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The closure I didn’t end up needing

Closure is a funny thing, sometimes we need it, sometimes we don’t. But what I know now is that we don’t always get it straight away. Not everything in life can simply placed in a box and have a perfectly tied bow around it. Life is messy and not everything that ends is done so cleanly. Pain, anger and confusion are normally involved. We spend a lot of time trying not to hurt the people we care about, we may tell white lies when breaking up with someone, we ‘let me down’ easy, but is that really the humane way of doing it? We tell them it’s not them or we just don’t feel the same way, we try and make them feel better when all they want is the truth. The old saying applies – ‘The truth will set you free’ and I believe that. Yes, the truth is sometimes messy and doesn’t always involve a perfectly wrapped box with a bow on top. It can end in screaming and crying, but it’s the truth and in the end, the truth is all you can give someone sometimes. Someone can never get closure without it. We avoid it though, by making up lies and saying cliché sayings like ‘we can still be friends, right?’ No-one wants to hear that, they want the truth. Why is it so hard to give someone that? We don’t want to hurt them, fair enough. But what’s hurting them is not knowing the truth, not knowing why. They don’t know who or what the reason for you walking away is. You must care about them if you don’t want them to get hurt, so consider this, by not telling someone why or what or who you are prolonging the pain, making it harder for them to get back to ‘normal’, harder for them to move on. I guess it’s only those with a conscience that care when they hurt someone.

The person whom I wanted my closure from, never really cared back then. This year though, I got that closure. I don’t think he ever expected me to get it but I did. I’ve wrote about him a dozen times on this blog, mainly because since the start of this blog, he’s been in my life. He’s the reason this blog exists. The pain and confusion was something I was used to writing about and over the years my feelings for him have ranged from anger, to pain, to confusion, to thinking I was over him to still being in pain. He’s the reason I have trust issues with men. If he could up and leave, anyone could. Right? I don’t get close to people, I just don’t want to get hurt again. It hurt a lot. To much. But despite all of that, I managed to get through it. I managed to work through a lot of pain and anger to a point were I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care what he did, where he was or who he was with. I just couldn’t care less. Some would say that was my closure, that’s true. But what felt like the real closure was seeing him again. It was self inflicted and 100% worth it.

Seeing him again triggered something that was lying low in my mind. I don’t have prove of course and my analysis is purely conjecture but, I recently found out I deal with a disorder called Bi-polar an illness that consists of episodes of mania and super depressive states. This is something I have had many years, however it can get worse after being triggered. It could be down to genes, it could be my environment or it could be down to an abusive past and or lose of a family member. I lost my dad and was abused by 2 different people. I may never know why I have this disorder, but that doesn’t matter because know I have a reason for my moods. I know why I feel this way know. Through therapy and meds I can start to get better.

But going back to what I was saying, I think he was a trigger. It heightened my illness to a point I could no longer deal and I had to get professional help. I guess I have him to thank for that. Or myself, as it was self inflicted like I said. When I saw him again I wasn’t nervous or scared. I didn’t care about looking my best or being nice to him. I was me, the girl I have been for years now. A little broken but still smiling. When he left I didn’t get the urge to message him, I messaged him but I didn’t wait for a response and I wasn’t excited when I got a reply. It was the past for me and I know I’ve said it a lot but I didn’t have any interest in him, as cruel as it sounds. But it’s not like he cared about what had gone on in my life. It wasn’t like I was a bitch when he was being nice. He was being himself, for the most part. He didn’t ask much, so neither did I. He wouldn’t know the name of my ex boyfriend, he wouldn’t know my favourite band or who my friends are. He wouldn’t know who I have a crush on or even that I write a blog. All things my friends know, he was shocked when I said we weren’t friends, but how can two people, so different be friends? How can I trust him again? How could I ever let him in again? I couldn’t. I think that’s what gave me closure in the end. That exact thing I just said, the end. It was the end. The end of a friendship, the end of the hook ups, the end of us.

I’ve said it before, said I am over it, that I don’t feel for him anymore and I was lying, but so much has happened these last few months, life changing events that will shape who I become in the future. A better, happier, healthier person I hope. The questions you have to ask your self are

Does he care about you? Does he love you? No? Leave him in the past.

Do you see him as a boyfriend, friend or someone close to you in the future? No? Leave him in the past.

It’s normal to feel hurt, its normal to hate them, its normal to not hate them. It’s okay to still love them, it’s okay to still care, give yourself the time to get over them. They may have been your best friend or your boyfriend but it will hurt less and less, just like when you lose a loved one. It won’t happen in a day, it doesn’t work like that. But it’ll happen.

Learn more about Bi Polar Disorder here! – https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/bipolar-disorder/#.WX-cirpFxzk

Find out more about Mental Health and the link with abuse(disclaimer- this blog post was not written about someone who abused me, this is simply a helpful link) – http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/other/abuse

 

As normal, let me know what you want to read next on twitter @lifeasshanx or Instagram @lifeasshanx

Shannon x

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Author:

I am a 18-year-old blogger from the UK. I have always enjoyed expressing my feeling, so having a blog allows me to that.

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