MyStorys, Uncategorized

I’m Not Over it… Or Am I?

Every time I tell my friends that I’m okay and I’m passed it, I hate myself a little for lying. I don’t know what to say to the people closest to me anymore, they are so concerned and want me to move on, but it’s not that easy. I wish it was easy to tell them the truth, that I still cry when I hear that one song or that I spend my spare time going over memories in my head. My mind is filled with ‘what if’ scenarios, what if it had gone this way, what if that never happened, what if I said something different. What happened wasn’t down to me, so why do I feel so guilty. I know there is nothing I could have said or done to change the situation and I wasn’t going to change who I am to save a relationship that wouldn’t have worked anyway.

It’s been hard these last couple months, I keep telling myself that my feelings are normal and will go away with time, but sometimes I feel like the intense pain I am feeling will never go away. I don’t know what to say to people when they ask about him, I do not hate him but I do not like him either, he hurt me, so much. I want to believe he’s out there changing his life, but I don’t think that’s the case. I wish he’d understand where he’s going with his life, the drugs, the drinking and the lying, soon he’s going to lose more than the people that care about him. I wish I could understand this feeling, it isn’t just one feeling, it’s so many. I am so angry at him for all those things he said and all those times he let me down. I am sad that someone I cared about so much, hurt me the way he has and I also feel conflicted. Off course, I would love to kick him in the balls and give him a mouthful, but I also kind of miss him, the old him, the nice, humble him, not the lad he’s turned into.

I keep reliving our memories in my head, late at night when I can’t sleep. Sometimes thinking about him, makes me tear up. I am pretty sure I know what caused the mess between us, but I keep wondering if something had gone differently in the past, would our friendship have worked? I guess we’ll never know. The pain I feel losing a friend is sharp and heavy, I hate losing someone close to me and I am still not over this friendship breakup. It’s weird that other friendship-breakups never hit me as hard as this one, maybe I will never be able to get over this one! Was it that we was ‘too close’ or because he changed? Maybe it was because of my anxiety and depression, here I go with the ‘maybes’ again.

When you have known someone for so long, when you have been through so much while they have been in your life, it’s hard not to be hurt when that person isn’t there anymore. It hurts to not have him as a friend but what he’s doing to his body hurts me more. I am not the ‘get jealous’ of course I get unhappy and sad when someone hurts me, but I don’t feel jealous, I just feel sad and heavy-hearted that someone I used to talk to every day about everything is no longer in my life. I have so many amazing people in my life, loyal, caring friends who listen to my rants and comfort me when I’m sad, recently I’ve had the opportunity to meet so many new people and make so many new friends, some of who I can talk about anything too, but for some reason, talking to him about all these things had a different feeling to it. I get a job or pass an exam and I have the urge to tell him but he’s not there anymore and when I tell my other friends and family members, they say ‘well done’, ‘I’m proud of you’ and ‘congrats’, why do I feel like I need to hear those words from the one person who only had horrible things to say about me? I have moved on in so many ways, but there is always going to be this lingering feeling when I think about him, it’s not love, it’s not anger, it’s something different, something I cannot name.

I am healing, in fact, I started this last year and never finished what I had to say, but now I have a clearer mind. I have been through hell these last 4 years, losing my dad, being in an abusive relationship, being bullied for my past, suicide attempts and dealing with having a mental illness – depression and anxiety. I finally feel like I’m settling into the life I haven’t been able to live these last few years. I am feeling happier and more confident, every week that goes by, I have an apprenticeship and I am building a future for myself, I am doing good. Really good. Funny how when I started this post, I was so unhappy and felt so alone and now, I’m smiling more and crying less. That’s a win in my books. I’ve waited 4 years to say ‘I’m Happy’ and mean it. I’m happy. I’m not alone. I’m smiling. I’ve changed in so many ways but I’m me again, finally.





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