My boss once told me she doesn’t hate, she doesn’t like certain people but she simply just doesnt hate anyone. How do you do that? I asked one day while talking about past relationship’s and abusive partners. I don’t know how she does it, maybe its my age, maybe its my past but how can’t you hate at least one person in this world when its full of nasty disgusting people. I should see the good in people right? Because I’m young and naive but I’m not naive and I may only be 18 but my mind is years ahead, about 20 years ahead. So why, unlike my boss can’t I get over something or someone enough to let go of the hate. I think its because the pain is still raw, its only been 4 years since “B” hurt me, only 3 since my dad died and only 2 since another took all my trust for anyone away. I used to be this hurt little girl but for years I’ve known I need to be tougher and stronger and the last year I have gained confidence and strength, the kind of things I needed to be this person who takes no shit from people and doesn’t let people walk all over me. I stand up for what I believe in and tell my opinions because Im not some silly little girl, I like to be challenged and I love to learn and listen and be there for people. I sound like a 18 year old young girl but if you really listen to what I’m saying, you would think I wasa 60 year old who had seen the world and lived through it all. But I’m just me. I do hold a grunge to those who hurt me but they don’t scare me and I wont put my head down when they go past, I’m someone who’s still learning who I am and what my purpose is but I’m also that someone that found a reason to keep living even after being in the darkest of places! I don’t think its immature to hate, I just still hold the pain of what these people did close to my chest and maybe that will go away some day, that grip on the hatred I have for them, maybe it will loosen and fly away one day. Maybe it never will.
We don’t really know anyone do we? Correction, I don’t really know anyone. How do these people do it? They have friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers, sisters and parents that they understand, they get them, they’re like them. But I don’t feel connected like these people do, to anyone I know. I have friends who read this blog, I have a boyfriend who reads this blog, yet I am writing about how I don’t feel connected to them and that sounds bad but, well I guess it is. The truth is, I spent most of my teen years lying, lying to save myself the real heartache that was my life, the pain and suffering I caused myself by doing that in high school was my own fault, but since I turned a teenager I haven’t been able to connect to anyone. Yes, I have friends and I care about them and we do have things in common like TV shows, music and fashion but those are artificial things, those are normal things that make 2 people friends. But what about those things that make me, me? I have had a shitty life. Not the worst, but not the best, it was just shitty. How do you find someone out there that not only understands you but knows what you’ve been through, maybe its down to trust, but I don’t have any of that either. I don’t trust people around me, I don’t trust that they really care or that they are genuine towards me. I don’t trust myself to fall in love, because I cannot control that outcome, I don’t trust myself to believe in something, I never have been able to fully trust anyone. Why? Well that’s a good question. I would say it was because of my abusive ex boyfriend who did what he wanted to me even when I said no, even when I shouted no. Or maybe it was my best friend who broke my heart, I believed him, just like I believed my ex and it didn’t turn out well, actually it turned out really, really badly. Or it could be that I was bullied in my last years of school, those girls, those lads they tore me down, they made me feel like I was not worth even being here, and I nearly let them win, but I am here writing this post so, they didn’t win, but neither did I.
What is it going to take for me to trust someone, not just say I trust them and lie through my teeth yet again but really trust them. What is it going to take for me to say ‘I Love You’ and mean it and who will it be too. Who is going to be that person who makes me feel like I don’t need to hide behind my own wall I put up when I was a scared 10 year old girl.
When I was 10, my stepdad used to hit me, he would be drunk and pissed off and I would get the business end of his fist, in my face.
When I was 14, I was raped and abused by my ‘Boyfriend’ at the time. I believed him when he said he loved me and he was sorry. I was 14.
When I was 15, my dad died of cancer, months later I wanted to die as well.
When I was 16, I finished high school after 2 years of being bullied and talked about behind my back. I never want to go back there.
When I was 18, I went on anti-depressants. They help, but they don’t take all the pain away.
How to have a perfect day at Chester Zoo or what I like to call it ‘How to have a day out without loosing two children on the travel through Liverpool City Centre or while at Chester Zoo.
I made it a task at the start of the year, that this year was going to filled with things I want to do but never got around to because; I didn’t have time too, didn’t have money too or was too scared to . So, I decided to ask my step mum if she could bring my sisters down( from the lakes) so I could take them on a day out alone, something I have never done before. Yes, I take them out when I see them but not on a day out alone. My sisters have been many places, like me they are lucky in that sense, we are well travelled. However, although they have been to many zoo they had never been to Chester Zoo – a zoo I visited multiple times as a child. I got in touch with my step mum about the 11th March, as I had booked that day off and she said it was perfectly fine, so that’s when I started planning.
Now, I am not saying a trip to the zoo takes 2 weeks planning, it doesn’t. I just couldn’t wait to plan the trip so I started at the start of March… okay, okay the end of February.
I cannot stress enough how planning the trip is so important. I don’t drive, at least not yet, so I had to find a means of transport that was reasonable in price and quick for the girls as I didn’t want us on a bus or train for hours before and after the zoo.
Plan your transport.
If you are travelling by car, make sure you can park somewhere and how much it will be ( I know that Chester Zoo does have free parking at the moment). You also need to know the route from your home and work out what time you should leave to get there at opening time – 10am.
If you are travelling by train or bus, you need to find out where the train and buses leave from and what time they leave, as well as prices for everyone.
- I took a train with the girls into Liverpool Central, where we met my friend who was coming with us. We then had breakfast and walked over to the right bus stop and waited for the X8 going to Chester Zoo.
- Trains, including a return for the girls cost £1.90 each. Mine cost £3.60. All together it cost me £7.40 for train tickets to central and back. The train left 7.36am.
- Buses including a return (I got the group mega day ride) cost £4 for me and £4 each for both the girls, this works out at £2 each way for adults and £1 each way for the children. The bus left at 8.28am.
We got to the Zoo for 9.45am, the zoo opens at 10am.
Food, Drinks And Snacks.
For breakfast, I decided to start the day off with a McDonalds breakfast, as that’s a treat for me and my friend as well as the girls. We ordered pancakes. We got our breakfast after getting off the train, before the bus, that is why we left on the early train from Hunts Cross.
We opted for a picnic type dinner. I bought all the food prior to the visit, the fresh stuff was purchased the day before the trip and the others through the week before the trip. I took a lot of snacks for the girls including
- Ham, Chicken and Cheese Bite size sandwich’s
- Mini sausage rolls
- Fruit Shoots
- Water Bottles
- Homemade cookies(made the night before with the girls)
- Snack Attacks
- Crisp Packets
I prepared the food the night before the trip and me and my friend shared the food between our 2 bags.
For tea, we went for a meal on the way home in Liverpool City Centre, although most people will decide to go home after a long day at Chester Zoo we thought we would end it with a meal.
My youngest sister ate the most food.
I ordered our tickets online for Chester Zoo the night before but you can buy them until 9.30am on the day. I paid £18.18 for my ticket (student) and £16.36 each for the girls. I also got all day monorail pass’s for us which come to £10 (£4 for me and £3 each for girls). It all come to £60.90
Luggage and Bags
Chester Zoo has lockers! We paid £6 for a large locker at the start of the day we stored our bags and the food for the day while we went around the zoo, we used the monorail to come back to the lockers later for the food. This way we didn’t have to carry anything with us except my phone for pictures and my purse in case the girls wanted anything along the way.
At The Zoo
While at the zoo you have to think about what’s best for the girls. We opted to turn right when we went into the zoo meaning we would go around and half way through get the monorail back for food. We then did the other half of the zoo after eating. The girls had breaks from walking throughout the day, we sat down next to a play area so they could either go and play or sit down for a bit – I bet you can guess what they opted for. We used the monorail to cut down on the walking as well. The girls saw all the animals and got a few gifts from the gift shop before we left at half 3 for our bus home.
All in all, we had an amazing day and all the planning turned out to be a massive help.
***disclaimer*** – All images used are not mine, to find them search ‘Chester Zoo’.
I have been known to get obsessed pretty easily, not in a totally creepy ‘Crazy Derek’ From OTH crazy, but still, a little obsessed is how I would describe my love for some things in life. I thought I would bring together is list of those things for this weeks blog post!
Since receiving the MODEL CO BLUSH in the monthly beauty box from LOOKFANTASTIC, I haven’t worn another blusher. You get a lovely colour that lasts all day. It doesn’t look cakey when applied or go patchy during the day. All in all, it’s a lovely blusher.
BUY THE MODEL CO BLUSH HERE! – https://www.modelcocosmetics.com/shop/blush-cheek-powder
The Tattoo Colours from Maybelline New York have become one of my favourite things to use when doing my eyeshadow. Each pot contains a creamy eyeshadow that you can apply with a brush or by using your finger. They are quick and easy to use, which is a bonus for me when I only have 30 minutes to do my makeup in the morning. I have 5 at the moment, mostly neutral colours(purple and blues are a bit out there for me personally!). As well as being easy and quick to apply each pot is less then £5 in Superdrug and Boots stores!! Oh and they last all day.. win, win.
BUY THE TATTOO COLOURS HERE! –https://www.maybelline.co.uk/eyes/eye-shadow/color-tattoo-gel-shadow/creamy-beige
I live for a good lip balm, maybe that sounded quite sad, but there is no room in my life for chapped lips and its that time of year, you step out your house and you just want to turn around, go back inside and wrap yourself in 10 blankets because it’s that cold. You need to keep your lips moisturized as well! I received these 2 lip balms in the November and December Beauty Box from LOOKFANTASIC. The BEE GOOD Vanilla and Honey Lip Balm helps to soothe my lips after a day exposed to the cold and the POLAAR Lip Balm is highly moisturising
BUY THE BEE GOOD LIP BALM HERE! – https://www.lookfantastic.com/bee-good-vanilla-and-honey-lip-balm-10ml/11266147.html
BUY THE POLAAR LIP BALM GIFTSET HERE! – https://www.lookfantastic.com/polaar-the-genuine-lapland-cream-gift-set/11176920.html
I got the NO7 Day and Night Creams as part of a NO7 giftset for Christmas and have nearly finished these. They work really well under makeup and give plenty of moister to me dry skin.
I swear by the Biore – free your pore, DEEP PORE CHARCOAL CLEANSER. After years of trying to find a product that actually helps defeat spots and blackheads, I come away this product, I thought ‘ I bet it’s just like the others, it will just make my skin worse’ but I was wrong. For less then £5 you’re getting an amazing product, I am sure there are better out there but why pay more for something that does the same job right? This is my 3rd bottle of this cleanser and I am sure I will be buying many more.
BUY THE BIORE CLEANSER HERE – http://www.tesco.com/groceries/product/details/?id=287840862&gclid=CNmp-MDMi9ICFQY4GQodpxkH9g&gclsrc=ds
Again, the NO7 Perfecting Body Polish was part of a giftset but since using it I have feel in love, although the product had barely no smell, my skin is left smooth and fresh after using it in the bath.
BUY THE BODY POLISH HERE – http://www.boots.com/no7-beautiful-skin-perfecting-body-polish?storeId=11352&catalogId=28501
Hair Oil! It appears from making this blog post that I don’t seem to buy many products as this is yet another product gifted or given in my beauty box. Since getting the Mythic Oil I have been using 2 pumps every time I get of the bath. It leaves your hair look silky and feeling soft.
BUY THE MYTHIC OIL HERE – https://www.lookfantastic.com/l-oreal-professional-mythic-oil-original-oil-100ml/11164053.html
BOOKS, MUSIC, MOVIES AND TV
I have been listening to a lot of different things on Spotify lately. From Ed Sheeran and Maria Mena to pop punk playlists and playlists to my favourite tv shows like the fosters and OTH.
LISTEN HERE – https://www.spotify.com/uk/
Anything 80’s. 80 movies have already been a firm favourite with me. The Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink, Sixteen Candles and Ferris Bullers day off.
TV!! YES SOMETHING I AM OBSESSED WITH
Want a new show to watch? Check out my blog post on my top TV shows
Here is a quick list
- THE FOSTERS
- ONE TREE HILL
- GILMORE GIRLS
- 2 BROKE GIRLS
- BROOKLYN NINE NINE
- NCIS(Tony and Ziva seasons)
- LAW AND ORDER SVU
Reading is dreaming with open eyes
Want to laugh and cry – READ ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES. You’ll take a journey coming back from that book.
These 4 books are amazing and worth the read. All these books have the romance genre, BUT, other stories and lessons are between the lines.
So, your obsessions? Comment Below…
I can hate a person, hate them to the point that I don’t want to see them happy, it’s something I have developed in resent years and it’s not one of my finest qualities however is serves a purpose to me. My hatred for Donald Trump however, is more then just a dislike or hatred its a complete loathing. It’s been 3 months since America voted in Donald Trump to be the next president of the USA. Now, when I heard this news early on the 9th of November last year, I thought it was a joke, I found myself repeating ‘ oh my god I can’t believe he was voted in’ over and over all day at work. How? How did this happen? How could we allow a racist and sexist man to run one of the biggest countries in the world?! I am still confused and lost as to how this happened. This man is all for gun crime, he doesn’t care about woman’s rights, in fact he doesn’t care about anyone’s rights. Many women protested for women’s rights a couple of weeks ago and now, people are protesting against this disgusting ‘Muslim ban’ but is it enough? This man doesn’t listen to others, he doesn’t care what we have to say and every time I read about this man, I personally want to get a gun and shot him myself. He’s a joke, an utter joke.
CNN is a REAL news channel, trump. Maybe you don’t like that they report the truth about you, but that doesn’t mean they’re fake. It means you’re an ASSHOLE and they’re just reporting the facts.
No, you can’t grab a women by the pussy, because that’s sexual assault and it’s illegal.
All your wives have been foreigners, so please explain how ‘banning’ anyone who isn’t from America is going to help you, what will you do when this one leaves you? I can’t imagine any self respecting women from America will marry you.
Do you have a uterus Trump? Thought not, so what makes you think you are in control of a women’s reproductive organs? You aren’t just cutting funds for abortion, you’re cutting fund for breast cancer tests, pap smears and contraceptives.
You shouldn’t have the power you have over others. You don’t have the power over women and I would sooner go to prison or die before you tell women what to do with their body and their life.
When I was 13 I was adamant that at 16 I was going to get a job in America and move to New York. At 13, the idea of moving to another country was exciting, considering I didn’t have the best home life. However, at 13, I didn’t realize how hard it actually is to move to another country, let alone another continent. TV Shows like friends made me want to be apart of the city life in New York, bearing in mind I don’t even like the city, I am a countryside and seaside kind of girl. Half my wall was covered with pictures of New York and I knew one too many facts about the city, I guess my fantasy of jet setting off to another country came from the fact that running away from my life at the time was all I wanted. I didn’t need to go to New York, I didn’t need to leave the country I live in, I just knew I needed to get away. I could use the excuse that I didn’t leave home at 16 on the fact that I didn’t have money, but if I really wanted to leave, I would find a way. Over the last 4 years I have grown, I have become stronger and a lot of things and people have got my through the hard times but I do credit myself a great deal for dealing with my issues. I could never sit here and say that I am the strongest because that’s not true, I still have moments of weakness now.
I don’t want to die, I did. I wanted to die, I didn’t want to live in a world without my dad, I didn’t want to live in a world where I couldn’t trust men, I didn’t want to have nightmares that he was hurting me again, I didn’t want to get hurt again. I won’t lie about my past, I did go through a dark period in my life, one where I didn’t see a way out, it was horrible mainly because I didn’t know if I would ever get out of it and to this day I still worry that I am going to go back into one of those phases again and it terrifies me, I don’t want to be that scared, lonely girl I was, I have to just hope I am strong enough to deal with whatever comes at me. A couple years ago, I started getting over my dark phase but one thing that still carries with me from those days are my scars and the urge to hurt myself again. I started using self harm as a way to cope, it wasn’t about killing myself anymore, it become my way of dealing with a hard time in my life. I would turn to cutting myself to make myself feel better and too me that was more, is more scary then cutting my wrists to kill myself because like I said I don’t want to die, I just have gotten used to using self harm as a way of dealing with my pain. Why? I guess its a couple reasons. I blame myself, I blame myself for my past, I blame myself for my pain and the only way I can think of punishing myself is by hurting myself and causing myself pain. Luckily, I stopped. I stopped using self harm as a way of dealing with my pain, instead I started to do other things, like writing and drawing, I distract myself with other things but it doesn’t always work.
It’s like a drug, an addiction. Whenever I am feeling stressed, sad or angry my first thought is to break something and hurt myself with the glass, I rub my wrists, I stand and I cry and I think, I spend so long standing there trying to stop myself. It’s an urge to relieve the pain in my own way that I have used to years but I can’t, I can’t do that to my friends, my family, anyone in my life, I can’t hurt them anymore and its the only thing that stops me from hurting myself.
Why can’t I have use fantasies like moving to New York to deal with my pain, my life? Things aren’t as easy as it was when I was 13, 14, 15, 16, its different, its harder. I need to find a way of dealing with this pain that still can burden me to this day because I have a good life and amazing people in it, I can’t afford to lose any of it, not after I have come so far.
No, I no longer hurt myself
No, I haven’t attempted to kill myself in over a year
No, I don’t want to die
No, I no longer use self harm as a way to deal with my pain
Yes, I still think about suicide and self harm, I have my scars as a constant reminder
Please tell someone how you feel, you deserve to want to live as well.
Samaritans (116 123) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Childline (0800 1111) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won’t show up on your phone bill.
PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It doesn’t have a helpline, but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information.
Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts.
Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying.
Does anyone else get this feeling of dread when a new week starts? It isn’t that I don’t want to get up and go to work, it isn’t that have to go out and be apart of the world again, it’s something else. I want this feeling to leave and by the time I am half way through the week, it is gone but on a Monday night, when I have work the next day I get an odd feeling in my stomach. It’s like nerves mixed with dread and pain, like I just don’t want to start a new week, why I don’t know. I have a good life now, a job I really like and friends I am very close too, I have no serious issues going on and for once in a long time in my life I am finally at peace with everything and everyone around me, so what’s with this feeling? Is it because I don’t feel myself without being in pain and upset, have I not got the ability to be happy and not worry that something really bad is going to happen. Life is good right now but what if, when this week starts, something bad happens and my life is filled with pain and tears again. Maybe it’s fear, I am fearful that my life is going to be bad again. I have had such a good 2016, yeah, I have cried and screamed and been angry but hasn’t everyone at some point? I am content, I am good and I’ve gotten over so much, I haven’t wrote a blog post like this in a while simply because I have been so busy and happy with my life that I haven’t needed to but right now I am feeling fearfully lost and I don’t wanna sink even lower.
Dogs Trust alone had a 54% increase in dogs handled over during the Christmas period, with 127 unwanted dogs being given to the charity in just 2 weeks. I couldn’t be believe that over a third of these unwanted dogs were puppies. I have always favoured adoption over buying from a breeder and now that I am more involved in the dog grooming industry, it concerns me even more that charities like Dog Trusts are seeing an increase in unwanted dogs instead of a decrease. There needs to be less unwanted dogs, most of the time the sad truth is that people want a puppy or they don’t want what these centres have to offer when it comes to breeds, people are so obsessed with having a ‘cute, fluffy little dog’ that many loving and caring dogs like staff bull terriers and Greyhounds are being left at shelters and not with a loving family. But even puppies aren’t being kept long these days, as Dog Trusts alone start they were handed lots of puppies over this Christmas period.
This statement below, which I pulled from the Dogs Trust website, says everything I think is needed to say about this Christmas percentage of unwanted dogs.
Dawn Bishop, Dogs Trust Manchester Rehoming Centre Manager explains:
“After nearly 40 years highlighting our iconic slogan, “A dog is For Life, Not Just For Christmas” we hoped that this would be the Christmas message would finally sink in but it seems that, in this day and age, where puppies are readily available at the click of a button, people are still choosing to purchase a dog on impulse, without thinking about the long-term effect this will have on their life. Owners are realising that caring for a dog isn’t always an easy feat and charities like ours have to pick up the pieces when new owners decide they simply can’t give their dog the love and care it needs.”
Most people want a puppy, most want fluffy breeds like Poodles and Bichons but most of the time do not know how to look after them or their coats. People are spending upwards of £600 for cross breeds(mongrels) like Labradoodles, Golden Doodles and Cockerpoos. Why? That’s a good question because the only reason I would think as to why people are spending nearly 1,000 pound for a dog is because they want a fluffy, cute lap dog that can be used as an accessory. Why? When you could give a dog at a shelter a second chance for happiness for less then £200. Not only do you get the dog for a price drastically lower then buying from a breeder, most charities will Microchip and Vaccinate your dog for you.
This is what Dog’s Trust do for the £120 fee.
Our adoption fee is £120. ( £100 in Ballymena due to extra licence fees)
These fees help us to cover the costs of caring for over 16,000 dogs ever year. Every dog adopted from Dogs Trust is:
- Neutered (or comes with a neutering voucher if a puppy)
- Vet Checked
You will also receive four weeks’ free insurance with Pet Plan and a collar and lead as well as having a pre-adoption talk to help your dog settle in.
Once they’re at home, you’ll be able to access advice from the centre team as needed for the rest of the dog’s life.
This is Carla Lane Animals In Need fee:
We will then request a rehoming fee. Almost all our dogs are £175, all our cats are £110 and kittens are £125. This includes their neutering, vaccinations, flea & worm treatment, microchipping, identity disc (dogs only), vet health check and one months free pet insurance.
I know, I would much prefer to pay £125 to rehome a beautiful dog that needs a second chance then line the pockets of these ‘breeders’ who you buy your puppies from, because most of the time, they don’t care about dogs, they are just looking for a way to make easy and quick money. We need to put these ‘breeders’ out of business and the only way we can do that is by not giving up almost a £1,000 for mixed breed dogs that aren’t even kennel club registered. I am more then sure you can find a dog you can adore and love from an animal shelter that NEEDS a home and is sat in a kennel at a shelter just waiting for you.
Here are some dogs from shelters locally to me:
Scooby At Carla Lane Animals in Need.
Eddie At Carla Lane Animals in Need
Harry At Carla Lane Animals in Need
Charlie At Dogs Trust (LEEDS)
Ashton At Dogs Trust (LEEDS)
Bailey At Dogs Trust (Merseyside)
Fern at Dogs Trust (Merseyside)
All I have left to say about these lovely dogs is I hope they all find their forever homes very soon! I really hope that people start to see how much more amazing it is to adopt then to buy! I will see you next week with another blog post!
Did you know that 46% of households in the UK have pets? Of that 46%, 24% are dogs. That’s about 9 million dogs according to a study based in the UK in 2014. Most of us love our pets, that’s clear but what do animal rescue centres like dog trust tell us? That having a pet isn’t for everyone. The sad truth is, the percentage of abandoned dogs is rising, this is due to a lot of things including people not knowing how to look after their dogs, neglecting and abusing them and simply not wanting them anymore. I hate it. I follow most local rescues on social media and as much as I love to see a happy ending for an animal that has found its forever home, there is too many sad and heart breaking stories on these pages. To many. I wanted to help, I already help by giving money to these charities that help these animals but I also give food and old bedding to rescue centres but that doesn’t feel enough. In the past have felt like writing about it and expressing my opinion, giving my advice. Today, I have decided to do that, don’t get me wrong I am no expert but if my words can help guide someone to giving their current dogs or future dogs a better life, I am more then happy to give my advice. I wanted to start a series because there’s lots I could say and instead of saying it all one massive, boring and long blog post I thought a series would be better.
Over this series I will be talking about dogs mainly. I will be giving advice and tips on dog training, dog grooming and dog behaviour. I will be talking about the cost of having a dog, the time and effort of having a dog and the love and affection needed for a dog. I will also be talking about some of the big issues when it comes to dogs these days, like underground dog fighting, dog theft, inbreeding, puppy mills and abusive owners and the laws currently in place surrounding animals.
I hope that some people find this series beneficial and enjoy these new types of blog posts I am doing in 2017! The living with dogs series will start Sunday night with a blog post on adoption.
If you have any questions about animal care or owning a dog please contact me via Facebook, Twitter, Email or in the comment section below.
Like always, you can keep up to date on my blogging and contact me below –
Instagram – @lifeasshanx AND @tv_quotez
Twitter – @lifeasshanx