ADULTS TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN/TEENS ABOUT SEX! ( I am talking about UK laws) If you are unsure what your laws for sex, contraceptives etc are in your country, use google to research. In the UK, you can go the doctors alone or with a friend and go on birth control, without your parents ever finding out, as the doctor cannot legally tell anyone about it, unless you are in danger or they believe you are putting someone in danger, by going on birth control, you are not doing either of those things, so you’re okay! There are many forms of birth control given by the doctors, but if you are too worried to go the doctors, buying condoms might be a better option. You can get them free at certain clinics in the UK. Another option is to ask a family member to go with you if you feel you want an adult with you. Aunties, uncles and cousins may be more understanding than your parents.

  • How do I talk to my boyfriend/girlfriend about contraceptives?

Do not have sex until you two have spoken about contraceptives, staying protected when having sex is so important, there are so many STD’s out there and so many unwanted pregnancies, that not talking about this is a stupid mistake. Maybe it’s a little weird to talk face-to-face about it, okay, text them? Ask them if they are using any form of birth control and make sure to ask them before having sex, if they have condoms. It is not just the man’s job to carry condoms, so girls, make sure if you’re sexually active, you have a some on hand.

If you are thinking about going on the pill, I do have a blog post about the pros and cons of birth control, as I said I will have a ‘Let’s talk about sex’ post up soon all about contraceptives, but this one is all about the pill  – https://lifeasshan.wordpress.com/2015/01/07/proscons-being-on-the-pill/

So, before you go out and have sex, remember these few things:

  • Make sure you are ready
  • Make sure you are either on birth control/ have condoms
  • Make sure you are comfortable talking about sex before committing to having it.
  • Know that there is someone you can talk to about sex
  • If you feel like someone if taking advantage of you sexually, tell someone.
  • Ask questions if you have any

 

I will see you soon with another blog post on ‘Let’s talk about sex’. It should be up within the next week, if you have any questions, you can comment below or DM on twitter – LifeAsShanx, just follow me, wait for me to follow you back and send a message :). 

Shannon x