Messed Up Friendships.

* I wrote this when I was very down and needed to vent my feelings about a certain boy in my life – or should I say past. I wrote it for myself but later decided to post this, because this is my blog and I felt as if I can post my feelings here. It is a blog post that consists of me venting. it is just a little look into my feelings about a certain someone and I thought I’d share that with you all. Maybe you have been through something similar and can relate. It is not an advice post like most of my blog posts that I have done about my past. I didn’t mention a lot on the subject, purely because it didn’t seem right to post everything on the internet, that’s why names haven’t been mentioned. He may have hurt me, but I don’t hate him that much to put his business(I.E his name, age and where he lives) all over the internet. ( It is my choice to put my business on the internet) It could be any guy in the whole world.. Well okay, the UK but still. He doesn’t need to be named. I am not some scolded women looking for Revenge people! I will have a nice post up at the end of the week, so don’t worry, they’re not all as depressing as this one. I just kinda wanted to show you a little snippet of what’s going on in my life right now.*

There is something about him that I just can’t get over. My friends think I like him, in more than a ‘friend’ way, but I know myself better than they know me and I know that I do not like him in a ‘fancy him’ way. I can’t explain how I feel. I feel a little angry at times because he said so many horrible things to be, as well as ignored me and only spoke to me when he wanted sex. He lied over and over again to me. I guess I am a little angry at myself for believing he could change and that he really wanted to be my friend and didn’t just want sex. I am sad because I miss him and our old friendship. I want him back in my life but at the same time I don’t.  I feel heartbroken even though we didn’t date and now I am not heartbroken because I loved him in a ‘let’s date’ kind of way. I loved him as a friend and suddenly he wasn’t there anymore and it hurt me a lot. I sometimes get really down about it. Sometimes I feel like I need his friendship. There is something about him, that is different for me and I think I know why, and just don’t know how to end the pain and upset when it comes to him

Once he started doing drugs, he changed. He started flaking on plans we had made, he started being mean and unsupportive of me. One day, we had made plans to hang out and he had promised he’d turn up this time. I left what I was doing that day early so i could be at home when he got here. Only to find out that he wasn’t coming because he’d taken drugs and couldn’t make it. He didn’t even message me first saying I can’t come today, no he waited till I texted him, which he didn’t even respond to for another 2 hours. Thanks alot, you so called ‘friend’.  After that I kind of lost hope that the friendship could workout.

I have spent some time on the subject. Thinking what did I do wrong? Did i try to hard to keep our friendship going? Am I the one to blame? Will he ever go back to the lad i used to know years ago or is this it for him? I guess I could be to blame for some of the problems we had, but I know It’s his fault too. Sometimes I’m sitting there thinking and I think of a witty comeback or remark I could have made when he said something mean and upsetting to me. some of the things he said to me affected me. For instance he once said my room was ‘childlike’, Now I know it isn’t. I get a lot of my inspiration from Youtubers such as Zoella and she’s hardly ‘childlike’ not only that but My style is my style. I am very sorry I don’t skit you for your style, but I am a nice person. I could say to him ‘ you don’t strike me as a very creative person, so i bet your room consists of a bed, wardrobe and a line of Nike shoes on the floor – creative’ after that I started becoming concerned with my whole style till i realised he’d just boring and basic, so what if i like to have pictures of my family and friends around my room, there is nothing wrong with that. While going through a tough time mentally ( which I still am,just not as bad anymore since I have been getting help) I went to him for support because everyone else that night was MIA or busy. I needed someone to come to my house or at least talk to me. He called me an attention seeker and swore a couple times, which made me worse. He doesn’t understand self-harm or mental illness, which I never expected him too, but I don’t think it’s fair to call me an attention seeker when you know nothing about me or my illness. I respect that not many people get mental illness, but for a friend I trusted to turn around and say all these things, really hurt. There have been many times like those I have mentioned, I guess I must just be gullible and weak for not saying something sooner and letting him control the situation again and again.

I gave up recently and it has been hard. Sometimes I want to go back and take back what I said about being better off without him because I miss him, but he picked drugs over our friendship. He picked drugs every time, I don’t do drug’s and I will never go near them and I guess he wants friends who do, do drug’s. He was my best guy mate and It hurts to lose anyone, but when someone has been in your life for so long and they hurt you and leave, it’s not easy. I wasn’t that bothered about him doing drugs, but what bothered me was the fact the drugs changed him. I do worry about him, but what can I do? I had to give up, it was just to much for me to keep trying when he didn’t want to try anymore, he wanted one thing and when I stopped giving him that, he stopped being my friend. I do take some of the blame, being the naive person who thought he’d change, the gullible person who believed every word he said – good or bad and the trusting, caring person for trying, when i should have give up long before I did. I just hope he doesn’t end up ODing or getting involved with the wrong people. My friends were right from the start, I should have walked away a long time ago.

Shannon x


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