Grief, as well as many other things that have happened in my life contributed to my depression. There are supposed to be ‘Stages’ to grieving but I never found that of much help or comfort. I struggled with the death of my dad, I experienced every possible kind of emotion when dealing with his death. I spent so much time no believing it to be true, thinking about how this can’t be happening, it can’t be MY dad, My dad wouldn’t die of cancer, he just wouldn’t. But he did.
I was angry at myself for not spending enough time with him, I was angry at the doctors for not saving him, I was angry at the people around me for not understanding that I didn’t want to do certain things or act like myself – happy. I was confused and lost, I didn’t know what to do, what to say to people when they said ‘I’m sorry about your dad’, I started searching for closure or something to take the pain away but I couldn’t. I felt as if my heart was actually aching, like someone just punched me in the stomach five times in a row, I wasn’t myself, I was dazed. Weeks went by and I cried at his funeral and when my family spoke of how much he loved me but the real pain, the real sadness, that didn’t come for months after his death. Maybe I was avoiding it, maybe I was telling myself if I didn’t think about him or his death that I didn’t have to face it, but like anything in life, eventually you have to face the things you have been running from. When I started to feel the real pain, the hurting and the struggling kicked in, I become someone else completely, I went from being dazed and confused to utterly lost and alone in my own bubble.
They tell you you’re aren’t alone but these are the same people who told you to move on from everything, so what do they know.
The first time you are told that the person you love is no longer here, you feel sad and as if someone has just shot you in the heart but you’re alive to feel the pain. That pain, that sadness compares nothing to how it feels weeks and months later when you come to the realisation that, that person isn’t really here anymore, they won’t see another birthday or Christmas, they won’t congratulate you on your new job or your first baby, because they won’t be here to see any of that and once you realise that, that’s when the truly utterly painful mourning really begins, the kind that changes who you are whether that be for a couple weeks, months, years or forever.
Death changes you, whether it makes you a better person or not. I am not talking about crying into your pillow at night because you miss them, I am not talking about a sense of aloneness or of being lost. I am talking about the kind if pain in which you don’t ever think you are going to come back from, the kind of pain I felt when I lost my dad and now my auntie.
Right now I feel lost and alone yes, but I am also hurting past the point of crying into my pillow. I have a stable life, so I’m lucky I have something to fall back on when everything is feeling so bad I can’t even talk to someone, but I never always had a stable life and that’s how I almost lost mine, after my dad died. Luckily I found my way back, but right now I feel my whole existence seeping back down into the pit of nothingness and white noise.