I love doing tags and this one has been around YEARS but I was stuck for a blog post idea, so a Q and A it is!
My first was called Brandon, we dated when I was 14.
Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
No, I don’t. I can honestly say I don’t know where he is or what he is doing right now.
My first proper kiss was at 14.
FIRST album you bought
I don’t actually remember the first album I bought, but the first album I received was a Mcfly one!
Oh god, the first boy I liked was a boy in primary school who ended up moving away when we was in year 4.
FIRST thing you did this morning
Check my phone… I know I know, typical me.
FIRST best friend
I had a friend called Chloe up until year 4 and she left to go to another school and we lost contact. Her and her family just kind of disappeared, I have tried to reconnect but she doesn’t seem to have an online presence.
I think it was dada or cookie. Of course it would be cookie.
FIRST facebook profile picture
NO! On a serious note though, it was probably a picture of a dog or something stupid like that.
FIRST CONCERT you went too
JLS ( I wasn’t the biggest fan, however my auntie got me tickets)
Probably with my second best friend, Rachel. We would have sleepovers every weekend.
I worked in a dog grooming shop, my first job wasn’t until last year!
FIRST tv show obsession
Friends. It was the first box set I got, closely followed by Gilmore Girls.
The year was 2014 and I fled my high school as soon as the teacher said ‘good luck’ to my entire year as we sat in assembly waiting for the teachers to finish babbling on about our future and how they’re a big part of our success – haha, they were jokers them lot!
As you can gather from my opener, I HATED high school. Now, it wasn’t the learning part. I liked that part, weird right? I didn’t the students or the place. If I was to do high school again, I’d have done it a little different but in the end I think my life would have lead a similar path either way. High school was a time of pain for me, my dad died, my boyfriend hurt me badly and I was bullied. It wasn’t the best time in my life, but regardless of all that, I tried my best to power through. Teachers in high school are so intense, they are always in your face about exams and how you need to apply yourself more to your work. I think sometimes they forget your a teenager. You’re crushing on the popular lad who sits in front of you in English. You’re falling in ‘love’ for the first time, you’re getting your heart broken for the first time or the third. You’re changing physically and mentally. You’re having your first period, you’re trying to figure out how to use a tampon, you’re worried that your pad is going to move during gym and you’re gunna have a Carrie moment right there in the changing rooms. Basically, you have a lot on and to top all those lovely feelings and emotions off, you’re dealing with teachers telling you what you do now will impact you’re entire future. Truth is, it won’t.
Now, I am not saying don’t turn up and pay attention. I still think learning is important. I just don’t think 15 year olds need the stress that is put on them by high school teachers. You may get crappy GCSE results or amazing results. What’s important is what you do after that. Do you give up? No. You go to college or get an apprenticeship or get a job. Those GCSE’s won’t define your future. They can be important if you want to go to a highly respected college or uni yes. But they aren’t a deal breaker. Not getting good results isn’t the end of the world. You’re 16, you shouldn’t be putting the world on your shoulders. Neither should any teacher, parent or friend.
School is about:
1. knowledge – I do not just mean algebra, I mean life lessons. Like sex ed, finances and how to live in the real world, employability lessons and lessons on getting your house and paying your own bills. You shouldn’t just be taught that condoms are to protect against STD’s and pregnancy. You should be teaching ALL students the meaning of the word NO, how to respect the opposite sex. Telling someone how to use a condom is useless if they’re just going to rape a girl at a party because they thought ‘she wanted it’. Teach them that smacking people on the ass on the street is not okay. Why is this not being taught? Why?
2. Socializing and Connecting – I have never understood same sex schools. I think its important that boys and girls mix in their teenage years. Most of the time they will end up growing up not knowing how to act around the opposite sex. Males and Females need to connect with the opposite sex when growing up, I think its damaging when they don’t. School is a in which teenagers can talk to their friends about familiar issues, they can talk about things they’re all going through together. I once a teacher who said ‘ you come here to learn not talk to your friends’ – never hated a teacher more in my life. Right, I am here to listen to teacher talk like they’re a walking textbook for 6 hours and then be given 2 hours of homework, so after an *entertaining* day at school I can go home, do homework, have my tea and go to bed – how interesting.
3. Change – You’re 11 when you walk into that school for the first time, everyone is massive compared to you, the building is intimidating and you’ve got a bag full of stuff you probably will never need or lose by Friday, you’re in year 7. Over the course of the next 5 years, you’re going to change. The things in your bag will change, your body will change, your thoughts and opinions will change. It’s called growing up, but so much of it is done in high school. The lessons learned, the mistakes made, the embarrassing stories forever engraved in your brain. That all happens between Year 7 and Year 11.
I wouldn’t go back to high school if someone had a gun to my head. Overly dramatic? Yes. I guess I just really hated High School.
It is September 1st 2017. A new academic year starts Monday, my brothers go back to school Wednesday (thank god) and a new year of schooling begins. One brother is going into his last year of high school – without a care in the world, may I add. Another goes into Year 9 – He doesn’t seem to bothered either to be honest. Is it a boy thing? Have a good year whether your going into High School, College, Uni or your working!
I saw this post making its rounds again around the blogging community and thought I would finally do it as this month marks 3 years since I have had this blog. Having this blog has helped me become better at so many things. I enjoy writing and I still enjoy blogging. Blogging has become a massive part of my life. I rely on writing to express my feelings and make me understand what I am feeling a little better. I love interacting with you guys in the comments, on twitter and on Instagram. I appreciate all the support and I am so happy that my posts have helped you out somehow along the way. I have seen myself grow and change through the years by re-reading old posts, seeing where I was compared to where I am now and it has been so rewarding. Thank-you everyone who reads my blog!
The tag includes 8 questions and I am sorry but I do not know who created this tag. If you want to do this tag, I will have a set of unanswered questions at the bottom for you to copy, paste and fill in your self. Send me a link to your blog or answers via the comments or on twitter @lifeasshanx
How long have you been blogging?
3 years this month! I started my blog back in 2014, I don’t actually remember the date of my first published blog post but it was the first few weeks into August 2014.
Do you enjoy doing tags?
Yes, they’re my favourite blog posts to write. I am always looking for new tags I could do on other sites.
Do you follow back every blog that follows you?
I follow back accounts that I enjoy the content of. When someone follows me, I check out their site and see what they write about. If I enjoy their writing style and what they write about I will follow them back.
Both really, I do enjoy reading blog posts as I love to know other peoples thoughts and compare them to my own. I like to learn new things and I do that through reading but I love to write and always have.
I saw this tag going around on various bloggers sites so I thought I would do my own version of it. I have the 10 questions on the original tag and have added 5 of my own to it. I do not know who created this tag so I am giving credit to www.drizzleandhurricanbook.com as it was their site I got the idea to do this tag!
So, I don’t feel like I really need to say anymore about what this tag is. Let me know your answers are in the comments or on your own blog and tag me in them on twitter so I can see what your answers are! @lifeasshanx
I don’t remember the first TV show I watched but I do remember my first favourite show and that was Friends.
All Time Favourite TV Show
This is one that changes a lot actually, At this current minute, it is Bones. I only started watching this show last year, but ended up buying every season on DVD and whenever I need a distraction this show goes on.
Your Character Crush
Nothing else needs to be said
Speaking of Nathan Scott, my favourite OTP is Nathan Scott and Haley Jamesfrom One Tree Hill. Actually I have to also add Dr Brennan and Agent Booth from Bones. I can’t pick just one!
Most Disappointing Ending/Cancellation
There are lots of shows that I didn’t want to end – Revenge, Bones and 2 Broke Girls to name a few but The Secret Circle was probably the most annoying cancellation out there. The acting was good, the storyline/plot was interesting and the quality was more then good enough, so why didn’t a show that left off on a massive cliff hanger get a season 2 or movie to wrap things up? I loved the books, I even read the 3 that came out in 2012/2013 that weren’t written by the original author but I was so annoyed by this cancellation, as you can tell 6 years on I am still bitter.
A Show You Would Like To Be On
Easy, Gilmore Girls and for two reasons. One, I want to live in Stars Hollow and two, I want a Lorelai Gilmore in my life!
A Character You’d Love To Take Out On A Date
Do I have to say it again? Nathan Royal Scott, anyday…
A Popular TV Show You Can’t Stand
I don’t care how many times this show is pushed on to me, I will never like it. It will never beat Buffy The Vampire Slayer, never. Sorry, but the show I can’t stand is The Vampire Dairies
A Scene That Made You Cry
When Lance died on Bones,I cried that whole episode to be honest.
A Character With A Killer Wardrobe
Yes, these styles are from 1994 but I loved Rachel Green’sstyle in the early seasons. They were cute and I would wear them today!
It’s hard to find a loyal friend in real life, but I love these women because they support each over and don’t judge eachover even though they are different. Again I don’t just have one. Max and Caroline– 2 Broke Girls. Angela and Brennan– Bones. Brooke and Haley– One Tree Hill. Monica and Rachel– Friends.
A Show That Everyone Should Watch
I can’t tell you how much I love this show. Maybe it’s because I relate so much to Callie or maybe because of its amazing portrayal of ongoing issues in the world. From LGBT rights, The foster care system to family. Its a show everyone should be watching. The Fosters!
A Show That Makes You Laugh Every Time
Brooklyn nine ninehas the ability to make me smile and laugh everytime I rewatch it!
A Show With The Best Music
One Tree Hillwins this. Fair and Square. The One Tree Hill soundtrack has songs for every mood and I have found so many new bands from this show that I still love today! They always find the perfect song to fit the scene.
This is just a small insight into my favourite TV shows, they’re are plently of other shows that I watch that aren’t on this list like
“ It’s a magical place, son. I’ve seen that magic in your eyes for the past nine years. There’s only one Tree Hill, Jamie Scott. And it’s your home.”
There are plenty of good shows out there, shows that make us laugh, make us cry, make us think, make us change what we believe in but One Tree Hill did all of those things. A show that started about two brothers brought up very differently turned into a show that would set the standards high for any future shows. To choose the best episode or season would be impossible because there are so many episodes that scream out at me for being important in their own way. There are so many reasons why this show is special, how it’s different. This was the show that changed my outlook on life, the way I thought about life and ambitions and dreams, family and friends, love and heartache. The storylines were interesting and drama filled, the characters relatable and full of depth but what made this show stand out was the music, the show centres around music, the music helps the scene, it tells a story all by its self.
Like I said its impossible to name ONE favourite episode, so I’m going to name ALL my favourite episodes.
Season 3 Episode 16 –
With tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept.
This episode gave us a wake up call that not everything ‘turns out okay in the end’ when two people don’t make it out of Tree Hill High School alive. This episode makes it on to this list for multiple reasons. The first being the amazing acting done in this episode done by Colin Fickes (Jimmy Edwards), Craig Sheffer (Keith Scott), Bethany Joy Lenz ( Haley James Scott, James Lafferty (Nathan Scott), Sophia Bush (Brooke Davis), Chad Michael Murray (Lucas Scott), Hilarie Burton (Peyton Sawyer) and the rest of the cast of the season 3 episode. The tragic and anger ridden ending we were given left me speechless. From this day on, Dan Scott was nothing but an evil man in my eyes, someone who made your blood boil, someone who didn’t deserve the forgiveness he so much wanted.
Season 3 Episode 22 –
The Show Must Go On.
Something I wanted to see all through season three was Nathan and Haley rekindle their relationship, so this episode was meant to be all smiles and happy tears but instead of ending the season with Nathan and Haley leaving for their honeymoon to London, we get a car plummeting off a bridge into the river below with Nathan’s uncle and Rachel inside. The screams from Haley ended the season. Oh, and we find out Karen is pregnant and someone else.
Season 4 Episode 09 –
Some You Give Away.
This is probably one of my favourite episodes from the whole series, I don’t really know why, whenever they focus around the basket ball games and all the main characters are together, it makes me a littler happier. This episode makes me happy but it also made my bring up my hands to cover my mouth in shock. This episode, to me, sees all these characters looking into the future and the past. Haley is pregnant with Nathans child, they’re her future. Nathan is going to be father and is about to lose one of his other loves – basketball. Luca’s doesn’t think about the future when he doesn’t take his meds and Skillz is looking at impressing scouts for college. This episode is about the future and how what you do today can affect your future.
Season 4 Episode 17 –
It gets worse at night
Something a little uplifting. After Nathan and Haley’s not so romantic prom (pregnant with a healing broken leg) and Brooke and Peyton’s Prom of Horror (Pysco Derek), they all needed( and us honestly) a break away from Tree Hill, so what better place to save Mouth and crash a Prom then Honey Grove, Texas. Oh and Chris Keller is joining them. of course.
Season 7 Episode 22
Almost everything I wish I’d said the last time I saw you.
As you can tell, I like an episode when all the main characters are together. I loved how they ended this episode, well not the shooting 2 people part, the Haley part. The season had been hard on Haley, losing her mother and seeing her go through those stages of depression was relatable and made me love Haley so much more and I loved the way she found her way back. Depression doesn’t take a day to heal, I loved that they didn’t condense her depression into one episode, but I was glad she was finally healing at the end of this episode. Lot’s of amazingly cute things also happened in this episode, proposals and pregnancies!
Season 8 Episode 11
Darkness on the Edge of Town
This episode made me cry, I actually thought we had lost Brooke Davis and I was crying for Julien and for myself because she was one of the best female leads in this show, but luckily, she doesn’t die and it became one of the best, albeit upsetting episodes of one tree hill.
Season 8 Episode 13 –
The other half of me
Finally. That is all I can say about this episode. We watched Brooke Davis get cheated on by her high school boyfriend Lucas with her best friend, she was brought up in a family that didn’t seem to care much about her and was attacked, twice. She was told she couldn’t have kids and she had her heart broken a few times. She lost Sam, she didn’t even get to meet the baby she was going to adopt, so when Brooke Davis got marred in season 8, I thought, finally the girl gets some happiness. Finally.
Season 8 Episode 18
Quite little voices
Season 8 was full of memorable episodes, this one being one. With flash backs of Naleys past, we see them about to welcome a second baby into the Scott family, everyone is excited and happy for them, but Brooke’s heart is breaking again after she finds out, she isn’t going to be a mother…yet.
Season 9 Episode 10
Hardcore will never die, but you will.
Nathan is rescued, thank god. But his dad has been shot. Chris Keller is there, of course and this is probably one of the only times that I liked Dan Scott. And quick question… why did they have to bring back the disgusting man that attacked Brooke!
Season 9 Episode 13
One Tree Hill
Come on, I had to mention the last ever episode of One Tree Hill. This episode made me happy, from start to finish. The flashbacks, the music, the words. Not many shows get that great ending, but this one did and when I ended One Tree Hill, I didn’t know what to do next, it had become such a massive part of who I was. I loved this show, not just because of the music or the characters but for the storylines and plots, for everything really.
Quick Q & A
Favourite Character – Brooke Davis
Favourite Couple – Nathan Scott and Haley James Scott ‘NALEY’
Favourite Friendship – Brooke Davis and Haley James Scott
I’m about a week late on this. A year and some odd days ago, I started The Boys I Encounter. First and foremost, thank you to all of my followers. You have liked and commented and supported my blog, and I am grateful you have been there every step and through my ups and downs. I know that sometimes I go weeks without posting and sometimes I post every day for several days straight. Very inconsistent, but that’s life.
A little over a year ago, I opened my blog with my Introduction and quick follow up to declare I’m Taking a Break from Boys. What sparked this urge to write a one year post was actually a boy I was just beginning to forget. This boy is Sexy Six Pack Boy, he re-added me on snapchat today and I realized it has been just over a year since I…
Over the last couple of years I have become more involved in world issues and one thing I can say I am is a feminist. The word feminist isn’t a bad word. Feminism is about equality and demanding equal rights. Everyone deserves the right, women, men, people from different ethnic backgrounds, different walks of life. Everyone deserves equality. Over the last two months I have started talking to new people, people online who also support the same causes that I do, who share the same beliefs. It’s empowering to talk to women like myself, who have been through the same things as me and understand and support the same organisations.
I had a friend who wasn’t as active in this community and we fought all the same, we didn’t see eye to eye, we weren’t good friends anymore. Old arguments and history are always thrown in my face, the person I was back then is always brought up. I can’t have a friend who does such immature things to ‘fire back’ while arguing. I can’t have a friend that judges me or any other women based on her sex life, dating preference or style choices. I never judged her for not doing something or doing something, yet she always did it to me. I was disgusted by the things she said to me last night, it sparked me to right a blog post about it. Out of all the things she has ever said to me – which I normally let go over my head, because maybe she doesn’t know what she’s saying or doesn’t realise how nasty is sounded to me, what she said was unforgiveable to me and that’s why I am writing this blog post. I decided its time to move on from old friends. Fair enough she doesn’t believe in the things I do, maybe it was her sheltered upbringing with a catholic family, maybe its just who she is but its not who I am, not anymore. I don’t know how we ever were close friends. Our upbringings and beliefs are completely different and its only occurred to me these last few months (since our June holiday) that we are nothing alike. I’m done babying her. I’m done letting her make snide, little comments to my face and talking about me behind my back, which she never realised I knew about. I have to let go, its not the only friendship I have had to let go of this year. It won’t be the last. I’m not hurt or bothered that we aren’t friends. I’m just pissed she said those disgusting things about her ‘friend’.
This post isn’t about slating someone, or I would have name and shamed. I blog to express my feelings and I needed to express my feelings. I can’t have friends who don’t support me. I need friends like myself. I didn’t tell her about the friends I had meet who share the same interests with me because she would just judge that as well. Some people empower you, others don’t. Be around people who support you. Don’t put up with their shit, not even for a little bit. You’ll always find friends who are like you, you just have to go out and look for them like I did, you’ll realise then how little you actually need the ones who bring you down.
Closure is a funny thing, sometimes we need it, sometimes we don’t. But what I know now is that we don’t always get it straight away. Not everything in life can simply placed in a box and have a perfectly tied bow around it. Life is messy and not everything that ends is done so cleanly. Pain, anger and confusion are normally involved. We spend a lot of time trying not to hurt the people we care about, we may tell white lies when breaking up with someone, we ‘let me down’ easy, but is that really the humane way of doing it? We tell them it’s not them or we just don’t feel the same way, we try and make them feel better when all they want is the truth. The old saying applies – ‘The truth will set you free’ and I believe that. Yes, the truth is sometimes messy and doesn’t always involve a perfectly wrapped box with a bow on top. It can end in screaming and crying, but it’s the truth and in the end, the truth is all you can give someone sometimes. Someone can never get closure without it. We avoid it though, by making up lies and saying cliché sayings like ‘we can still be friends, right?’ No-one wants to hear that, they want the truth. Why is it so hard to give someone that? We don’t want to hurt them, fair enough. But what’s hurting them is not knowing the truth, not knowing why. They don’t know who or what the reason for you walking away is. You must care about them if you don’t want them to get hurt, so consider this, by not telling someone why or what or who you are prolonging the pain, making it harder for them to get back to ‘normal’, harder for them to move on. I guess it’s only those with a conscience that care when they hurt someone.
The person whom I wanted my closure from, never really cared back then. This year though, I got that closure. I don’t think he ever expected me to get it but I did. I’ve wrote about him a dozen times on this blog, mainly because since the start of this blog, he’s been in my life. He’s the reason this blog exists. The pain and confusion was something I was used to writing about and over the years my feelings for him have ranged from anger, to pain, to confusion, to thinking I was over him to still being in pain. He’s the reason I have trust issues with men. If he could up and leave, anyone could. Right? I don’t get close to people, I just don’t want to get hurt again. It hurt a lot. To much. But despite all of that, I managed to get through it. I managed to work through a lot of pain and anger to a point were I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care what he did, where he was or who he was with. I just couldn’t care less. Some would say that was my closure, that’s true. But what felt like the real closure was seeing him again. It was self inflicted and 100% worth it.
Seeing him again triggered something that was lying low in my mind. I don’t have prove of course and my analysis is purely conjecture but, I recently found out I deal with a disorder called Bi-polar an illness that consists of episodes of mania and super depressive states. This is something I have had many years, however it can get worse after being triggered. It could be down to genes, it could be my environment or it could be down to an abusive past and or lose of a family member. I lost my dad and was abused by 2 different people. I may never know why I have this disorder, but that doesn’t matter because know I have a reason for my moods. I know why I feel this way know. Through therapy and meds I can start to get better.
But going back to what I was saying, I think he was a trigger. It heightened my illness to a point I could no longer deal and I had to get professional help. I guess I have him to thank for that. Or myself, as it was self inflicted like I said. When I saw him again I wasn’t nervous or scared. I didn’t care about looking my best or being nice to him. I was me, the girl I have been for years now. A little broken but still smiling. When he left I didn’t get the urge to message him, I messaged him but I didn’t wait for a response and I wasn’t excited when I got a reply. It was the past for me and I know I’ve said it a lot but I didn’t have any interest in him, as cruel as it sounds. But it’s not like he cared about what had gone on in my life. It wasn’t like I was a bitch when he was being nice. He was being himself, for the most part. He didn’t ask much, so neither did I. He wouldn’t know the name of my ex boyfriend, he wouldn’t know my favourite band or who my friends are. He wouldn’t know who I have a crush on or even that I write a blog. All things my friends know, he was shocked when I said we weren’t friends, but how can two people, so different be friends? How can I trust him again? How could I ever let him in again? I couldn’t. I think that’s what gave me closure in the end. That exact thing I just said, the end. It was the end. The end of a friendship, the end of the hook ups, the end of us.
I’ve said it before, said I am over it, that I don’t feel for him anymore and I was lying, but so much has happened these last few months, life changing events that will shape who I become in the future. A better, happier, healthier person I hope. The questions you have to ask your self are
Does he care about you? Does he love you? No? Leave him in the past.
Do you see him as a boyfriend, friend or someone close to you in the future? No? Leave him in the past.
It’s normal to feel hurt, its normal to hate them, its normal to not hate them. It’s okay to still love them, it’s okay to still care, give yourself the time to get over them. They may have been your best friend or your boyfriend but it will hurt less and less, just like when you lose a loved one. It won’t happen in a day, it doesn’t work like that. But it’ll happen.
We are told to conceal our tampons under our sleeve while we walk to the bathroom. We are told not to talk about our periods, because we don’t want anyone to know we are on our period. We are told to say its a headache when are questioned about taking painkillers. Basically, we are told to act as if periods don’t exist. Well, I’m here to talk about why that is the completely wrong way to go.
It’s natural, I know that, hopefully you do to. You need to have a period to grow, to become a woman. So, why are we brought up to believe and think periods are disgusting and something to be ashamed of? I bleed once a month, sometimes ALOT, why is that such a big deal?
I don’t understand why a period is seen as ‘dirty’ and something a woman should shame. Where did that come from? Who was it that decided they were going to shame a woman for something completely natural and out of her control? Without periods a woman wouldn’t be able to have a child, they wouldn’t be able to ‘grow’ into woman.
Yesterday, much to my anger and shock, I received a message on snapchat from a male(whom is in his 20’s and is living with his girlfriend and her children) saying ‘Do you have to put stuff up on your story about your period’. Now, the post I put on my snapchat story was a black screen with the text ‘Period pains are killing me’, there was no image and no Emojis, just words, saying that my period pains were really hurting me. This ‘man child’ decided to message me because he was disgusted and offended that I put this on my story, now I didn’t know what to say to this message at first because I was shocked and a little pissed off to be honest. This isn’t the first time I have had a male( whom is either a friend or family member) message me TELLING me to take something down on social media. I once had an image of my legs in the bath on snapchat, now this was a racy image, everything was covered you could just see some skin from my legs under the bubbles, I was TOLD to take this picture down, I didn’t of course. I was once told I shouldn’t wear a dress that revealed my chest because ‘You look a bit like a slut’. Oh, you think I look like a slut? Well, you sound like an asshole so do me a favour and fuck off. What is it with some men thinking that can instruct me on what to wear and what I should and should not be posting on social media. What I post, as long as it doesn’t affect anyone(and by affect I mean it doesn’t hurt someone) I don’t see how its any of their business.
I don’t care if you’re my best friend, my boyfriend or a family member, I am a grown woman and I will say what I like, wear what I feel comfortable and good in and do what I please and as long as I’m not hurting anyone I don’t see why you feel your input on my life choices actually matters.
Just a word for the wise, don’t tell a grown woman what she should and shouldn’t be wearing, its her live, not yours, she’ll decide for herself, she’s more then capable of making her own life choices.
(By the way I told that lad were to go when he messaged me about my periods, I love the delete button!)
What am I feeling right now? They say write about what you feel right now but truthfully does anyone even want to know how I feel right now? Because I don’t have some glitter to sprinkle on this shitty situation, there is no silver lining right now, there’s no nothing right now. I can’t write a piece about staying positive and bouncing back because right now, at this very minute I wouldn’t even believe it so how am I meant to get others to believe it. I can’t be smiles and laughs all the time and some people in my life find that hard to comprehend. I can’t give anyone the ‘It’s going to be alright’ speech right now because I don’t even feel alright.
I’m lost, I’m confused, hell I’m angry. I don’t know what else to say, I have no way to solve my problems right now, I do what people tell me to do, apply for unemployment, keep yourself busy, apply for new jobs. I do it all but what do I do about my passion? I don’t want to write, I can’t find something I want to write about, I feel like writing is a big part of who I am but my feelings have ruined so much in my life so why are they going to help me now? They aren’t, that’s how I feel right now.
I’m feeling hopeless, its pointless, its the same but its different all at once and none of it makes sense, I don’t make sense, I cant barely string together a sentence right now, how am I meant to form a quality blog post? Well I can’t, so I’m offering this piece instead, a piece written by me at a moment of confusion and anger and lose. I have nothing to say right now, I don’t want to say anything right now.