Posted in Uncategorized

A new start.

Over the last couple of years I have become more involved in world issues and one thing I can say I am is a feminist. The word feminist isn’t a bad word. Feminism is about equality and demanding equal rights. Everyone deserves the right, women, men, people from different ethnic backgrounds, different walks of life. Everyone deserves equality. Over the last two months I have started talking to new people, people online who also support the same causes that I do, who share the same beliefs. It’s empowering to talk to women like myself, who have been through the same things as me and understand and support the same organisations.

I had a friend who wasn’t as active in this community and we fought all the same, we didn’t see eye to eye, we weren’t good friends anymore. Old arguments and history are always thrown in my face, the person I was back then is always brought up. I can’t have a friend who does such immature things to ‘fire back’ while arguing. I can’t have a friend that judges me or any other women based on her sex life, dating preference or style choices. I never judged her for not doing something or doing something, yet she always did it to me. I was disgusted by the things she said to me last night, it sparked me to right a blog post about it. Out of all the things she has ever said to me – which I normally let go over my head, because maybe she doesn’t know what she’s saying or doesn’t realise how nasty is sounded to me, what she said was unforgiveable to me and that’s why I am writing this blog post. I decided its time to move on from old friends. Fair enough she doesn’t believe in the things I do, maybe it was her sheltered upbringing with a catholic family, maybe its just who she is but its not who I am, not anymore. I don’t know how we ever were close friends. Our upbringings and beliefs are completely different and its only occurred to me these last few months (since our June holiday) that we are nothing alike. I’m done babying her. I’m done letting her make snide, little comments to my face and talking about me behind my back, which she never realised I knew about. I have to let go, its not the only friendship I have had to let go of this year. It won’t be the last. I’m not hurt or bothered that we aren’t friends. I’m just pissed she said those disgusting things about her ‘friend’.

This post isn’t about slating someone, or I would have name and shamed. I blog to express my feelings and I needed to express my feelings. I can’t have friends who don’t support me. I need friends like myself. I didn’t tell her about the friends I had meet who share the same interests with me because she would just judge that as well. Some people empower you, others don’t. Be around people who support you. Don’t put up with their shit, not even for a little bit. You’ll always find friends who are like you, you just have to go out and look for them like I did, you’ll realise then how little you actually need the ones who bring you down.

Don’t put up with it. Just don’t.

Posted in Uncategorized

The closure I didn’t end up needing

Closure is a funny thing, sometimes we need it, sometimes we don’t. But what I know now is that we don’t always get it straight away. Not everything in life can simply placed in a box and have a perfectly tied bow around it. Life is messy and not everything that ends is done so cleanly. Pain, anger and confusion are normally involved. We spend a lot of time trying not to hurt the people we care about, we may tell white lies when breaking up with someone, we ‘let me down’ easy, but is that really the humane way of doing it? We tell them it’s not them or we just don’t feel the same way, we try and make them feel better when all they want is the truth. The old saying applies – ‘The truth will set you free’ and I believe that. Yes, the truth is sometimes messy and doesn’t always involve a perfectly wrapped box with a bow on top. It can end in screaming and crying, but it’s the truth and in the end, the truth is all you can give someone sometimes. Someone can never get closure without it. We avoid it though, by making up lies and saying cliché sayings like ‘we can still be friends, right?’ No-one wants to hear that, they want the truth. Why is it so hard to give someone that? We don’t want to hurt them, fair enough. But what’s hurting them is not knowing the truth, not knowing why. They don’t know who or what the reason for you walking away is. You must care about them if you don’t want them to get hurt, so consider this, by not telling someone why or what or who you are prolonging the pain, making it harder for them to get back to ‘normal’, harder for them to move on. I guess it’s only those with a conscience that care when they hurt someone.

The person whom I wanted my closure from, never really cared back then. This year though, I got that closure. I don’t think he ever expected me to get it but I did. I’ve wrote about him a dozen times on this blog, mainly because since the start of this blog, he’s been in my life. He’s the reason this blog exists. The pain and confusion was something I was used to writing about and over the years my feelings for him have ranged from anger, to pain, to confusion, to thinking I was over him to still being in pain. He’s the reason I have trust issues with men. If he could up and leave, anyone could. Right? I don’t get close to people, I just don’t want to get hurt again. It hurt a lot. To much. But despite all of that, I managed to get through it. I managed to work through a lot of pain and anger to a point were I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care what he did, where he was or who he was with. I just couldn’t care less. Some would say that was my closure, that’s true. But what felt like the real closure was seeing him again. It was self inflicted and 100% worth it.

Seeing him again triggered something that was lying low in my mind. I don’t have prove of course and my analysis is purely conjecture but, I recently found out I deal with a disorder called Bi-polar an illness that consists of episodes of mania and super depressive states. This is something I have had many years, however it can get worse after being triggered. It could be down to genes, it could be my environment or it could be down to an abusive past and or lose of a family member. I lost my dad and was abused by 2 different people. I may never know why I have this disorder, but that doesn’t matter because know I have a reason for my moods. I know why I feel this way know. Through therapy and meds I can start to get better.

But going back to what I was saying, I think he was a trigger. It heightened my illness to a point I could no longer deal and I had to get professional help. I guess I have him to thank for that. Or myself, as it was self inflicted like I said. When I saw him again I wasn’t nervous or scared. I didn’t care about looking my best or being nice to him. I was me, the girl I have been for years now. A little broken but still smiling. When he left I didn’t get the urge to message him, I messaged him but I didn’t wait for a response and I wasn’t excited when I got a reply. It was the past for me and I know I’ve said it a lot but I didn’t have any interest in him, as cruel as it sounds. But it’s not like he cared about what had gone on in my life. It wasn’t like I was a bitch when he was being nice. He was being himself, for the most part. He didn’t ask much, so neither did I. He wouldn’t know the name of my ex boyfriend, he wouldn’t know my favourite band or who my friends are. He wouldn’t know who I have a crush on or even that I write a blog. All things my friends know, he was shocked when I said we weren’t friends, but how can two people, so different be friends? How can I trust him again? How could I ever let him in again? I couldn’t. I think that’s what gave me closure in the end. That exact thing I just said, the end. It was the end. The end of a friendship, the end of the hook ups, the end of us.

I’ve said it before, said I am over it, that I don’t feel for him anymore and I was lying, but so much has happened these last few months, life changing events that will shape who I become in the future. A better, happier, healthier person I hope. The questions you have to ask your self are

Does he care about you? Does he love you? No? Leave him in the past.

Do you see him as a boyfriend, friend or someone close to you in the future? No? Leave him in the past.

It’s normal to feel hurt, its normal to hate them, its normal to not hate them. It’s okay to still love them, it’s okay to still care, give yourself the time to get over them. They may have been your best friend or your boyfriend but it will hurt less and less, just like when you lose a loved one. It won’t happen in a day, it doesn’t work like that. But it’ll happen.

Learn more about Bi Polar Disorder here! –

Find out more about Mental Health and the link with abuse(disclaimer- this blog post was not written about someone who abused me, this is simply a helpful link) –


As normal, let me know what you want to read next on twitter @lifeasshanx or Instagram @lifeasshanx

Shannon x

Posted in Uncategorized, Women; It's safe here.

It’s a period, get the fuck over it.

We are told to conceal our tampons under our sleeve while we walk to the bathroom. We are told not to talk about our periods, because we don’t want anyone to know we are on our period. We are told to say its a headache when are questioned about taking painkillers. Basically, we are told to act as if periods don’t exist. Well, I’m here to talk about why that is the completely wrong way to go.

It’s natural, I know that, hopefully you do to. You need to have a period to grow, to become a woman. So, why are we brought up to believe and think periods are disgusting and something to be ashamed of? I bleed once a month, sometimes ALOT, why is that such a big deal?

I don’t understand why a period is seen as ‘dirty’ and something a woman should shame. Where did that come from? Who was it that decided they were going to shame a woman for something completely natural and out of her control? Without periods a woman wouldn’t be able to have a child, they wouldn’t be able to ‘grow’ into woman.

Yesterday, much to my anger and shock, I received a message on snapchat from a male(whom is in his 20’s and is living with his girlfriend and her children) saying ‘Do you have to put stuff up on your story about your period’. Now, the post I put on my snapchat story was a black screen with the text ‘Period pains are killing me’, there was no image and no Emojis, just words, saying that my period pains were really hurting me. This ‘man child’ decided to message me because he was disgusted and offended that I put this on my story, now I didn’t know what to say to this message at first because I was shocked and a little pissed off to be honest. This isn’t the first time I have had a male( whom is either a friend or family member) message me TELLING me to take something down on social media. I once had an image of my legs in the bath on snapchat, now this was a racy image, everything was covered you could just see some skin from my legs under the bubbles, I was TOLD to take this picture down, I didn’t of course. I was once told I shouldn’t wear a dress that revealed my chest because ‘You look a bit like a slut’. Oh, you think I look like a slut? Well, you sound like an asshole so do me a favour and fuck off. What is it with some men thinking that can instruct me on what to wear and what I should and should not be posting on social media. What I post, as long as it doesn’t affect anyone(and by affect I mean it doesn’t hurt someone) I don’t see how its any of their business.

I don’t care if you’re my best friend, my boyfriend or a family member, I am a grown woman and I will say what I like, wear what I feel comfortable and good in and do what I please and as long as I’m not hurting anyone I don’t see why you feel your input on my life choices actually matters.

Just a word for the wise, don’t tell a grown woman what she should and shouldn’t be wearing, its her live, not yours, she’ll decide for herself, she’s more then capable of making her own life choices.

(By the way I told that lad were to go when he messaged me about my periods, I love the delete button!)

Shannon x


Posted in Uncategorized

This is how I’m feeling right now – pointless.

What am I feeling right now? They say write about what you feel right now but truthfully does anyone even want to know how I feel right now? Because I don’t have some glitter to sprinkle on this shitty situation, there is no silver lining right now, there’s no nothing right now. I can’t write a piece about staying positive and bouncing back because right now, at this very minute I wouldn’t even believe it so how am I meant to get others to believe it. I can’t be smiles and laughs all the time and some people in my life find that hard to comprehend. I can’t give anyone the ‘It’s going to be alright’ speech right now because I don’t even feel alright.

I’m lost, I’m confused, hell I’m angry. I don’t know what else to say, I have no way to solve my problems right now, I do what people tell me to do, apply for unemployment, keep yourself busy, apply for new jobs. I do it all but what do I do about my passion? I don’t want to write, I can’t find something I want to write about, I feel like writing is a big part of who I am but my feelings have ruined so much in my life so why are they going to help me now? They aren’t, that’s how I feel right now.

I’m feeling hopeless, its pointless, its the same but its different all at once and none of it makes sense, I don’t make sense, I cant barely string together a sentence right now, how am I meant to form a quality blog post? Well I can’t, so I’m offering this piece instead, a piece written by me at a moment of confusion and anger and lose. I have nothing to say right now, I don’t want to say anything right now.

That’s how I am feeling right now.


Posted in Uncategorized

Terror Won’t Win

Today I woke up to find out that Manchester was the next city to be a victim to a terror attack. Anger and confusion are among the feelings I had the moment that I found out that the bomb went off at a concert – one in which thousands of young people where. I watched the videos that played on the news, the videos that were filmed inside the venue, I wasn’t listening to the women talking over the video footage because I was engrossed and shocked by the video I was watching. The video simply showed  girls panicking, running, screaming and all I could think was, those poor girls. Imagine getting tickets to your favourite artist, telling all your friends how excited you are about going to see them, getting ready with your friends, stepping into that arena and buying merchandise, sitting in your seat, watching your favourite artist, taking selfies and videos and next minute, after an amazing night with your friends or family, a bomb goes off. You’re walking out of that arena, talking about the concert, happy and content and then that’s it, your life had changed or worse, it’s over.

When I woke up this morning, 19 people had lost their life, just like that. Another 50 were injured. When I got home from work 22 people had lost their life, or should I say 21, because that bomber, that killed 21 people, doesn’t deserve to be classed as anything other then the terrorist that took 21 people with them in their sick, twisted plan. This evening he was named – Salman Abedi. This man, this disgusting man took the life of 21 people, including an 8 year old girl…AN EIGHT YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL. Many more are missing, including teenagers. All I can do, like everyone else is hope, hope that they are okay, that they are found and are safe and okay… as okay as someone can be after such a horrible event.

I can’t stop staring at the picture on the news of the little girl who lost her life, I stare at it and I see my sister, who is also eight, I see my sisters friends, I see every eight year old girl. I don’t understand. I really don’t. This little girl was just going to see an artist she liked, she was probably told all her friends she was going, she probably wanted to buy a top, she probably was singing hours before her death. She was probably walking out that arena at half 10 at night, tired and excited at the same time. What I cant understand, what I don’t get is, how a life can just end, how someone can end a life just like that. We hear it everyday, someone killed someone else. We hear it every month, someone took multiple lives. Last night Salman Abedi took 21 lives. He put over 50 people in hospital. He left mothers, fathers, grandparents, friends and partners scared that they may not have a girlfriend, boyfriend, daughter, son, wife, husband or CHILD anymore. He made young girls and boys panic, cry and scream, he put so much fear in them. All they were doing is enjoying a concert in an arena that holds 15,000 people.

Why do they do this? When I say ‘they’ I am not talking about a whole religion or race, I am talking about the ones who twist the religion they follow and make it their own. I will never understand those people. Why? I keep asking that question. Why do they do this? I know why I some degree but I think I’ll never know fully why they do what they do. Why do they need to take all these people with them? Why do they need to take children with them? How do they think they are going to ‘Heaven’? How can they think killing people is good? How? Just how? Again by ‘they’ I mean the few that take their religion to far, unfortunately the ‘few’ is becoming many.

What do they want? Do they want the western countries to be non-existent? Are we not allowed to live our life and be happy? Cant children and teenagers go to a concert safely? Can’t people go to a Christmas market without it ending in tragedy? Can’t we all just live our life without these people taking many peoples lives and leaving others empty inside?

I won’t stop living my life. I will still go to concerts and the theatre. I will still go on holiday this year and I will go to work tomorrow. I will dress how I always have and speak the way I always have, I will be the same person because I will not let anyone – not these sick twisted extremist, win. They won’t take away my life, they won’t fill me with fear. Anger yes, Fear no.

I hope no more die, but this won’t be the last terror attack in the UK and as much as we can prepare ourselves for it, we can’t stop living our lives either, they can’t win. They won’t. Terrorists will always be around, just as extremists will and religions. We have to live with that piece of truth, but we don’t have to live in fear. We can’t live in fear.

Posted in Uncategorized

Q&A: Love & Relationship Edition

What is the ideal number of calls a couple should exchange in a day?


Would you compromise your happiness for the success of the relationship?

No, if the person I am with doesn’t make me happy, why would I be with them?

What’s your idea of a romantic vacation?

Anywhere other then the UK, that has the nice weather, culture and the ocean.

What’s the single most important thing for a relationship to be successful?


What would you define as cheating?

Kissing someone else, sleeping with someone else, or purposely flirting or leading someone on.

If someone cheated on you, would you ever forgive them?

No. Like the old saying goes ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater’. I’ve forgiven a cheater one to many times and it’s only me that gets hurt, not them, if they don’t respect you enough to tell you they aren’t happy with you, why should I give away my own self respect and forgive them.

Are you friends with any of your exes?

No, I guess some people can be but I can’t personally.

How should finances be planned between a couple?

It all depends on the person and their situation. I would keep mine separate until marriage but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t buy us lunch or pay for tickets, just as with friends, I don’t keep track of how much we ‘owe each over’ If they buy lunch, I’ll get tea. It’s simpler that way.

Do you think celebrating Valentine’s Day is corny?

I don’t like the whole ‘fancy meal and rose petals on the bed’ thing anyway, so yes, for me its corny and over hyped. Give me and my boyfriend a takeaway and the night to binge watch TV, that will be more then fine.

Do you think past relationship secrets should always be kept hidden?

No, keeping secrets like past relationships has a way of coming back and biting you in the ass most of the time. They don’t need to know everything but if you dated their Boss’s son, it should probably be out in the open, otherwise you might find yourself on the other side of the question ‘ why didn’t you tell me?’.

Do you think confessions make a relationship stronger?

Sometimes, it depends on what you’re confessing.

Is it fine for a partner to use the toilet with the door open?

Personal preference I guess, but I wouldn’t not go the toilet or stop him if one of use was in the shower or bath.

After a break up, would you ask for your gifts back/would you give back all the gifts?

I wouldn’t ask for mine back, but I would give anything expensive back or things that are his.

Describe your perfect man/woman that you would like to date.

Someone loyal and trusting. Someone who understands my sarcasm and I can have banter with. Someone who doesn’t force me to live my life a certain way but is adventurous and outgoing.

In a relationship, what would make you feel happier, sharing or sacrificing?

I feel like you do both in a relationship but sharing over sacrificing. I would rather have half of something then nothing at all.

What are some annoying habits of other couples that irritate you the most?

Full on PDA. Okay, dancing in a club, I don’t mind it, full on grinding, save for it for private please, If I wanted a free sex show, I’d go online thanks. I don’t mind couples doing their ‘cute couple’ things like kissing and holding hands, hell I do that as well but I don’t need to eating my lunch and witness two people full on making out and feeling each over up, I’m just here to eat my pasta and talk to my friends, again if I wanted a free sex show, I’d be online.

Who would you prefer as a partner, a good looking person or an extremely clever person?

Is it wrong of me to say a bit of both…?

How do you vent out your frustrations in a relationship?

I read and I write and I find a way of expressing how I feel without going completely crazy for a little misunderstanding.

Is sex about constantly pushing the boundaries or playing by the rules?

The only ‘rules’ anyone needs to follow during sex is the ‘rules’ set out by the two of you before sex. Consent is a rule, playing by the rules would be to listen to your partner, they say no, you don’t have sex, they say yes, you can have sex, its simple really. As for pushing the boundaries, if that’s something you both want, fair enough but don’t push anything on someone they don’t want to do. Everything within reason.

Would you feel insecure if he/she spent a lot of time at work?

No, I spend a lot of time at work and when I’m not at work I like to spend time with other people in my life like friends and family, as long as we don’t go all week without talking and weeks without seeing each over, I wouldn’t really be concerned.

How many sexual partners have you had in the past?

Okay, quite personal, but okay… 6.

Do you like babies/how many kids would you like to have someday?

I don’t know if I want children. I’m okay with being a big sister right now and my career is just starting, children are a distant thought, if one at all.

What kind of a parent do you think you’d be?

I think I would be like my mum and I think my mums a good one, so if I have children I aspire to be like her.

When do you think a person is ready for marriage?

You can be with someone your whole life and not get married, that’s fine. If I get married I think I would have to be 100% in it, I would have to trust him with my life and believe with everything that it was going to work out.

Would you relocate for love?

Depends on how long we have been together and how far the ‘relocating’ would be.

Would you be open to disclosing all your health issues with him/her all the time?

Well, sure. I’d mention I went the doctors but I don’t feel the need to go into detail of the smear exam.

If you’re having a bad day, would you want him/her to leave you alone or spend time with you and cheer you up?

At first I would want to be alone to calm down, have a bubble bath and a sleep then I would like him to be there if he can, to vent or to chat too.

What’s more important, sexual chemistry or spending time together?

Both. If spending time together is more important, you’re more like best friends but if its all about sexual chemistry you’re just having sex. Both equal a healthy relationship.

I’ve missed doing Q&A’S! If you want more Q&A’s let me know in the comments or tweet me – What do you want to know?

Tweet me – @lifeasshanx

Shannon x

Posted in MyStorys, Uncategorized

Grief isn’t easy to talk about.

Grief, as well as many other things that have happened in my life contributed to my depression.  There are supposed to be ‘Stages’ to grieving but I never found that of much help or comfort. I struggled with the death of my dad, I experienced every possible kind of emotion when dealing with his death. I spent so much time no believing it to be true, thinking about how this can’t be happening, it can’t be MY dad, My dad wouldn’t die of cancer, he just wouldn’t. But he did.

I was angry at myself for not spending enough time with him, I was angry at the doctors for not saving him, I was angry at the people around me for not understanding that I didn’t want to do certain things or act like myself – happy. I was confused and lost, I didn’t know what to do, what to say to people when they said ‘I’m sorry about your dad’, I started searching for closure or something to take the pain away but I couldn’t. I felt as if my heart was actually aching, like someone just punched me in the stomach five times in a row, I wasn’t myself, I was dazed. Weeks went by and I cried at his funeral and when my family spoke of how much he loved me but the real pain, the real sadness, that didn’t come for months after his death. Maybe I was avoiding it, maybe I was telling myself if I didn’t think about him or his death that I didn’t have to face it, but like anything in life, eventually you have to face the things you have been running from. When I started to feel the real pain, the hurting and the struggling kicked in, I become someone else completely, I went from being dazed and confused to utterly lost and alone in my own bubble.

They tell you you’re aren’t alone but these are the same people who told you to move on from everything, so what do they know.

The first time you are told that the person you love is no longer here, you feel sad and as if someone has just shot you in the heart but you’re alive to feel the pain. That pain, that sadness compares nothing to how it feels weeks and months later when you come to the realisation that, that person isn’t really here anymore, they won’t see another birthday or Christmas, they won’t congratulate you on your new job or your first baby, because they won’t be here to see any of that and once you realise that, that’s when the truly utterly painful mourning really begins, the kind that changes who you are whether that be for a couple weeks, months, years or forever.

Death changes you, whether it makes you a better person or not. I am not talking about crying into your pillow at night because you miss them, I am not talking about a sense of aloneness or of being lost. I am talking about the kind if pain in which you don’t ever think you are going to come back from, the kind of pain I felt when I lost my dad and now my auntie.

Right now I feel lost and alone yes, but I am also hurting past the point of crying into my pillow. I have a stable life, so I’m lucky I have something to fall back on when everything is feeling so bad I can’t even talk to someone, but I never always had a stable life and that’s how I almost lost mine, after my dad died. Luckily I found my way back, but right now I feel my whole existence seeping back down into the pit of nothingness and white noise.

Posted in MyStorys, TV Shows and Movies, Uncategorized

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

I was looking for something to watch one night on Amazon Prime when I happened to come across a new segment on Amazon video called ‘ Pilot Season’, curious to see what it was all about I clicked on the link and was presented with six pilots for new and upcoming TV shows that could be contracted to become series. Out of all of these shows the one that stuck out to me the most was ‘The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ a pilot about a young adult women in the 50’s, happily married with 2 children, when her life suddenly changes overnight. In this one night her husband leaves and she realizes she has a talent that had never been noticed before. After the episode ended, that was it, I couldn’t go about my normal activities of binge watching a TV show for hours on end because, like I said it was just a pilot episode. I jumped on the link to take the survey about the pilot becoming a series and let Amazon know my opinion on why this show should be a new ‘Amazon Original’.

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I can say with all honesty if you liked Gilmore Girls you’ll like this show and it may seem weird how the script seems just as fast and witty as Gilmore Girls but that’s only because the amazingly talented Amy Sherman-Palladino directed it!

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Since the cancellation of ‘Good Girls Revolt’ I have felt a little bitter towards Amazon video because why would they cancel a perfectly good show that women can enjoy, now I am not saying us girls don’t like cars and action and I do not speak for all women but I loved the show because it shown us some real history, the struggle for women while working in the 60s/70s and what life was really like. The women’s revolution didn’t end when women could vote or own property, it was still going on with work place discrimination and lower wages, this show highlighted this, it was a good show and Amazon cancelled it. So, if they want to make up for it, they need to add another show highlighting similar issues and soon, this show is it, this show is what Amazon need.

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The show is fresh, it’s new and its different. The fast pasted, witty and funny Midge is what we need, there are many amazing shows out there, but there are many boring shows out there that all do the same thing, they follow the same plots and storylines and personally I get tired and fed up with another show just like the last, but this, this is different and I am a fan of different. Maybe it’s just me but I love a show that takes us back in time, to a time that now, in 2017 you can’t believe actually existed with the extreme sexism and double standards but amazingly at the same time, you still see these things happen in the modern world, in a time that none of it should exist, the racism, sexism and homophobes should have died out a long time again but didn’t and you can watch a show and be amazed how they used to live their lives but realize, in some ways the world is still like that to some degree.

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I am not going to lie, I sat down to watch this shoe expecting good things as I had high hopes that Amy would deliver again and I was not disappointed. I loved seeing Amy’s work in this show, you could see her work through out and that fast pasted wittiness reminded me of my much beloved show ‘Gilmore Girls’. The great thing is, these 2 shows are different but if you have ever seen Gilmore Girls you’ll also see the work of Amy throughout, it’s like her brand, witty and charming, it makes this show so much better, just by her being on it. Now, this isn’t just about Amy or a strong female show, its about something new and fresh, like I said earlier something we haven’t seen before and if the TV world needs something… its something fresh, witty and different. Trust me.

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If Amazon decides to axe this show after an amazing pilot like that, its a damn shame and they are pretty stupid for doing so. Do something right Amazon, give this pilot a series.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Always Love

My boss once told me she doesn’t hate, she doesn’t like certain people but she simply just doesnt hate anyone. How do you do that? I asked one day while talking about past relationship’s and abusive partners. I don’t know how she does it, maybe its my age, maybe its my past but how can’t you hate at least one person in this world when its full of nasty disgusting people. I should see the good in people right? Because I’m young and naive but I’m not naive and I may only be 18 but my mind is years ahead, about 20 years ahead. So why, unlike my boss can’t I get over something or someone enough to let go of the hate. I think its because the pain is still raw, its only been 4 years since “B” hurt me, only 3 since my dad died and only 2 since another took all my trust for anyone away. I used to be this hurt little girl but for years I’ve known I need to be tougher and stronger and the last year I have gained confidence and strength, the kind of things I needed to be this person who takes no shit from people and doesn’t let people walk all over me. I stand up for what I believe in and tell my opinions because Im not some silly little girl, I like to be challenged and I love to learn and listen and be there for people. I sound like a 18 year old young girl but if you really listen to what I’m saying, you would think I wasa 60 year old who had seen the world and lived through it all. But I’m just me. I do hold a grunge to those who hurt me but they don’t scare me and I wont put my head down when they go past, I’m someone who’s still learning who I am and what my purpose is but I’m also that someone that found a reason to keep living even after being in the darkest of places! I don’t think its immature to hate, I just still hold the pain of what these people did close to my chest and maybe that will go away some day, that grip on the hatred I have for them, maybe it will loosen and fly away one day. Maybe it never will.

Posted in MyStorys, Uncategorized

What’s left to say.

We don’t really know anyone do we? Correction, I don’t really know anyone. How do these people do it? They have friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers, sisters and parents that they understand, they get them, they’re like them. But I don’t feel connected like these people do, to anyone I know. I have friends who read this blog, I have a boyfriend who reads this blog, yet I am writing about how I don’t feel connected to them and that sounds bad but, well I guess it is. The truth is, I spent most of my teen years lying, lying to save myself the real heartache that was my life, the pain and suffering I caused myself by doing that in high school was my own fault, but since I turned a teenager I haven’t been able to connect to anyone. Yes, I have friends and I care about them and we do have things in common like TV shows, music and fashion but those are artificial things, those are normal things that make 2 people friends. But what about those things that make me, me? I have had a shitty life. Not the worst, but not the best, it was just shitty. How do you find someone out there that not only understands you but knows what you’ve been through, maybe its down to trust, but I don’t have any of that either. I don’t trust people around me, I don’t trust that they really care or that they are genuine towards me. I don’t trust myself to fall in love, because I cannot control that outcome, I don’t trust myself to believe in something, I never have been able to fully trust anyone. Why? Well that’s a good question. I would say it was because of my abusive ex boyfriend who did what he wanted to me even when I said no, even when I shouted no. Or maybe it was my best friend who broke my heart, I believed him, just like I believed my ex and it didn’t turn out well, actually it turned out really, really badly. Or it could be that I was bullied in my last years of school, those girls, those lads they tore me down, they made me feel like I was not worth even being here, and I nearly let them win, but I am here writing this post so, they didn’t win, but neither did I.

What is it going to take for me to trust someone, not just say I trust them and lie through my teeth yet again but really trust them. What is it going to take for me to say ‘I Love You’ and mean it and who will it be too. Who is going to be that person who makes me feel like I don’t need to hide behind my own wall I put up when I was a scared 10 year old girl.

When I was 10, my stepdad used to hit me, he would be drunk and pissed off and I would get the business end of his fist, in my face.

When I was 14, I was raped and abused by my ‘Boyfriend’ at the time. I believed him when he said he loved me and he was sorry. I was 14.

When I was 15, my dad died of cancer, months later I wanted to die as well.

When I was 16, I finished high school after 2 years of being bullied and talked about behind my back. I never want to go back there.

When I was 18, I went on anti-depressants. They help, but they don’t take all the pain away.