I’m 16, so you can imagine that nothing that bad has ever happened to a 16 year old, well nothing horrific anyway, well that’s not true. At just the age of 14 I was abused, at 15 I suffered with depression and lost my dad and here I am at 16 trying to piece together what’s left of me and make sure that the rest of my teen years arnt as bad as the first few.
Everyone said it was my fault, that I had it coming, that I did nothing to stop it, some people didn’t even believe me. Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse being in a abusive relationship at 14 for 6 months or having no one be there for you after it all. People told me I needed to speak to a professional, they said I was crazy because I wanted to die, because at the time the pain was eating me alive and I thought it would be easier to just be dead.
At the age of 14 I had already started liking boys and all my friends had boyfriends and I felt so left out and like they judged me for not having a boyfriend, I was sad seeing them with these boyfriends and almost felt lost and like I wasn’t even part of the friendship group, so I decided I should get a boyfriend, at 14 it all seemed so easy. I talked to this lad for a while on the phone and agreed to meet him, yes I did know about all this stuff about paedophiles talking to young teens but I trusted this person, and he was who he said he was a 14 year old boy I’d seen in the pictures of him. When we met up he seemed so nice, and kind and I thought I was really lucky because he was really good looking and he liked me back, I wish he hadn’t not though. We started going out and he was lovely at first, he made me feel like a princess. After about a month he started acting weird, He’d start asking me who I was going out with, when id be getting home and where I was going. At first I thought he just cared a lot about me but it became very controlling it turned from just asking me to telling me he doesn’t want me out with this certain lad, and even after id explained that were just friends he’d get angry with me. It was like he didn’t trust me. This happened for a couple months then one night I agreed to go to one of his mates parties even though I didn’t want to go because It meant id have to lie to my mum and say I was staying at my nans(they don’t speak so I got away with it) when really I was staying out with my boyfriend. Everyone was drunk at the party and as it died down the lads started smoking, so I decided to go upstairs because I didn’t want to be apart of that, I just sat on my bed talking to my friends. Later that night he came up and did stuff to me that I just cant seem to type, he made me do stuff I wasn’t ready to do. After that night he told me he was just high and drunk and that he was sorry, and I forgave him. for the nest 4 months he continued to be sexually and physically abusive towards me. If I didn’t do what he wanted me to do or the way he wanted me to then he would hurt me by pushing me, punching me or grabbing me. He left me bruised and hurt, but his words hurt the most, his words are what made me stay with him. He’d tell me that I wasn’t good enough for anyone else, that no one would believe me and that I was ugly and it was all my fault. One day I picked up with courage to breakup with him. After we broke up I spent months suffering with depression. I didn’t want to move out of bed, I cried a lot and it took me along time to trust boys again and be near them. I can now say I am finally recovering from the relationship, granted I still have nightmare’s and sometimes get upset about it but im a lot better then I was then.
I want to say, if there is anyone reading this who has gone throw the same things or going throw them now I want you to know what you’re not alone. Talking to someone you TRUST. You will recover as impossible as it sounds now, if you make the steps to recovery then you will recover, maybe slowly but you will. I also want to say that suicide isn’t the answer. 15% of depressed people commit suicide. I want you to know that suicide is not the answer, I can tell you that from personal experiences. Remember that being abused doesn’t define you a tall.