I’ve lived in Liverpool my whole life. 20 years of memories, mistakes and lessons learnt. I fell in love for the first time here, had my heartbroken for the first time here. I’ve grown up here, matured here. It’s my home – it was my home.
I am not ashamed of being from Liverpool. A lot of people see Liverpool as a bad place. But, for me at least, Liverpool was never a bad place. In fact Liverpool is a place full of personality and history. It’s simply the terrible memories and bad people I can no longer ignore. I will always remember my days out with my dad – he would take me everywhere. He was proud of Liverpool. I remember the friends I have made here, the ones I have lost and the ones whom are still in my life today. I remember the people who changed my life. The ones that shaped who I am today. The ones who got me here today.
Regardless of the good memories I have in this place, it is forever tinted with the bad stench of the many sad and painful things that have happened to me here. Sadness is an emotion I am more then familiar with. Pain is a feeling I have felt most of my life.
I have tried to ‘turn over a new leaf’ here in Liverpool many times. It took me a long time to realise that I wasn’t failing at that task because I was failure but because it is impossible to start over in a place that pain follows you around. I take a bus somewhere and I pass places I once smiled in, places I once cried in. These places make my stomach turn and my eyes water. They bring me actual pain. A place and a memory is causing me pain. Like a sinking in my heart. I have had enough of that feeling.
My mental illness is something I have been coming to terms with for a few years now. I have good days and bad days. But, I am here. That has to count for something. I took the medication. I went to the therapy and yet my pain hasn’t gone. ‘It takes time’ they tell me. ‘You’ll get better soon’ they said. ‘You’ll get back on your feet one day’ they promised. When those things didn’t happen within the months and years of hearing the words, I started to wonder why nothing was changing for me. Why wasn’t I getting better? Was this it for me? Forever the girl who is known for her depressive episodes and dark thoughts. I started to realise that part of my depression was demolished whenever I stepped outside of Liverpool. Leaving Liverpool was like a massive wake up call for me, every time I left. It was like the air was different, clean of the misery I felt back home. It was like the concrete had been lifted from my body and I could breathe and move again. I was happier, I was me. I was free. I felt so free. It was around this time I made the decision that moving was the best thing for me. For my health and for my sanity.
I close my eyes and I see my life in flashes. The smiling, the joking, the laughing, the crying and the screaming. I see the people I care about leave, being hurt or dying. I see myself hurting, wanting to leave, wanting to die. I see my friends and my family confused and worried for my well being. I think about my future in Liverpool and I see nothing – I literally see nothing. A massive black hole. I see nothing, I hear nothing. The thought of not being able to see a future here ate me alive. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to see a future for self and I couldn’t. It almost broke me.
When I met Ben and we started making plans that went past a life in Liverpool, I started seeing a future. A light came through the darkness in that black hole of nothingness. I realised that I could be someone, I realised that I didn’t need to live my life out in a black hole. I could leave and get better. I could smile and laugh again and have it be a real smile and real laughter. We made plans and I felt like I was going to make it out of this.
I love Liverpool. My accent will always be with me. I will always be proud of my home town and its history. Most people in the UK know about Liverpool, its history and most importantly our accent! And, I am proud of that. I love my mum will all my heart and she brought me up here, I went to school here. I have too many memories here to just forget them. Liverpool will always be the place I was born, the place I grew up, it will always be the place I come from. And, I hope my accent and fast talking stays with me because I don’t want to loose what this place gave me. It’s just time to move on. Start fresh. Begin again. It’s time to enter my 20s somewhere new and end this part of my life here.