I’m Not Over it… Or Am I?

Every time I tell my friends that I’m okay and I’m passed it, I hate myself a little for lying. I don’t know what to say to the people closest to me anymore, they are so concerned and want me to move on, but it’s not that easy. I wish it was easy to tell them the truth, that I still cry when I hear that one song or that I spend my spare time going over memories in my head. My mind is filled with ‘what if’ scenarios, what if it had gone this way, what if that never happened, what if I said something different. What happened wasn’t down to me, so why do I feel so guilty. I know there is nothing I could have said or done to change the situation and I wasn’t going to change who I am to save a relationship that wouldn’t have worked anyway.

It’s been hard these last couple months, I keep telling myself that my feelings are normal and will go away with time, but sometimes I feel like the intense pain I am feeling will never go away. I don’t know what to say to people when they ask about him, I do not hate him but I do not like him either, he hurt me, so much. I want to believe he’s out there changing his life, but I don’t think that’s the case. I wish he’d understand where he’s going with his life, the drugs, the drinking and the lying, soon he’s going to lose more than the people that care about him. I wish I could understand this feeling, it isn’t just one feeling, it’s so many. I am so angry at him for all those things he said and all those times he let me down. I am sad that someone I cared about so much, hurt me the way he has and I also feel conflicted. Off course, I would love to kick him in the balls and give him a mouthful, but I also kind of miss him, the old him, the nice, humble him, not the lad he’s turned into.

I keep reliving our memories in my head, late at night when I can’t sleep. Sometimes thinking about him, makes me tear up. I am pretty sure I know what caused the mess between us, but I keep wondering if something had gone differently in the past, would our friendship have worked? I guess we’ll never know. The pain I feel losing a friend is sharp and heavy, I hate losing someone close to me and I am still not over this friendship breakup. It’s weird that other friendship-breakups never hit me as hard as this one, maybe I will never be able to get over this one! Was it that we was ‘too close’ or because he changed? Maybe it was because of my anxiety and depression, here I go with the ‘maybes’ again.

When you have known someone for so long, when you have been through so much while they have been in your life, it’s hard not to be hurt when that person isn’t there anymore. It hurts to not have him as a friend but what he’s doing to his body hurts me more. I am not the ‘get jealous’ of course I get unhappy and sad when someone hurts me, but I don’t feel jealous, I just feel sad and heavy-hearted that someone I used to talk to every day about everything is no longer in my life. I have so many amazing people in my life, loyal, caring friends who listen to my rants and comfort me when I’m sad, recently I’ve had the opportunity to meet so many new people and make so many new friends, some of who I can talk about anything too, but for some reason, talking to him about all these things had a different feeling to it. I get a job or pass an exam and I have the urge to tell him but he’s not there anymore and when I tell my other friends and family members, they say ‘well done’, ‘I’m proud of you’ and ‘congrats’, why do I feel like I need to hear those words from the one person who only had horrible things to say about me? I have moved on in so many ways, but there is always going to be this lingering feeling when I think about him, it’s not love, it’s not anger, it’s something different, something I cannot name.

I am healing, in fact, I started this last year and never finished what I had to say, but now I have a clearer mind. I have been through hell these last 4 years, losing my dad, being in an abusive relationship, being bullied for my past, suicide attempts and dealing with having a mental illness – depression and anxiety. I finally feel like I’m settling into the life I haven’t been able to live these last few years. I am feeling happier and more confident, every week that goes by, I have an apprenticeship and I am building a future for myself, I am doing good. Really good. Funny how when I started this post, I was so unhappy and felt so alone and now, I’m smiling more and crying less. That’s a win in my books. I’ve waited 4 years to say ‘I’m Happy’ and mean it. I’m happy. I’m not alone. I’m smiling. I’ve changed in so many ways but I’m me again, finally.

 

 

 

Messed Up Friendships.

* I wrote this when I was very down and needed to vent my feelings about a certain boy in my life – or should I say past. I wrote it for myself but later decided to post this, because this is my blog and I felt as if I can post my feelings here. It is a blog post that consists of me venting. it is just a little look into my feelings about a certain someone and I thought I’d share that with you all. Maybe you have been through something similar and can relate. It is not an advice post like most of my blog posts that I have done about my past. I didn’t mention a lot on the subject, purely because it didn’t seem right to post everything on the internet, that’s why names haven’t been mentioned. He may have hurt me, but I don’t hate him that much to put his business(I.E his name, age and where he lives) all over the internet. ( It is my choice to put my business on the internet) It could be any guy in the whole world.. Well okay, the UK but still. He doesn’t need to be named. I am not some scolded women looking for Revenge people! I will have a nice post up at the end of the week, so don’t worry, they’re not all as depressing as this one. I just kinda wanted to show you a little snippet of what’s going on in my life right now.*

There is something about him that I just can’t get over. My friends think I like him, in more than a ‘friend’ way, but I know myself better than they know me and I know that I do not like him in a ‘fancy him’ way. I can’t explain how I feel. I feel a little angry at times because he said so many horrible things to be, as well as ignored me and only spoke to me when he wanted sex. He lied over and over again to me. I guess I am a little angry at myself for believing he could change and that he really wanted to be my friend and didn’t just want sex. I am sad because I miss him and our old friendship. I want him back in my life but at the same time I don’t.  I feel heartbroken even though we didn’t date and now I am not heartbroken because I loved him in a ‘let’s date’ kind of way. I loved him as a friend and suddenly he wasn’t there anymore and it hurt me a lot. I sometimes get really down about it. Sometimes I feel like I need his friendship. There is something about him, that is different for me and I think I know why, and just don’t know how to end the pain and upset when it comes to him

Once he started doing drugs, he changed. He started flaking on plans we had made, he started being mean and unsupportive of me. One day, we had made plans to hang out and he had promised he’d turn up this time. I left what I was doing that day early so i could be at home when he got here. Only to find out that he wasn’t coming because he’d taken drugs and couldn’t make it. He didn’t even message me first saying I can’t come today, no he waited till I texted him, which he didn’t even respond to for another 2 hours. Thanks alot, you so called ‘friend’.  After that I kind of lost hope that the friendship could workout.

I have spent some time on the subject. Thinking what did I do wrong? Did i try to hard to keep our friendship going? Am I the one to blame? Will he ever go back to the lad i used to know years ago or is this it for him? I guess I could be to blame for some of the problems we had, but I know It’s his fault too. Sometimes I’m sitting there thinking and I think of a witty comeback or remark I could have made when he said something mean and upsetting to me. some of the things he said to me affected me. For instance he once said my room was ‘childlike’, Now I know it isn’t. I get a lot of my inspiration from Youtubers such as Zoella and she’s hardly ‘childlike’ not only that but My style is my style. I am very sorry I don’t skit you for your style, but I am a nice person. I could say to him ‘ you don’t strike me as a very creative person, so i bet your room consists of a bed, wardrobe and a line of Nike shoes on the floor – creative’ after that I started becoming concerned with my whole style till i realised he’d just boring and basic, so what if i like to have pictures of my family and friends around my room, there is nothing wrong with that. While going through a tough time mentally ( which I still am,just not as bad anymore since I have been getting help) I went to him for support because everyone else that night was MIA or busy. I needed someone to come to my house or at least talk to me. He called me an attention seeker and swore a couple times, which made me worse. He doesn’t understand self-harm or mental illness, which I never expected him too, but I don’t think it’s fair to call me an attention seeker when you know nothing about me or my illness. I respect that not many people get mental illness, but for a friend I trusted to turn around and say all these things, really hurt. There have been many times like those I have mentioned, I guess I must just be gullible and weak for not saying something sooner and letting him control the situation again and again.

I gave up recently and it has been hard. Sometimes I want to go back and take back what I said about being better off without him because I miss him, but he picked drugs over our friendship. He picked drugs every time, I don’t do drug’s and I will never go near them and I guess he wants friends who do, do drug’s. He was my best guy mate and It hurts to lose anyone, but when someone has been in your life for so long and they hurt you and leave, it’s not easy. I wasn’t that bothered about him doing drugs, but what bothered me was the fact the drugs changed him. I do worry about him, but what can I do? I had to give up, it was just to much for me to keep trying when he didn’t want to try anymore, he wanted one thing and when I stopped giving him that, he stopped being my friend. I do take some of the blame, being the naive person who thought he’d change, the gullible person who believed every word he said – good or bad and the trusting, caring person for trying, when i should have give up long before I did. I just hope he doesn’t end up ODing or getting involved with the wrong people. My friends were right from the start, I should have walked away a long time ago.

Shannon x